A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I was invited by my boyfriend to join in with his family on Mother's Day as its also his Mum's birthday same date. I've known my boyfriend for 18 mths he is 39. I have met his Mum maybe three or four times and she seems nice so I agreed. However joining in now means going for a meal out and its a set price of £18 per person plus drinks on top. My boyfriend does not live near me and just getting to his and back is the same cost as the meal in petrol. I was made redundant 5 mths ago and having to be very careful with money though I do have savings. My boyfriend has a job but is in quite a lot of debt so...despite this I travel to him each weekend to help him save money and clear it. I am actually pretty annoyed because my boyfriend assumes I will pay the money for this meal. In addition he is buying an expensive mothers day gift she has specified. This would be ok of course...but finances are tight and I have made a lot of sacrifices just to keep our relationship going. Over the last 18 mths my boyfriend has never taken me out for dinner. My Mum lives nearly 3 hrs away and I have sent a very small gift and card by post. Ifeel annoyed at my boyfriends attitude but also his family knows his financial situation and mine. I am considering making an apology and not going as I need to conserve my money but this will upset everyone. What should I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2014): Can I be honest? If his debt is because of anything like gambling or a car that he didn't need and couldn't afford so got into debt to buy, it shows poor financial managing and I'd question whether this is a man you want to be with long term.However, if his debt is because of a mortgage or something that was necessary, I would be more understanding.Now, on to your question, if you have to pay each weekend, I'd strongly advise only going every other weekend because you don't have a job right now and you shouldn't need to dip into your savings to go see a relatively new boyfriend if they aren't paying to come to see you.Save up one weekend and go to the dinner, if you want to go. I don't think you need to give her a gift unless you have a nice bottle of unopened wine available.
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (28 March 2014):
 I think CindyCares' advice is good. Don't visit him one weekend and use the money that you would have paid on that to cover the Birthday meal.
OP, from what I've read there isn't anything wrong with his family's attitude. They haven't done anything wrong here. I can understand being annoyed with your boyfriend though, assuming that you will cover the costs of all of your get togethers including this one.
I think you need to scale back your investment in this guy.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (28 March 2014):
 Whatever you do, don't tell your boyfriend that you are annoyed at his attitude or at his parents' because he will feel very resentful of you. I once said something unsavory about my B/f's family and Ouch!! Burnt my fingers really badly! Now that's once bitten twice shy so I can just tell you, don't tell him anything that would offend him.
You could maybe drop the hint that money is tight and you had some money saved to buy your own mom a present for Mother's Day and that's just something you can barely afford too; you certainly cant afford the extra £18 for dinner. I'm sure he'll get the hint and offer to buy you dinner and then you can go. Men are sometimes really bad at these things...I'm sure it hasn't even occurred to him to offer. You'd think they do it on purpose, but really, they don't. You literally have to bang them on the head with a cricket bat to make them see sense!
If he STILL doesn't, then you know even he's tight on the money and there's nothing that he can do. He can't possibly say no to a gift for is mom and he has to pay for his dinner and drinks too, so maybe that's his limit. In that case, you confide in him that you really cant afford it but you wish his mom well. Tell him to make an excuse on your behalf and you're off the hook.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (28 March 2014):
 Simple : you stay home one weekend, so you save the 18 £ for the meal. I know that you' d probably see this a sacrifice done for a woman you barely know, but in fact it would be a sacrifice done to make your bf happy , since he seems to be keen on celebrating this birthday and having you join.
Not that I am one much for sacrifices- as a matter of fact, I don't think it's fair that you blame other people if you voluntarily decide to take on financial loads which do not pertain you. Why do you have to be the one who goes there every weekend ( shelling out cash that you can barely afford ? ). YOU are the one who is incomeless and lives off savings. HE has a regular ,dependable income , although he may have debts. But managing and reducing his debts , of how much and in which time frame, is HIS responsibility, he is an adult, not a mindless teenager. He can factor the circumstances of his life ( i.e. having a LD girlfriend ) into his financial plans, i.e. he can come to you every time, or at least alternate times , and reduce his personal expenses in other areas.. or simply pay his debts at a slower pace.
Never mind. At the end of the day, you can't please all the people all the time, so you will have to decide whether you prefer to keep the 18 £, or to please your bf and his family.
In the first case, I guess you just have to tell him, so sorry, my dear, give all my love to your mom, and this nice card from me, but , as you know, atm I am living hand to mouth and I should tuck into my savings to join the party, which I think it's imprudent. Perfectly legitimate excuse, it's YOUR money after all. And perhaps he would say : of course, silly me, I am going to pay your share ( Men can be a bit clueless at times, maybe he simply had not thought of the stretch that a meal out can be for an unemployed person ).
In the second one, luckily you have time enough to scrimp and save. Mother's day is the first Sunday of May, right ?, - and 18 £ is not a huge amount of cash, maybe you can cut here and there ( like I said, even just cutting ONE weekend would do the trick ) and join the party.
All other considerations and grievances are, pardon me, a bit pointless- you only can decide for yourself, not for other people . Are you really going to resent his mother for celebrating her birthday with her family ?? So what , if they are aware that's a bit of a stretch for the both of you. First, they may be aware of your financial situation in the general lines but not in the details, and not think / imagine that just 18 £ would make that much of a difference in the greater scheme of things. Second, majority rules, I suppose at this dinner there will be other( maybe plenty of other ) family members and friends, should they skip the celebration because of the personal financial situation of ONE perspective guest ?.. If people reasoned like that, there would never be any weddings or birthdays or New Year's Eve parties !
Third, they have invited you , not sent you the marshall- if for any reason ( financial, health, previous committments etc. etc. ) you feel you can't go- excuse yourself, send your best wishes and don't go.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (28 March 2014):
 I am sure it wouldn't upset everyone if you didn't go, plans change, people get over it.
I don't think your boyfriend is really doing anything so bad by asking you to pay for your meal. I would have thought it was simple logic that if you have more money than him, you'd pay for yourself. It is nice to be treated to the odd meal or date night whist in the dating phase but I don't think it should be assumed that the bloke always pays for the woman...not in todays economic climate!!
I do sympathise with you though because you chose to be with someone who has financial problems and that is never easy.I left a very long term relationship because the bloke had massive finacial problems, I always thought I could handle it, but it became impossible and ground me down in the end, so leaving was the only sane thing to do.
Your fella is entitled to spend Mother's day with him mum and spend what he likes...cos he's a big grown up man and if he cannot be responsible for his spending habits...nobody else should. Some people have to learn the hard way!!
Save your money and have this weekend to yourself, there isn't much else you can do unless you want to suck up the cost of spending it with his family...and that might cause an atmosphere if you are feeling annoyed...far better to stay away and make some excuse.
I always think that it's easy to assume we can change people who have major 'red flag' problems like cheating, lying, abusers, AND people with shitty financial acumen...but these things are a direct reflection on the personality of a person and can almost never be changed...it's nice to date a younger bloke but think about the long term future...if he cannot get a grip on his money issues, he probably never will.
Enjoy the weekend and keep your chin up xxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 March 2014): You've already made a commitment that you're going and it would be strange to back out now.
My advice is to talk about this with your boyfriend. How you're not happy about how he manages his finances and you are trying to be sensible.
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