A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My father is emotionally distant and is never respectful of me and my mother in public.As a father, He has never attended any of school events, has never allowed me to bring home friends, was emotionally unavailable all through my childhood. I forgave him to an extent since he himself had issues while growing up - his brothers are out of work and one of them frittered his life away doing drugs. My father used to make available a portion of his money to his family too in a bid to take care of him. He used to be extremely loving towards his parents and brothers and used to vent all his frustrations that he had towards his parents and brothers towards me and my mum. My mum used to get beaten up regularly for the slightest of things.He also had a violent temper and used to roar- yes literally roar- at me and threaten to beat me up if my grades were slightly lower in a term or two at school. The worst part was he refused to stick up for me under any circumstances. I remember, one morning one of his friends, who came over for breakfast looking at our family photographs when I was a teenager and remarking how ugly i looked. My father pretended not to notice. I later went to school that day. Upon returning from school I found my mum clutching her neck.She tearfully recounted how my father had beaten her up and pulled her by her hair for producing an offspring that looked ugly. He forced me to wear braces thereafter ( it has had minimum effect on my face though). Also during family meet ups if a cousin bullied me my father used to take up their side and taunt me about how pathetic i was. In a rare instance when me and my family were playing carrom board, he called me incompetent when I missed a couple of shots and threatened to tear up a portait that I had painted and burn my legs. I was interning with a firm at that point of time. He further threatened me during the game to publicly walk into my office (he knew one of the founding partners there) and scream at me. I knew the last part wouldnt happen but I felt extremely insulted. Me and my mum tried talking to him, but each time we did he would never accept his fault and simply cry that his family's failure was making him behave this way. He used to offer reassurances that things will become better once we reach a better economical status and once I also become successful in life. Today we are better placed in society through his hard work at workplace. I also obtained multiple professional degrees and I am independent and by god's grace doing things very well for myself. But the tendency to humiliate me and remain unsupportive hasnt come down. Only last week he again blamed me for not being an engineer ( I am a CPA with an additional degree in management ?!) and told how i deserved the taunts of a relative who had earlier jeered at me for not becoming an engineer or a doctor. There are times when some manipulative people sense this side to him and indulge in humiliating me and my mother knowing fully well that my dad wont take our side or stand up for us ever.Recently our architect who is renovating our house remarked how my mum couldnt maintain the house properly to my father ( he was watching my father's behaviour earlier), my father laughed it off and awarded him the contract. My mum told him the way the architect spoke was inappropriate. My father smiled at her and said that she was not such a great beauty that everyone should like her. The architect is actually a fraud and is tricking my father into buying unecessarily expensive items from shops where he gets commission but me and mum are not able to convince my father about this issue at all. My questions are these : 1. How do I deal with my father ? 2. What do I do about this architect ? ( Note: Please understand questions in this webpage arise because of need for solutions but Aunts and Uncles, especially the brutally frank lot please bear in mind that I am extremely hurt at this point and might not find overt brutality helpful. So if you are the brutal type dont bother answering this question.Thanks for understanding.)
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at work, braces, bullied, cousin, drugs, money, violent, workplace Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (19 February 2018):
 Just because he had issues growing up never excuses abusive behavior. No man has any right to lay a finger on his wife or 'roar' at an innocent child.
Your fathers friend was very cruel for saying that about a teenager, he is the ugly one not you, beauty goes more than skin deep. As for your father beating up your mother because she produced you, well that is plain wrong. Your father obviously has some serious issues and is a very angry person. I wonder why he married your mother if he treats her so bad.
You should not allow your father to get away with threatning you. As a child you couldn't stand up for yourself as he was your protector, but now you are an adult and you need to decide when enough is going to be enough. You need to decide when you deserve to be treated better.
Him making excuses and crying that it was his families fault he was abusive is just an excuse and a way out. Have you children OP? Would you treat them bad just because your father treated you bad? No, because it is excuses. No matter what you do OP your father will always find fault in you. It is because he is unhappy with who he is so he takes it out on you and your mother. I am glad you are doing well for yourself OP and I hope some day you can be strong enough to stand up to your Dad and tell him it is not okay to treat you the way that he does! OP even if you were an engineer he would want you to be someone else, you can never win, no matter how hard you try. All you can do is learn from it and decide what path your future takes.
As for your questions, well personally if it was my father I would wash my hands from him. I couldn't stand to be nice to someone who abused me since I was a child and always put me down. That can have serious effects on your mental health and well for me personally I would put myself first and get rid of him from my life. Do you still live with your parents or do you have your own place? As for the architect again is he working on your home or your parents? Or do you all live together? If it is your parents home well there really is nothing much you can do, if you have a share in the home then I would seek legal advice. However if it is your Dad's money and he wants to hire this architect then I guess there is nothing you can do about it really.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2018): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry male reader anon- you clearly had an option not to answer this question!!! I am simply requesting an opinion from aunts and uncles and requesting them not to be brutal in the process. You seem to have misconceptions about this forum that you can say whatever you want in the name of delivering an opinion. You are clearly in the wrong forum Mr.Anon. Again remember there is an option in this forum to vote or help remove hurtful answers. That option was given just to ensure that wayward passerbys dont hurt people who share their problems. And you havent even got my question clearly. I am seeking solution to cope up with a difficult father. I am not looking to leave! So why dont you ?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2018): It's clearly that all the abuse has blinded you from the truth that you vare not to hear the brutal answer. You're in the wrong forum. Anytime one is dealing with abuse. It's easy! Leave.
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A
female
reader, Starlights +, writes (16 February 2018):
 Its very clear that your father wont change his behaviour. You have choices to either accept him the way he is and learn to detach from what he says and does and not to take his behaviour personally or the other option is to not engage with him at all. As for the architect its probably best to find or have some evidence on him that he is a fraud and present it to your father , hopefully that way he will see the truth. Either way you know that you will have tried your best to help him out of the situation. Good luck!
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