A
female
age
26-29,
*rissydavelle
writes:Hey guys, My question is should I continue to pursue a relationship with someone who's 15 years older than me? Okay so I am 21 next month , my boyfriend is 35. I did not know he was 35 when we first met because he told me he was 26. He said he knew that I would have looked at him differently if I knew he was 35, so I forgave him for lying because it's true I wouldnt of even given him the chance to take me out on a date. The first week was a roller coaster we happened to live 3 minutes away from each other, so it was easy to meet up every evening after work without ruining our schedules. Also where we lived was 4 minster walk from the high street , which has so many bars, clubs and restaurants so we were lucky. We were able to see each other every evening and went on 7 dates in a row. He was amazing . I've never clicked with anyone the way I have with him. I fell for him really quickly. Before he asked me to be his girlfriend he told me his real age, I was surprised but I understood his reason because it was valid, so I moved on from it and became his girlfriend, we've been together from 10 months, I'm turning 21 and he's turning 36. I'm starting to get really scared because I love him so much and he treats me like I'm the most amazing woman in the world. We still have our date night every Saturday even though we're 10 months in and I spend a lot of my time at his house. I've had some really bad relationships even at the young age that I am, so right now I'm so happy.However even though we're in our little bubble we need to start thinking about reality. My parents would not approved of this relationship and I know his family wouldn't except me. Hes rarely brought me around any of his friends and if he sees a friend he doesn't introduce me and I'm the same. We don't post pictures together online because we're both scared of the negativity we would get from friends and family. I honestly did not think this would go anywhere or get serious, but from the first date to now everything has been amazing. We haven't even had one argument! I believe it's because we're so alike. I really love him, but i also love my friends and family and I feel like I would lose them if me and him move in together and start our own life together. It's hard because I don't want anyone else but him. But I know my family won't except him.What should I do? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Crissydavelle +, writes (18 March 2017):
Crissydavelle is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone!!
Here's a little update on my situation and I am also going to try my best to answer all questions in one go.
I feel like i need to be completely honest and not sugar coat it this time
it's now 2 months later and everything is still going okay. There have been a few issues. There was a big problem 6 weeks ago that for the first time had me questioning whether I want to be in this relationship
He wasn't feeling well one day and the way he was explaining his symptoms it sounded serious so I left work rushed over to his and called the ambulance. Long story short he only had a cold. So I was extremely frustrated because I left work for a cold. I made it clear how frustrated I was and let him get rest and get better for the next few days. Two days later I found out via Facebook that he was in the hospital. I was livid that he thought that wasn't something he was suppose to run by his girlfriend. It made me think that maybe the way I see out relationship isn't the way he sees it because I would never go hospital without telling him. When I spoke to him about it he said it was because of how I acted the first time when I called the ambulance for him. I told he exaggerated. And I honestly felt like he did because he was acting like he was on his death bed but he only had a cold. We've moved on from it bup it's still been in the back of my mind. I don't know if my actions caused it or if he was in the wrong.
I also finally spoke to my friends about him properly and it turns out they already know him from parties and events they all go to. I stopped partying with my friends because it was expensive and it was effecting my coursework. At first i was glad they already knew him and they already had an opinion of him and it was the same as mine so I was happy. But now I'm thinking if that's the type of age group he likes to hang around when it comes to females because none of them knew his age.
Now to answer your feedback
I did not know his age. He honestly could pass for 25 , even my friends didn't know he was 35 and they knew him longer than me.
We talk about everything. That's one thing that works for us we both love talking. We like the same things we watch the same shows we have similar views so we talk alot plus there are always things happening in our lives that we have to talk about.
Yes I agree on did justify his lie because at the time I wasn't bothered about it. But now I wish he hadn't. I get his reason but that just meant that he assumed I was like other girls. I don't think he would lie again and that's because he's made me trust him. Everything he's told me from the day we started out relationship has been the truth. He's very open with me and around me. Hes never been secretive around me and openly shows off our relationship. I do honestly trust him I did have doubts in the beginning but he has earned my trust.
We have not yet moved in together or made plans on havomg a baby or getting married as of yet. Instead I'm moving into my own place and decided ton give it another year and then we can think about marriage and kids and moving in together. I think I was caught up in the honey moon bubble and now it's burst reality is setting in and I need to be realistic.
He does make me happy he realise does. He is my best friend and I do want to be with him
I have not told my family yet. And I don't think I will anytime soon. And yes that is still something to do with the age difference but also I'm starting to think that maybe he isn't the one I'm going to spend the rest of my life with and I don't want to rush and bring him home to the family just yet
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (18 January 2017):
 OK, here's the thing. First, how could yo NOT know the age difference? and B; Age is just a number. If you two are happy then there is no problem other than you both draw upon things from a different perspective. How could you not know? He knows who "The Fonz was and you don't Strange things go on in thjis world
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2017): So, he DID tell you his real age before you guys became official. It sounds to me like he just fibbed for a couple of weeks when you guys had your first couple of dates. That to me isn't a really big deal, because he totally came clean before you were official. We all fib sometimes, the important thing is that he is generally honest otherwise. If he had lied for months or years that would be concerning, but he didn't. Here's the thing: you are both adults. You are both well above age of consent. Your parents may disapprove at first, but they may surprise you and really come around if you let them get to know him over time. Same goes for his family with you. If you are going to give this a chance, you're going to have to stop feeling embarrassed and let your friends and family know. You'd be surprised how common an age-difference scenario is! And if people really judge you over this...are they the kind of people you want to have as friends?PS 17 years difference between me and SO....extremely happy relationship for 5 yrs and going strong :)
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (18 January 2017):
 As the older partner (by 13+ years) in my relationship I'm going to speak up.
