A
female
age
30-35,
*ellokittyfan12
writes:Hello I would like to ask for help to determine why I'm so lonely. Okay to start I'm about to be 21 and I've never had a boyfriend I feel like such a loser! I don't know if it's because I'm depressed or what? I have a low self esteem and I also only have like 3 friends which makes me even more sad. At school i dont talk to anyone in my classes because i am too shy so i am home all day. I think I have a good personality and I'm very nice but I don't know what is wrong with me. Some people have told me to have friends introduce me to guys but I went with my friend on a date to the mall and her friend brought a friend and as soon as introductions were out of the way he pretended to go to the bathroom and never came back. It made me feel so sad because I was wondering if I am so ugly that he didn't want to hang out with me. Also unfortunately I would like to add that I'm overweight is that it? Are there still guys who don't just focus on the body type? Sorry it's soo long. Thank you for reading
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depressed, never had a boyfriend, overweight, self esteem, shy Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Silius Sodimus  +, writes (23 January 2013):
Both sexes look at the body to some extent but once they see the personality and compatibility that becomes secondary. You're definately not weird or abnormal and there are plenty of guys who have no problem with an "overweight" partner. All guys have their preferences. It could be your friends guy friends were just tools. BTW this might sound degrading but it's not have you ever tried online dating like RSVP? Online dating is no longer a social stigma alot of people do it, in fact my first gf was found online. It lets people see your personality before they see you in person and often people who become attracted to personality first don't see the "flaws" you think you have. Just a thought. Also confidence is paradoxically important to attraction. I know and have seen plenty of women who were plus sized and were attracted to them, just because they didn't seem to care about their size!
A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse  +, writes (13 January 2013):
 DorothyDix: "Believe me, whatever weight we are, matters ZERO... True beauty comes from within"
Weight does matter. By saying this you are not helping. Yes, true beauty lies within. However, both men and women must pass the physical attraction test first. That is a fact. Both parties must find the other person physically attractive in some way if they're even going to get to know each other.
Anonymous: "I had extremely low self-esteem.I am 27 years old and already became bald.I was too shy to talk to girls.One day,I decided to shave my head and improve my communication skills.I went to gym and put more attention on the way I dress.To my surprise,things started to change.I started to get lots of friends.Life is all about confidence."
Proves my point entirely. Go work on yourself. Get in shape, have a makeover, whatever makes you feel good. Unfortunately, people judge first and foremost on first impressions; the first thing is looks. Then the rest is down to your attitude and personality.
GabbieD has the right attitude. Eat healthy and do some exercise. Anyone who wouldn't give you the time of day before will suddenly want to get to know you. You watch. You're only 21 so don't worry so much.
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A
female
reader, hellokittyfan12 +, writes (11 January 2013):
hellokittyfan12 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hello thank you so much for answering all of the answers were truly helpful. . I am definitely trying to be more active and eating healthier. I am starting to love myself first and try to have a different attitude instead of looking depressed like I always do.
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A
female
reader, GabbieD +, writes (8 January 2013):
First of all, there's nothing wrong with not having had a boyfriend at age 21! I hadn't had one until I was approaching 23. Just remember, it's not WHEN that's important, but WHO.That being said, weight and self-esteem are related in this day and age, so it might be decreasing your chances to get someone. Yes, there are guys who are willing to date overweight girls, but it is really likely they themselves are overweight. Go to the mall, sit down, and watch the couples. Are they on par with looks? Do you see many super-skinny girls and overweight guys? Do you see the reverse? I did this once when I was wondering the same thing, and it turns out, people tend to go out with people who rank similarly on looks. I know beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but what I'm trying to say here is, if 2000 people say you are in top 1% of the population based on looks, most likely your guy will be said the same too.So get in shape. You'll feel A LOT better about yourself. I used to be overweight, then I lost weight and started modelling (which isn't the healthiest place for young girls, btw). I didn't get much good out of it, but I sure felt better about looking at myself in the mirror. If you can't like the way you look, how can a guy can? Just eat healthy, count calories, moderately exercise. Smile (smile just transforms a woman's face). You have to love yourself in order for someone else to love you. So feel better about yourself. You aren't a bad person! And remember, the guy just might not have crossed paths with you yet. That doesn't mean wait until he drops from the sky - you have to be active too - but I've found (after about 30 people told me) that if you're looking, he'll never come. Just as you decide "fine, I'm single, I'll do my own stuff" and get too busy to think about guys, he pops up. So love yourself first. Lose weight. Find something you love to do. And then magically, he'll be around the corner.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2013): Dear friend,I had extremely low self-esteem.I am 27 years old and already became bald.I was too shy to talk to girls.One day,I decided to shave my head and improve my communication skills.I went to gym and put more attention on the way I dress.To my surprise,things started to change.I started to get lots of friends.Life is all about confidence.You are just 21 years old.you have lots of time.I think good way to improve your personality is start talking to complete strangers.Because they would not already have a judgement about you.you can meet lots of people in shopping centres,streets,restaurants,library.Try to meet at least 2 new people a day.Again remember,life is all about self confidence.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (8 January 2013):
Hi there. You are probably worrying too much about how you come across to others, and so much that you don't relax enough to let your true self really shine through.
