A
female
age
41-50,
*anpearl
writes:Hi I am 32yrs female, married, but have been having an affair with a 48yr old single guy. I am confused as I really like this guy alot, may be falling inlove with him, we have been seing one another for 4 months now, and had sex in the last 2 months twice. When we first met he was very interested in me, and I was having problems with my husband, so i was attracted to him. Recently we keep in contact but not as much as previously, i don't know whether to confront him and tell him how i feel, and ask him were I stand, or should i just stop e-mailing him and phoning him, and just walk away from this whole situation. I am always the one who calls when he says call me, and I am the one who always sends the e-mails first, caring e-mails worried about him. I can't seem to let go of him, not sure what to do. I feel hurt, as I am not sure if he used me, or if he does feel something. Our relationship is a secret, as he does not want anyone to know about it, sometimes we meet at lunch breaks, not so much anymore. Not sure what to think of this relationship, not sure whether to confront him, or leave it as is.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2007): He is no respector of persons if he can guilt you into maintaining contact with him by laying how responsible you are for him loving himself, having better self esteem...
Your FIRST responsibility is to your Husband and marriage.
Have no contact, whatsoever, in no form-no email, no phonecalls, no texts, no mail, no physical. Toss out any items that remind you of him, trinkets, letters, emails, and push this man away.
If a thought enters your mind...think of your husband, take out a picture of your husband, remember him and how you fell in love with him-he is the same man.
Get counselling. Couple's and individual.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 February 2007): avoid any contact with this man, if your friends you still have an emotional level which will breed feelings in you of ''what if''...
you say you love your husband, then show it..show him the attention and respect he deserves. get out of any contact with this guy who assited your betrayal.
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A
female
reader, manpearl +, writes (30 January 2007):
manpearl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, I have decided that It was not worth it after all, and that I should concentrate on my marriage, so I sent him an e-mail and ended it, and I will not keep in contact.
However he wants to keep in touch with me, but strictly as friends, and said that he respects that I want to work on my marriage and he will not stand in my way. But he wants to still be my friend, as I am very encouraging and I motivate him when he's down. Should I keep the friendship? Or should I completely let go, he has helped in my relatioship with my husband, and made me realise that I am still inlove with my husband.
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A
male
reader, goodbutnotgifted  +, writes (27 January 2007):
 Sex isnt everything, your husband deserves to know the truth, maybe for your sake he'll have a surprise and been messing around on you. this is a sign of imaturity and most people have enough self respect to end the relationship their in before firing up another one. you right around my age. What happened to you to make you think this is acceptable behaviour. I could probably go on about sports right now because you quit reading when you realized I wont tollerate your blantant disrespect for the man who is giving you his heart and his life. I dont know if you realize the reprocusions for your actions. but in time you will and I fell sorry fou when that happens, such selfish actions leave you with the only person that matters to you. yea all one of you. I hope its raining. my father was like you and I still dont know him get a divorse before you find out about the hole you've dug. I cant beleave your asking anyone for help dealing with your affair, grow up.
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A
male
reader, goodbutnotgifted +, writes (27 January 2007):
Sex isnt everything, your husband deserves to know the truth, maybe for your sake he'll have a surprise and been messing around on you. this is a sign of imaturity and most people have enough self respect to end the relationship their in before firing up another one. you right around my age. What happened to you to make you think this is acceptable behaviour. I could probably go on about sports right now because you quit reading when you realized I wont tollerate your blantant disrespect for the man who is giving you his heart and his life. I dont know if you realize the reprocusions for your actions. but in time you will and I fell sorry fou when that happens, such selfish actions leave you with the only person that matters to you. yea all one of you. I hope its raining. my father was like you and I still dont know him get a divorse before you find out about the hole you've dug. I cant beleave your asking anyone for help dealing with your affair, grow up.
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A
male
reader, DocSilverback +, writes (27 January 2007):
 Well, let see...YOU are the one that is married. Has it ever crossed your mind that this man does not want a commitment and what better way to find a sexual relationship without any ties than a married woman? You are chasing this man from what I can see and apparently he is running away from you now. See the picture? He can do this for he is single. I'll bet you that if you were NOT married, this relationship would never have come about for fear of a serious relationship. The man is CLEARLY looking for NO STRINGS ATTACHED and fancies the YOUNGER strings to boot. You are seriously being used as well as your husband is being used by YOU for some form of security reasons I would imagine.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2007): You are getting your self involve in somthing which might be so difficult to stop later, and with the devestating results. If you are not happy in your marriage first see if you can resolve it, and if really you both having a serious peoblem may be you should get separated, but this should be really the last solution.
seeing this guy is wrong, and doesn't help you or him, so first sit down and see why you are seeing this guy in a first place considering you are married, and then do somthing about it.
You are also playing with your husband feelings if he find out he will be devestated, so sit down and talk and do somthing about this marriage and if doesn't work then get divorce and go and date anyone you like. that is the way to do it. it is a fair way and right way
good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2007): You wonder if he is using you? Let's see, you are married and unavailable for a relationship, he does not call you or e-mail you, but you call him and e-mail him for most of your get togethers, after all it is YOUR marriage that you have to sneak around, he is single.
Duh, he is using you, you are using him, you like the attention because you are bored with your marriage or your life or both....it is your decision, go ahead amd confront him on this, he will probably be as dumbfounded as we are...that you don't get it.
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A
female
reader, ***la belle vida*** +, writes (26 January 2007):
 Honey, he does not feel anything for you, the feelings you lavish upon him are not recipricated in anyway, he probably sees that as an ego boost and is taking advantage of your feelings so you can be his 'booty call'. I am not going to lecture you on affairs, however the fact you are married means you do not need to suffer these feelings, you have the safety and security of an husband and do not need to put yourself through this unnecessary emotional stress.
My advice do not email him again, and seen as you are the one keeping in contact, it should be a clean break. I wish you luck. xxxx
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A
female
reader, cd206 +, writes (26 January 2007):
 You're using him as much as he's using you here! I assume you're still with your husband whereas if you actually cared about this guy you wouldn't still be married. I can't blame him for staying detached, he probably doesn't want to fall in love with a woman who will never love him back.
CD
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2007): Just walk away with what is left of your dignity still in tact! you are married! How would you like it if your husband was doing this to you? Not good!! Just get out of that situation before a lot of people get hurt and the whole thing blows up in your face.
Take care
xx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2007): That you are having sex; something saved for husband and wife to further promote the marriage as sexual intamacy instills a bond, builds the trust and love so....yah I would think that having sex with another man would have you begin to develop feelings of love for him.
Listen, you need to see a counsellor to figure out why having an affair would be an answer to filling some void you are experiencing or why it is a means to escape some unhappiness you may be experiencing. Do you have overly high expectations on the idea of marriage? Did you put so much responsibility on your husband thus setting him up for failure thus having an affair would absolve you of your responsibility?
Get some counselling.
Having sex to boost your self esteem will keep recurring until you deal with your unresolved issues from childhood.
You allowed for him to use you. Why would he respect you? You are using him for sex.
End it.
Get counselling.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2007): I think that you should walk away! you are a married women and i think that is unfair to your husband that you are having this affair.
Ok you are unhappy within your marriage, but put the shoe on the other foot and how you feel if your husband had an affair on you! I think that you should be up front with your husband and forget about this other guy and see how it goes within your marriage!
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