A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hello everyone,This is a long so please bear with me.I live with my boyfriend and his sister. Some background info: his sister is the youngest. She is a bit spoiled by her parents and doesn't have friends for various reasons. She's a princess. Throws a lot of tantrums and her mom enables all of it. When I first met her and got to know her, I honestly thought if she got away from her mom she would be able to grow up and be more of an adult than a child. My boyfriend and I are lucky. We live in his family's house which is fairly large. She was miserable and severely depressed living with her parents (she is 22) and so we invited her to live with us. We have been nothing but kind to her and we coexisted peacefully.My boyfriend and I recently got back from a two week trip overseas. She was kind and offered to drop us off at the bus station at 4:30 am, we didn't ask and we were very appreciative. She looked after our pets while we were gone. She just had to feed them once a day, so no cleaning poop, etc. But that was something we asked her to do and she agreed.Fast forward to last Friday. My bf and I had just landed from a 13 hour flight + 2 hour delay so we had been on a plane for 15 hours. We were under the impression she was going to be picking us up from the bus station so I texted her, "hey we just landed" and added, "make sure you have room in your trunk lol" thinking nothing of it.Immediately I get a call from her mom screaming at how unfair we are to my bf's sister and she had plans and couldn't get us so we had to take an Uber back. So we're super confused and I get this HUGE message from my bf's sister on Facebook..Her: "You guys should probably take an Uber. I have plans and honestly I am annoyed by how you just expect me to do this for you guys. Not to be rude or mean but I got up at 4:30 to drive you, brushed off my own car, have taken care of your pets all week. It's friday night and I am not wasting my time picking you up when you barely gave me a heads up as it is and honestly werent even nice about it. Be mad if you want that is how I feel. You should try considering other people's feelings when you do things like this."So I'm SUPER confused at this point and I wrote back that I don't get where she's coming from... So I wrote back how appreciative we were that she did all that for us and how we got her presents from our trip as a way to say thank you. I asked what she meant when we weren't being nice about it. I told her that her mom didn't have to call us and that she didn't have to send such an aggressive message to us if she was just busy.Her reply: "I didn't ask her to call you and I'm not being aggressive. I just honestly think you guys don't realize how much you ask of other people without giving the same courteously back in return. I'm tired of going out of my way to do nice things for you when I honestly did not feel appreciated back for it. 'Please make sure u have room in your trunk? Lol" No thank you, no real heads up about the time til you land sorry but I don't see why I am EXPECTED to do all this when I did all of that to be nice. I honestly do not care about the presents, you can keep them."So at this point, her moms calling us screaming still about how mean we are and how unfair we are. His sis is crying about how mean and unfair we are. We are SUPER confused and angry about her message. We're stuck at the airport with a ton of luggage and no way to get home after we take the bus back to our city... so yeah. Honestly, I am not upset that she couldn't pick us up, I am more ANGRY about how she and her mother reacted. If she had just said, "Hey. No one told me when you were coming home and I have plans so I can't pick you up I'm sorry." We would have understood. But instead she insults us, starts crying, and gets her mom involved.We did NOT demand her to come pick us up immediately. We THOUGHT she knew when we were coming home and that she was the one picking us up from the bus station. If it was our fault she didn't know, then it would have been fine if she just said so, but she did not handle it like an adult. His dad (who is on our side of this) told her she should have gone to pick us up from the bus.So by now I'm furious. Anyway, fast forward, we manage to get home with the help of a friend. The next morning she comes out to 'apologize' by saying she was having a bad day and didn't want things to be awkward. No eye contact, very sleepishly muttered, just.. bleh.We sent his mom several texts regarding the situation and how upset we are about how they both handled it. His mom didn't even listen to our side of the story and has a history of siding with her no matter what, leaving my bf feeling a bit unloved as the first born. The problem is though, is that she kept trying to justify her daughter's behavior with "She was having a bad day. You know how she gets, she says things she doesn't mean, she's having some personal problems and she thinks you don't like having her live with you and how you don't like it when she has friends over..."