A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:At the start of the year, I moved to a different country for three months for work purposes. I was single and had been very happy for many years. So it came as a surprise when I met a man, started dating him and continued seeing him after I left and moved back home. I thought I'd give him a chance because he was crazy about me and I enjoyed his company. Even before I left, he had booked flight tickets to see me every two weeks for two months. So we carried on seeing each other. He kept hinting at the "three words" but I wasn't ready to say it. I was taking my time, I was cautious because I hadn't been in a relationship for years and I was afraid. Nevertheless, two months ago, I fell for him. Around 2 months ago, things started to change. He voiced his doubts about how incompatible we were together (and he wondered if this was a good or bad thing) and about the long distance (only 1.5 hour flight). He did hint that we should maybe break up a few times but always changed his mind mid discussion and regretted it.The last time this happened was more than a month ago but he regretted it, told me he loved me (I said it back) and booked a surprise weekend for us. We had the best time ever. He kept apologising for his behaviour. I told him not to, that if we just see how the next few months ago, no pressure, things would be ok etc. I told him, as long as we were friends who could *talk* to each other, no matter what the outcome, that he would never have to be sorry, that we should discuss things and be there for each other. That way, no matter what, we wouldn't end up fighting or hating each other. He agreed. It was a great weekend. I really felt like things were back on track. We had planned that I would visit him in two weeks time. He arranged a big party at his place as an opportunity to meet more of his friends.A few days after he left, I became ill and he called me to make sure I was ok, was fussing over me etc. Later on in the week, I had an important hospital appointment (cervical cancer biopsy). He didn't call me for days following this because I thought he was busy with his friend who had come to visit him. But that didn't make sense, to me anyway. Didn't he have 5 mins to call me? I tried to contact him but nothing. Then two days later, I received an email at 1am telling me that it was over, that his doubts are still there, and it would be dishonest and unfair to continue, that he didn't want to talk for a few days. I sent a few messages back but all were ignored. Over the next week, I kept myself really busy. Went out with friends, family etc. I started to heal slightly and I didn't want any bad feeling between us. I've never not been able to remain friends with an ex before. So I sent him a message telling him that I agreed with the break up and that if he ever wanted to talk, to feel free to get in touch. I just wanted to clear the air, tell him there were no bad feelings. He didn't respond to this message so two days after that I sent another telling him that I got the hint and that before I turn into a stalker (yes, by now I was starting to feel really, really embarrassed by the messages I was sending him with no response), that I would leave him alone. I received a reply almost immediately, telling me that he had forgotten to reply to my message, that he was happy I no longer wished we didn't talk and that he was busy and would talk to me later when the dust settles his end, because he's really busy. Later on in the day, I became very emotional and sent him an email asking if we were really over (yeah, I didn't get that from the way he broke up with me and not replying to my messages). It was a stupid thing to do. Of course, no response. I visited his city last week for work and we met up. Had a nice friendly chat. I realised how much I loved him so the next day I asked him about things. He told me he never loved me and that he had met someone else. I think he may have borderline personality disorder. He told me a few months ago he thought he may have bipolar. BPD would explain the extremes in his behaviour - loving me, then not loving me. I'm just so hurt, he was my perfect man, I totally fell in love. He was so in love with me, the way he pursued me and tried to make it work. I'm trying to make sense but I know there is no point. It hurts so much :(
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broke up, fell in love, long distance Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (24 September 2011):
 OP, you just need to get over this though because he is really not worth analysing. he may be have mental problems or he may just be a lying disrespectful manipulating a**hole, labelling him is not gonna change a thing. just learn from what's happened. you know, some peoples behaviour is so bad its shocking and we can be amazed at just how much a person can lie and deceive us, but its just an unfortunate part of life for some of us. yes i have been there! and all i cold do was put it behind me and vow that i would be less naive and trusting next time round. this guy is seriously not worth you thinking about, coz i bet he isn't thinking about you right nowx
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2011): I think he just lost interest and was probably seeing another woman the whole time. Some people just like the high of a new relationship, which lasts about 3 months, and then they move on. It doesn't mean they are mentally ill.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi angelDlite, I'm not trying to find excuses or to label him with anything. Of course, I'm no doctor, but I do know that his behaviour is very odd. There is much more to my story, of course, but due to time and space, I haven't added everything here. Anyway, thank you all for responding!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi marieclaire, thanks for your message, just to clarify, I do know the difference.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (24 September 2011):
BPD can only be diagnosed after thorough assessment by a mental health professional. you seem as if you are giving him this label in order to make sense of his rotten treatment of you. do not make excuses for him, see him for what he is - a man who 'love-bombed' you in order to gain what he wanted (sex / attention / whatever) he knew that hinting at love would be the way to soften you up to give him what he was after. when he tired of the relationship and you served your purpose he was able to switch his attention off because the feelings he had were just superficial and false, not deep and genuine.
this may be part of a mental illness or it may just be because he was not truly into into you but he saw that you were single and hence you would welcome his attention and romance.
you will get over him. it takes time. start by accepting what has happened. forgive yourself for being fooled. men like this are good at what they do, it is not your fault. just don't contact him again, the good thing is he lives far from you so there is no chance of running into him again. take a lesson from what has happened - you do not put all your faith into someone just because they are over the top romantic with you, get to know them much better before you give your heart up to someone
x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi marieclaire
I'm not one to make excuses and I've been through break ups in the past ok without diagnosing them :)
But his behaviour is striking and he must be rather unsettled if he thinks he has bipolar.
Just wanted to share my story for support during this difficult time.
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