A
female
age
30-35,
*utter
writes:Hi everyone,I have an ongoing, nagging problem that won't go away and it keeps getting bigger and bigger. I'm scared of having sex, even oral etc doing anything sexual with another person. This is long so bare with me, I'm going to get therapy to deal with this, but just thought maybe some of you might be able to help me sort it out a little better before then.I am 22 and a virgin obviously. I have a normal sex drive, have been masturbating for years, have had orgasms before, I have many fantasies, watch porn etc. I'm pretty kinked also. I'm interested and curious about sex, and I'd like to have sex with a guy (or girl even) so I'm not asexual or anything. I don't think it's sinful/bad/gross and I'm not religious, neither is my family. My parents couldn't care less. I fantasise about having it, but the moment I meet someone I just freak out. It's as if my libido goes out the door and I don't want to anymore. I just want to be normal and everyone keeps telling me that the way I act is not normal which makes me really upset.I meet guys easily enough and have had about half a dozen boyfriends, but have only ever been in LOVE with 2 guys before, one moved overseas and the other didn't like me. I don't know if my sex fear thing is because the other boyfriends I'm not that into or my one night standers (who end up leaving without any sex which makes me feel so bad I self harm, and I never intend to pick them up, they usually walk me home, to the door, then come in and I feel bad if I don't at least offer them a cup of tea)I don't know or trust very well so therefore can't bring myself to having sex with them. I'm very slow to get to know people and slower to trust people, and deep down think if I can't give my heart to them, why would I give them my body? Some of them are sympathetic, others just leave disappointed, and a few have gotten very mad and tried to force me. Some even ask if I'd like to practice on them and they offer to show me the ropes but I get too scared to do anything.A few things which could also be compounding the problem are I'm diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome, which means I'm really sensitive to touch and sometimes it's painful having another's hands on my skin. I had a boyfriend when I was 12 and he used to try to force various things on me which I didn't understand and made me feel scared and embarrassed. Also I'm extremely emotional so cry the instant I get upset which confuses the hell out of people (normal acting girl takes clothes off, gets touched, freaks out, cries...)So question A: what is wrong with me? a) too much masturbation/fantasisingb) some horrible psychological disorder, with/without asperger'sc) feard) otherand question B: how do I fix it?a) don't masturbate as much (very hard for me to do)b) get therapy for psychological stuffc) find someone I'm in love withd) just do it!?As an end note, you don't need to tell me that it's just going to get worse as I get older, don't you think I already know that? And secondly, I'm perfectly happy single.Any help is appreciated,Cutter.
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libido, one night stand, orgasm, porn, sex drive Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Cutter +, writes (25 September 2011):
Cutter is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the replies people, they really help. I'm in a job at the moment until Christmas which means I'm travelling all over the country and just the other day I met someone at a night club and he offered to walk me home and it turned into the situation above, but I freaked out because I'm flying to another state next week and can't really cope with LDRs (my most serious relationship lasted 1.5 years then it turned LDR and we mutually broke up).
I have had some terrible relationships mainly because I used to date anyone because I had a low self esteem and needed a guy to make me feel loved and wanted. I was bullied harshly by other girls in high school, and used to get called a man, which adding with bisexuality meant I was depressed for a few years. I'm getting a lot more comfortable with myself now, but still have memories of those guys I dated I never really liked at all and they used to force me to do things with them then get mad at me when I didn't which made me feel worse. My last relationship ended because although he was a nice guy and we were attracted to each other, as soon as he drank he'd want to get me in bed and he was really (physically) forceful about this. I've also had a few close friends who betrayed me.
Thanks again,
A
female
reader, Denise32  +, writes (24 September 2011):
 In addition to going into therapy - and Daniel's advice and insight is very good - you might want to think about waiting until you meet a man who wants to be in a committed relationship with you, and vice versa. Doesn't mean you necessarily have to get married - unless you both eventually want to.
Sounds like you've had some rather bad encounters with men you have dated, so that's the reason for my recommendation re waiting.....
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Daniel the love doctor +, writes (24 September 2011):
 O.k. After reading your post, I think your situation is more psychological than it is physical. Even though the Asperger's may have an effect when it comes to being touched or having some sort of contact with an individual, I think you psyche yourself out before it even gets to that point.
You need to work on a few things within yourself that may be very deep rooted (such as: trusting, fear/nervousness, getting over past relationships, being hurt/betrayed by a friend/family member...etc). So I think it would be best to see a psychologist- and maybe a sex therapist to help you work on your issues.
I wish you the very best!
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