At 20 a 15 year gap is HUGE
at 30 it's much more managable.
Had I met my husband when he was 20 and I was 33 we never would have ended up together. But now at 43 and 56 we are quite suited to each other.
Time really does make a difference in these things. In addition, I have concerns about your BF's lying about his age to encourage you to move forward in a relationship with him. That enough is to cause me concern that he is WELL AWARE that his behavior is "abnormal" in the sense that it's not common.
Exactly what is it you two talk about and discuss? Take all physicality out of the relationship and figure out what sustains the relationship.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 January 2017):
 First of all, you don't know for sure that you family would not approve. Who knows?
Second, of all, I REALLY agree with Garbo's statement...
"He already lied to you, you forgave... that will become a pattern "
I get that you BOTH try and justify his LIE about his age, but the truth of the matter is, HE did it intentionally. Most guys in their mid-30's know that YOUNG women don't want to date a guy who a MUCH older (most young women) and thus he CHOSE to lie to get a chance with you.
And now BECAUSE of his lie complications DUE to the lie and age difference. YOU are not both at a crossroad.
It's 10 MONTHS in and your family & friends don't know him and his family and friends doesn't know you. THAT is NOT a good sign. Neither of you should HAVE to hide a relationship if it really is as good as it is.
One thing I like to say, SLOW down girl. IF you can't introduce him to family and you to his, you shouldn't be living together or plan a family.
So get off the fence, introduce him and let him introduce you. Take it from there.
Your family might not like the idea at first but who knows they might see that he is good for you.
Personally, as a mom of daughters... I wouldn't be thrilled with a 35-year-old guy dating my 20-year-old daughter. I think at 20 - a 15 year age gap is just too big. However, it DOES work for some. Whether I'd (or your mom/dad) likes it or not.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2017): I'm always suspicious when a guy in his mid-30s pursues a girl several years younger. It suggests to me the possibility that there's a lack of maturity or some other character defect that turns off women his own age so he turns his attention towards naive inexperienced young women to whom he can appear to be worldly and sophisticated. What do you know about him other than he's a liar and smooth talker who plays to your ego and vanity by telling you what you want to hear?Your history of bad relationships suggests to me that you're insecure and vulnerable, just the type on whom charming, manipulative con artists prey and he is setting you up to lure you in, at which time he may very likely attempt to distance you from family and friends in order to exert control over you. Your family and friends would not accept him because they genuinely have your best interests at heart and would see him for who he is, and I suspect deep down you know that but aren't quite ready to give up on your starry-eyed fantasy.The red flags are there. Don't ignore them. If he lied to you about his age to get close to you then he's capable of lying about anything if it suits his purpose.In the meantime, do NOT NOT NOT NOT get pregnant.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (17 January 2017):
 I have a relative who, like you, fell for a 17 year older guy who, like you, lied about his age. They went on to have 2 kids. Things went OK for few years until she found out that he was lied about his marriage status; he was twice married. Sex dwindled off, and now in her mid-40s just when her libido is super-high sex is non-existent because at his age he can't get it up. She has been strung up and left dependent on him. Sexless marriage is an awful situation. So my answer to your question is, no, break it off while you can, while the bonds of attachment are weak. He already lied to you, you forgave... that will become a pattern until you end up in a similar situation like my relative.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2017): Hi OP.My boyfriend is also 15 years older than I am. But I am in my 40's. A little older than you. But that is beside the point. He is amazing. He is wise, experienced, makes me feel special and taken care of, like a princess. I feel like a little girl and a woman all at the same time around him. There is just such a huge appeal to an older man. Some of us women find them incredibly sexy and interesting. Men our own age pale in comparison. Age is a just number. It should not matter if two people get along, have a connection, have fun together and things in common. And if there is a spark, a number doesn't stop it. True love conquers all. You should not care about what anyone else thinks if you are happy together. Why do you need to come down to reality? Whose expectations are you talking about? Many relationships with significant age gaps do work out. So, why the hang ups? Even if your family has a tough time getting used to it, they will be able to accept it in time. As will his family and friends. Once they realize you love each other, get along and are together for the long haul, there is really nothing they can do about it. Except wish you well and welcome the relationship with open arms. Our parents do not make our choices for us when we are adults. And you cannot live your life seeking their approval at the cost of your own happiness. I have done many things against my parent's approval. But they love and accept me no matter what. Parents love their children unconditionally. And may not agree with their choices but they need to respect them.My mom and dad are also 15 years apart. They have been married for 50 years and are still very happy together.Stop focusing on the judgment of others and do what makes you both happy. If it works, it works. There are many women (and men) out in the world looking for a soul mate and having to kiss countless frogs to find him. If they ever do. If you are one of the lucky ones who has found her Prince Charming, hold onto him! You are going to get judged no matter what you do in this life. But should that stop you from living? No, you stand tall and stand strong in your choices. Make no apologies for them. We all have one short life and we all want to be happy. If he makes you happy and you make him happy, then go for it. Do not let these hang ups, which are truly unimportant in the big picture, stand in the way of true love! Don't be afraid. I suspect you are a little afraid of him being older and what the future has in store as you are so young. But it will be okay. Have faith in him. And in each other. I wish you both well. :)
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