... But we've never met her friends. EVER. Even if we did, she LITERALLY HAS HER OWN LIVING ROOM. It is insane! Also, we INVITED her to move in with us. I don't even know where these lies are coming from. I literally can't even. She is LYING to her mom and her mom is eating it all up and pegging us at the bad guys. And just because someone's having a BAD day doesn't mean they can't be an adult and say something kinder and simpler than "YOU GUYS ARE UNGRATEFUL!"So my problem:I am fairly pissed at his mom and sister. I have been ignoring both of them. I get that his mom means well, but she has been telling the sister things like "I read what you sent to them and I don't think it was bad." The sister thinks she just overreacted cuz she had a bad day, and her mom is enabling this mean behavior by saying things like "You did nothing wrong." His sister might get away with treating her family like garbage but welcome to the real world where if you say stuff like that cuz you're having a 'bad day' to a friend, you lose them.She is upset we are not speaking to her. It is a little awkward having her around the house (we share a kitchen and thats it) but I honestly get so mad when I think about how she reacted. My boyfriend wants nothing to do with his mother or sister as he thinks their behavior to me, his gf, is disgusting. My question is this...I do kind of want to clear the air a bit but what is going to stop her from acting out when she has a bad day? I was her only friend until just a few months ago. What's going to stop her from being a total meanie when she drinks too much (which she does) and saying things that 'she doesn't mean'? Like am I supposed to forgive and forget like her parents do? Because she steps on them ALL the time and I am NOT going to be talked to in that manner.Or should I just keep ignoring them cause life is happier that way? Her mom and her are alike and enable each other in everything they do. There are so many other instances in which they are just.. terrible for each other, and I thought she would be different once she got away from her mom. There are a lot more times where my bf was disrespected by his mom and sister that this is the breaking point and I honestly want nothing to do with them anymore and neither does he. We have been nothing but kind to them. Thank you for reading and please give me input.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 January 2017):
 Now, shoot me, everybody, but I totally get where your SIL is coming from.
Ok, I get it, she is a brat, she is a drama queen, etc.But, I am surely older than this girl, probably wiser, and ( you'll have to take my word for it ) not at all a drama queen; and in her shoes yes,I would probably have reacted less histerically and more diplomatically- but I would have been mightily, mightily pissed nonetheless.
I mean, come on. " We are back, come and get us ". Excuse me ?...
First, she already had volunteered for two BIG favours, and you assuming automatically that you could inconvenience her for a 3rd big favour, is annoyingly smug and will have sounded to your SIL like a case of " give them a finger, and they'll take an arm ".
Second, if you and your boyfriend have got the money and the general wherewithal to organize a two weeks vacation 13 hours from home, I am sure you also have the money and the wherewithal to find, arrange ( and pay ! ) your own ride back from the airport, rather than assuming that your relatives won't ask anything better than being at your beck and call to chaffeur you around . With no notice ,too.
This, in reply to your " she could have simply said no I can't, I am busy ": She sure could, once she was asked- but I guess she resented being asked to begin with. Maybe you didn't think of it, but the way you acted the subtext is " Hey, why should we spend 50 or 100- or whatever is the cost - to go home when we can simply bother " Mary " and drag her out of home or out of bed . She probably has got nothing to do anyway "
Third, why at least you did not ask her before leaving ? So she was going to have plenty of time to get organized ? Or, at least one week into your vacation ? Ok, you were in vacation and having fun, but if it was important for you to have a safe, comfortable ride home, then it was imporatnt enough to steal 5 minutes from your holiday and send her an email with flight number, date and time of arrival, and company tel.no., so she could check for delays. This, I would say at least one week before, - ok, I am an old fogey, a bit formal about stuff, so let's make it 4 days before...
But just popping up any odd time , no notice, and expect her to just step on it and come and get you ? Why ? She is not your chaffeur, she is not your secretary or maid or any other kind of employee, so taking her cooperation for due and granteed, sorry but it is so annoyingly smug that I can understand how sis " forgot " to answer politely and calmly.
Also, maybe I am getting it wrong, but your post sounds like it sort of implies that sis should "behave" and cooperative... because you and bf have been nice enough to " invite " her to live with you - even if she is such a misfit and a loser and a poor friendless soul- in a way, she owes you.