And so no-one ever really gets to know who you really are.
When people worry about what others think of them, they become tense and self conscious, and begin to act awkwardly and can't think outside of themselves and their own personal situation enough, to really open up towards others.
If that makes sense to you.
And when you feel like that, you wouldn't be aware of this yourself most likely, but you probably have a very serious look on your face and could come across to others, as unfriendly, or even aggressive.
For instance, you might probably be standing with your shoulders slouched, and your arms folded.
Which is a closed position, and is often considered to be not wanting company, and not wanting to talk with anyone.
This is something no doubt, you are completely unconscious of.
Perhaps the next time you are out with your friends, you could observe your own body position, and become consciously aware of how you are holding your arms - folded or by your sides - and how you are standing (straight and your shouders back? Or standing bent forward in a slouching position?)
And be mindful of your facial expressions as well.
You could be looking very serious, almost like you are angry.
And when someone looks like that, most people won't approach you at all, because you won't seem very welcoming.
And regardess of your weight, if you stand straight and hold your shoulders back at all times - relaxed, not tense and unnatural - you will always look your best anyway, as your whole body will be in perfect proportion.
So from now on, carry yourself with pride, and be proud of who you are.
Wear only the clothes that fit you well and in the colours that really suit your complexion, and make you feel really great when you wear them, and it will show on your face.
If you keep yourself clean and tidy and your hair clean and tidy and nicely styled or put up in a clip if it is long, well then you probably look fantastic anyway.
You just don't realize it, that's all.
Believe me, whatever weight we are, matters ZERO.
True beauty comes from within.
Practise on your smile, in the mirror at home.
So when you are introduced to someone, say "Hi" and smile warmly at them.
If you are interested in being healthy, well then walking is a great way to exercise and keep fit and well, and it will also give you more energy, and as an added bonus, it will help you to sleep well at night.
And people who get at least some regular exercise each week - say 3 to 5 days a week for 20 minutes at a time - will automatically feel good about themselves anyway, and that in turn gives them more personal confidence.
So no, there is nothing wrong with you at all.
You are already perfect, you just need to realize it for yourself.
However, body language and facial expressions definitely DO play a big part in first impressions, for sure.
It will draw people to you, every single time.
And after the initial "Hi", well then just relax and be yourself, and let the REAL you shine through.
And let others get to know you.
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A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (8 January 2013):
hellokittfan12, I'm not surprised you feel low after some guy pretended to go to the toilet and never came back. I've had awful experiences when I was a lot younger (and skinny).
Men have to pass the physical attraction test with women. Women have to do the same for men too. A man/woman can't date if they don't find the other person attractive (in some way). That means first and foremost looks.
That doesn't mean you have to be a supermodel. Otherwise no-one would get together except supermodels.
Most women do not find overweight (or skinny) men attractive. Most men do not find overweight women attractive. They might be the nicest people in the world, with the best sense of humour and great personalities. However, the other person needs to find you physically attractive in some way.
I used to be skinny guy which is just as bad for us guys. I was bullied at school (not high school though) by other boys. However, I go down the gym and I have to work really hard to put weight on (I have the metabolic rate of a 19 year old). Now, I get more dates. I'm not Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp but some girls find me attractive. Once they find me attractive at first glance they take the time to get to know me. Not only that but it actually makes me feel great (going down the gym). Afterwards I feel amazing (at the time I'm knackered!).
This might sound harsh but exercise, eat more healthy. Make it your mission to get fit and healthy. Not to get a nice guy but for your own sake. It'll do wonders for your confidence and self-esteem. You know what? I bump into girls I used to go to school with and I fancied ALL of them. They can't believe it's me. I've changed so much. Most of the guys don't recognise me either (I'm a lot taller now too).
Not only will you feel better, be healthier, you'll feel more confident, it'll do wonders for your self-esteem and you might just find a nice guy.
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