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male
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anonymous
writes:Hi, well I said those magical words lastnite after watching the notebook, we been seeing each other for over eight years, I broke up with her couple of years ago, for a few months, cause she never says it back, but we got back together, she said it once, an not since. I always say nice things to her, like I love holding you, I love being with you, I love how beautiful your eyes look when you look at me. But ladies, wouldn't you feel the same if you always said it to your guy , an he never says it back. Am romantic, I don't need to here it all the time, but it was suppose to be a romantic night, I just got up during the night an left, she called this morning an wondered why I left, I ask her, if she does or not, she said she don't know, she has a wall up, after all these years, I know am not close to being perfect, but I do know how to treat a women, with kindness, an I treat her the same after all these years, like it was the first time we met, every day I let her know, how lucky I am having her in my life.
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female
reader, gypsyrose12  +, writes (16 February 2014):
Wow! You do say the right things. I think she is not so bright to not want to love you back and why wouldn't she? You treat her right and you say the nicest things with meaning. Not many blokes out there these days that are like you. I dated a guy for four years who brought me flowers and gifts and always said wonderful things about me. Only he didn't treat me so nice. He always told me how much he loved me but I hardly ever said it back because the feeling wasn't mutual. I don't think he was very bright to figure out why I didn't love him and that was because he was bad to me. My advice, find someone who will love you back because it sounds to me like you deserve someone who will. After I was in that relationship I then realized what I was looking for in a person what I needed from that person to complete me and to make me happy. I have someone now and we have been together now for 9 years although we don't live together as yet but that has made us stronger. It sounds to me like your heart was in it but hers is not. In my situation it was his heart that was in it but mine was not. Wish you all the best I hope this helps.
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male
reader, Dodds  +, writes (16 February 2014):
 Wow so many great responses from the aunts and uncles here. Bottom line, I think women are complex and amazing beings. You HAVE to be patient and take your time with them, from foreplay, sex, building your relationship and even saying the L word. People hate to be rushed, if you continue on your current course, you risk pushing her further from you emotionally. So take your time and make n enjoy quality time together. Have fun together and be there for one another.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 February 2014): I am also a romantic. If I get even an inkling that anyone I'm dating is closed off for any reason, I'm gone. Total deal-breaker.
I don't need to hear the words all the time either. I will not utter them until I do. I will not say them, if I don't.
As far as I'm concerned; if you can't say it, you don't feel it. It's more important to show it. However; people live to hear those words.
So if you get a hold of someone who can't say "I love you," leave them.
My partner of 28 years made me promise we would never go to bed without saying we love each other, before we go to sleep. I kept that promise. He died seven years ago, not without hearing me say those words every night. Even after a disagreement. It was important to him, and me too! I'm not perfect either.
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (15 February 2014):
 I endured this (not saying "I love you" or some equivalent) for about 5 years..... Then, I figured it out!.... She didn't say it, BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T (love me).
Once that sunk in, I said (to myself): "Why live with, and love, a girl who doesn't feel the same way about you?" and I walked away from her and the "relationship."
You may have noted (past submittals) that I think that when there is such a mismatch in a "relationship," that relationship is doomed. If/once you see it.... just get away from it.
Good luck....
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female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (15 February 2014):
 Hi OP, I agree this must be very difficult for you, it takes courage to open up and tell someone that you love them and is therefore very hard to not hear it said back, it's almost like she's rejecting your feelings isn't it?
I think in a way she is, but not in a bad "I don't want you" way, but in a "I'm scared to let anyone that close to my heart" way. Your girlfriend says she has a barrier or wall up. If you truly love her then spend some time listening to her and discover why she has put a defence up and then together work at taking it down, piece by piece.
I think it would do you well to remember that she's clearly been hurt or seriously let down in the past so disappearing in the middle of night or breaking up with her because she won't say those words will only reinforce that wall and make her more determined to protect her heart.
I think you need to establish whether she wants to be with you because you don't deserve to be continually rejected but if she does she may well need to get some professional help and it puts a great deal of responsibility on you to support her through it.
I also think that the words "I love you" are used far too freely these days and are not always meant. At least when your girlfriend finally says those words to you, you'll know she truly means it.
I wish you well and hope this helps AB x
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 February 2014):
 You have to go by the actions of a person like this. My husband is like this.
When he and I started dating he told me "I do not say 'I love you' so don't expect to hear it." He also pointed out that it did not mean he didn't love me just that he did NOT say it. He admitted he had a relationship break up because he would not say "I love you".
Well I was until him, a woman that said "I love you" all the time. My last husband was also one to use it a lot and what I have learned is this: THE WORDS MEAN NOTHING. What matters are the actions of the person.
My ex-husband the one who said "i love you" all the time, was lying and cheating on me. The current husband who said he would never say it.. Solid as a rock faithful to me.
I learned to figure out how he felt about me by how he acted for me and towards me.
This was a bit different from what you have going on as you have asked and she has said she doesn't know. She uses the "I have a wall up" excuse. She says she doesn't know... but she does. She just doesn't want to tell you. You have a comfy relationship that's lasted for years. It's been serving it's purpose for her (friendly companionship with someone she cares about) and you as well, but you want more now.
The issue is you want/need to hear those words and she's not going to say them.
I used to say things like "i love you" and "i love how you do that" or "I love the way you do this" in hopes of getting a response with words. I never did. When I realized I loved him I said "damn you to hell". He laughed (picture a love scene with a couple in a tender embrace and one says in the voice that is reserved for "I love you" "damm you to hell".... it was pretty funny that the TONE of the words told him exactly what I REALLY meant.
And then something changed. He fell in love for the first time in his life and one day he said "damn you to hell" and I smiled and said "I love you too". He laughed. Now fully after a year of marriage I RARELY hear "I love you too" and have heard "I love you" maybe 5 or 6 times over the entire relationship. But without a doubt this man loves me more than anyone on earth ever has.
In your case you ask do you have to hear the words to be loved and the answer from me is NO you don't have to hear them but you hang in with the knowledge that you are loved if you FEEL loved. I think that you are not feeling loved and I think that is because your gf is not loving you. Whether she has "a wall" or she just doesn't love you, I can't say.
IF you are the type of person that needs to hear "i love you" and she is the type to not say it, then either you have to accept it the way it is or you have to leave.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 February 2014): Perhaps she likes the relationship at the stage it is at and doesn't want to say I love you and change anything. What you say sounds lovely and I'm sure she is pleased with the way you treat her, but as I say, it could be a fear of the unknown is she returns the words to you.
Leaving when she didn't reply possibly wasn't the right response but I understand you were unhappy, perhaps you should have spoken to her about it there and then. But if she says she doesn't know then give her the time to make her decision rather than pushing her to say I love you because it could have a negative effect.
I know that's hard to hear so I'm sorry. I hope everything works out well for you.
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