Well, that I don't know. I mean, you invited her. in the sense that you came up with the idea of having her join you- but please keep in mind that if this is the family's home- she surely needs no invitations, from your boyfriend or even less from you , to live there. If it's the family house, - it's as much HER house as her brother's, so, while of course civility and politeness are always useful and commendable in any cohabitation, she does not need to be specially polite or speciafully grateful, because she has nothing special to thank you for : it's HER house too, she is not just some third wheel who got in by the goodness of your heart so she'd better " be nice " and watch her step....
A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (19 January 2017):
 I agree with male anon below.
His sister may be a bit spoiled and his mother may be biased in her favour (I know exactly what that is like, being the oldest by several years myself), but I don't think his sister was offside really.
Imagine what you'd be thinking if you, as far as you knew, weren't expected and hadn't agreed ahead of time to pick someone up from the airport and you get a text like the one you sent her telling her you're here and to make sure you have enough room in your trunk.
Dropping you off at the bus station does not automatically mean she is picking you up as well.
His sister wasn't nasty. She was annoyed and honest about it. The mother should have kept her big nose out of it, or at least tried to be a voice of calm so I don't agree at all with her behaviour. Though I think it would have been more effective to send only ONE text explaining your position, perhaps when matters had calmed.
Clearly your overall opinion of his has influenced your view of this specific situation, but I don't think she was out of line here.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2017): I can see where the sister is coming from. It doesn't sound like you had a concrete arrangement to be picked up when you returned. You were under the impression that she had agreed to do it, she was under the impression that you were making your own arrangements.I can understand that if she gets a text from you that says essentially, 'we're at the airport, come and get us', that she'd be put out. Certainly if she has other plans and can't come to get you it's going to cause problems. I don't think her facebook message was that bad in that situation, because from her point of view she's being asked to drop everything at your whim.I'd let this one go. Learn from the experience and make sure that if you're expecting her to help you, that you've made it clear exactly what she's expected to do. That way there' no confusion. It would be different if you'd made firm arrangement with her and she let you down. Then I could understand your anger and reaction.It's hard to make out the living arrangements. You say that you live in his parent's house, but that you don't live with them. Is it a separate house that his parents own? Are you living there as tenants? Does his sister sublet or contribute to costs at all? Do you and your boyfriend pay rent? If you're not paying tenants, then it's a case of their house, their rules. I'd move out, but let the dust settle from this first so they don't think it's because of this
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123 +, writes (18 January 2017):
 While the behavior does sound extremely odd, here's my take on the matter.
As long as you're living in your boyfriend's family house, irrespective of whether or not you're paying rent, you're "under" their thumb.
If you're paying rent then you can pay and live elsewhere because it's always best to stay independently. If you're not paying rent then you can't really say much and they have the upper hand. Even if you think you're doing them a favor keeping the sister with you, you're not.
I think you guys should think about moving out and living by yourselves without the sister. You all sound too involved, to be honest. If you're on your own, neither of them will be as actively involved in your lives as they are now and things will be much happier. You don't have to be rude and you don't have to cut them off... Just live apart.
On the one hand your boyfriend says that he feels disrespected and has been feeling this way often and on the other hand you continue living in their family home. His words don't match his actions. I don't know how his mom hasn't said it yet but I think most people would say, if you feel this uncomfortable then you're welcome to leave. Why stay and keep cribbing?
Also, don't think that if both of you take a stand after this incident and decide to leave the family home and stay somewhere else then you'll have the mother and sister chasing after you. It might make no difference to them and they might not ever realize the hurt they've caused and that's fine, really. What matters is that you and your boyfriend have a peaceful, drama- free life, away from these dysfunctional people
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A
female
reader, Slippers  +, writes (18 January 2017):
I agree with the previous aunts post; I think this was lack of communication . I mean I've been on holiday as a family unit and we have pets and being honest I check in with who's taking care of them .. and if you had you could have asked enquiries directly with your bf sister if she would have time to make the pick up .
My only fault with bf sister was posting her reply to you both on Facebook . This should have been either a call or texting which private not out on grand media ..
However I think you are letting this become more than it is .. do not try an alienate this guy from his family . I do see what's wrong here really ..
Let it go .. and in future make sure you have solid agreement with whomever is taking care of your pets for you and picking you up . They are doing you a service very nice one .. I'm not saying you thought she was obliged too . Just saying a friendly text before you were leaving or through the week would have been nice .. just a tip you may wish to use in the future .
She was in the wrong to an extent but she put actually wasn't that bad .. be the adult here .. be sweet .. you sound a sweet girl .. so let this episode move on ..
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 January 2017):
 Firat of all TALK this over with your BF first. United Front and all....
I agree that it probably WAS a misunderstanding or miscommunication going on here. I have house and "pet-sat" many times in my late teens and 20's for my brother and SIL and for my SIL's parents. I would drop them off at the airport and pick them up, it was all prearranged. I had the flight numbers and estimated time of arrival on the fridge and the number for the airlines (so I could call and see if the flight was delayed or not).
She felt she did some GRAND gesture dropping you off at the train station and honestly, for HER it might have been. Considering that she seems to do as SHE pleases.
So my guess is that her snotty behavior was partly because she felt she had already done her good deed of the decade by dropping you guys off at 4:30 am and feeding the pooch. That she can't comprehend WHY you would think she "owed" you to pick you up as well. Or because it wasn't SPELLED OUT - hey our plane lands at XXPM/AM on the XX/XX can you pick us up as we just want to go home after a long flight?! That way SHE would have KNOWN what YOU (and your BF) expected and could have said YES or NO!
Personally, I think.... everyone (including you) are overreacting here.
You are expecting a "Princess" to all of a sudden to give a shit. I mean? really? And the enabling mom to use common sense? Double really?
You and your BF needs to figure out if you ALL can just let it go and "pledge" to do better with the communication next time. No more dragging the drama up.
The MOM (I'm guessing) LIVES for drama - it's where SHE shines. And of course making you and the son seem like the bad guys is in her interest as she is jealous that her daughter will rather live with you guys.
I'd tell her she has a choice here - she can live with you guys and NEXT time handle this in a more mature way or she can move home to mom. But I think it needs to come from your BF, NOT you. HIS family.. HIS to deal with.
But if it was me? I'd forgive and forget. This is NOT a battle I'd get into because the ONLY one benefitting from MORE drama? Is the mom.
I have to deal with a Niece (who is 27 btw) who just don't think of anyone but herself. We have had her youngest quite often when she works but when she changes shift or decide NOT to work she can't be bothered to call and let us know. And then she got all pissy because she tried to have us watch him (he is a joy btw) last minute - she KNEW a week ahead of time that she was working but didn't bother texting til 30 min. before leaving for work and then lying and saying she HAD told me - when I know she hadn't. But you know what? I let it go, because I enjoy the little fella. And you just can't FIX stupid.
Think about it. She is who she is, you know why she has no friends, most people would not put up with that shit. Family does. For now.
I would not be the reason he had trouble with the family. She was being a total brat, you know it, your BF knows it and SHE knows it... Time to move on. Just roll your eyes and move on.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (17 January 2017):
 I've recently had a few long, long flights so can empathise with you and your boyfriend feeling let down when you finally landed and your expected lift was not available.
However, from reading through it appears it could all have been miscommunication. It happens sometimes. For you to be making this into a BIG thing where one parent is on your side and the other parent on the sister's side is not a good look.
The living arrangements sound complicated ... are you all paying rent and utilities? Surely if it is the family home your boyfriend's sister has equal rights to living there, unless you are paying for everything and she is free loading from you.
If you feel better ignoring your boyfriend's sister and mother then continue doing that .... but before you decide that's the path for you to take consider if you and he decide to get married, or have some kids ... how is that going to work? Are you going to keep them, as well as your boyfriend, isolated from their grandmother and aunt? What if (and it can happen) your boyfriend has some serious medical emergency in the future and needs all the help and love he can get ... where are you going to turn for that if you have decided his mother and sister are not worthy of being in your lives?
Think very carefully about possible ramifications of your decisions made today regarding your boyfriend's family members, while your decision might give you some feelings of satisfaction and of being "right" in the here and now there could be serious consequences down the line.
Is it really worth it?
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