A
female
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hi so I have a little conflict with myself right now and I don't really know what to do. I happen to be 17 turning 18 and my boyfriend is 19 turning 20 and lately we've been discussing the topic of lovemaking. For starters I do know that I am too young to be thinking about sex, and I do plan on waiting a bit longer than I expect to. Well I am a virgin and my boyfriend isn't. I found out that he had lost his virginity to an 18 year old when he was 15 and since then he's had multiple sex partners. I never asked how many because I'm scared knowing will only make me more conflicted. I have asked him about what he's done with other irks and it seems disappointing to me in short. I do love him and I know that I could never have such a close connection with anyone else like I do with him. I have talked about the topic bothering me with him and he constantly tells me that I am the only girl he can see being with for the rest of his life and I trust him I really do. I just feel hurt that I'm here with him going to be my first and me being his next partner so to say. I don't know I just feel like it won't be special even though he says it will. I know it's not that rare for girls to be feeling like this but I just need to know if it's selfish of me to wanted to have been his first or have done something that could have been memorable for him. All the time I constantly feel like he'll find someone that could make him happier and I'm always feeling like I'm not good enough and I feel that if I give him my virginity, I'm giving him a claim on me but I won't have any significant claim to him. Is it selfish of me to be thinking this way or is it even normal? I just need some help since it's something I can't talk about with friends or close confidants. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, eddie.r00 +, writes (16 May 2013):
What you are feeling is completely normal, the pressures can be overwhelming. Many people have different views on losing their virginity: some see it as a step toward maturity, others do it out of curiosity, but most people see it as a special connection. Losing your virginity should be special but when dating an older man sex can mean different things to both of you. This feeling of uncertainty is from a lack of trust; you’re putting up walls up in order to prevent hurt from happening. See you don’t trust him when he says it will be special to him because the meaning of sex to both of you is different, he wants pleasure and you want emotion. Trust allows us to build a deep loving connection and is the foundation of a healthy relationship but at the same time it leaves us vulnerable, that feeling vulnerability makes us build walls that happen subconsciously. Your conscious is trying to tell you something! That sex with your boyfriend will not be a special connection that you want it to be. You say knowing how many girls he has been with makes you feel conflicted and scared. Sometimes facing the truth can be hard, because knowing how many girls he has had sex with might mean that he has done it before and you might not be his last. These feeling that you think are selfish are not. Truth is your right on point; he seems to be a point in his life where sex means pleasure and you’re in a point where sex means emotion. There should be some type of emotional or even spiritual connection between the both of you guys, for you to feel completely satisfied. I feel that you are right not to trust your boyfriend with your virginity.Now I’m not trying to run your boyfriend under a bus because he could be sincere, however being cautious would be the wisest thing to do, wait till your married. Time can be your best friend and reveal all you need to know about your potential mate. Waiting till marriage is a safe way to truly reach the climax of an emotional and spiritual partnership. Talking to your boyfriend about how you feel and what you want to do. If he truly feels the same way about you and see’s you as “the only girl for the rest of his life” then marriage is the perfect solution for you not to get hurt and also this way you can have that significant claim on him. You shouldn’t feel rushed to have sex but in case you don’t want to wait till marriage you should still wait and see if he sticks it out with you and truly cares. Being able to feel vulnerable with your partner and trusting him is not only the great feeling in itself but essential to having a healthy relationship.Now waiting in general will tell you all about your boyfriend intent, either he’ll leave you because he was looking to score some ass or he will wait because he loves you and truly want to be with you. I believe in your situation that marriage is what you want, a significant claim on your man. The path your on right is uncertain, like a game of dice. Your boyfriend could be plotting to get you in bed or he could be sincere and want to be with you the rest of his life. Regardless to which his standpoint is, its high stakes. By changing your path and hold off on having sex you lower stakes and lower the risk of you getting hurt. You can begin to trust him and have a worried-free relationship with a significant claim on your man.
A
female
reader, Ely9 +, writes (16 May 2013):
There are many things that can get us to have low self-esteem in our lives. We might not feel great about how we look or our current body image. You might spend time thinking of what you used to be and how you became the way you are today. You might not have enough self-confidence to believe in yourself or feel good about yourself. If you think negative things about yourself, it might affect how people view you as a person. Similar to your situation, Anastasia Steele also goes through a problem of being a virgin to having sex with a more experienced partner in Fifty Shades of Grey by E.L James. She feels less of herself compared to her lover Christian Grey and often wonders why he chose her. I think part of your problem is you have low self-esteem; in order to make the best choice for yourself, you must be confident in what you are going to get yourself intoYou sometimes lower yourself and don’t have enough confidence to confront your boyfriend. For example, in your letter you say you are “not good enough” or you are “scared” of knowing the truth of your boyfriend’s past. You feel insecure that your boyfriend will leave you if don’t give your virginity to him, yet you say he sees you as the “only girl” in his life. If you put yourself in your boyfriend’s shoes would you want someone that is vulnerable? If your boyfriend feels that he is not good enough for you; wouldn’t you start to believe that you deserve someone better than him ( Dating Advice Fixell)? Having low self-esteem affects how the person you love sees you. You could be vulnerable and needy, and your boyfriend might think he does have a certain claim on you because you are easily manipulated onto thinking you don’t deserve anyone better. You should learn to higher your self-esteem before you make a big decision that you will remember for the rest of your life.You must feel good about yourself before entering into a sexual relationship. If I were faced with a situation like yours, I would wait and hold off sex. You are not ready to having a sexual relationship until you are comfortable with yourself. People with low self-esteem tend to feel more needy and attached to their partners (Self-Esteem and Perceived Regard Sciangula and Morry). You become dependent on your partner rather than being independent. Maybe that is why you have the idea that he might have a certain “claim” on you. You must ask yourself is it really love that your feeling or is it some type of attachment that you don’t want to let go. When you are sure of your feelings towards your boyfriend, then you would be able to make the decision that is best for you. If your boyfriend really did love you, he would understand to put off sex. It doesn’t sound like you are being pressured to have sex, so why not wait? Whether the outcome comes out positive or negative you would be able to survive with or without him.You could have sex with your partner or you could put it off for now. If you continue making the same choices that you are doing today, you will constantly be unhappy. You are letting people decide for your future instead of you deciding for yourself. If you continue to have low self-esteem you would be vulnerable and your boyfriend might take advantage of you. You must become independent and rely on yourself first, so you could make the best choice for yourself. Having high self-esteem will result in a better equilibrium relationship. In order to love someone you must love yourself first. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2013): My Advice To You I came up with some things, after reading your troubled situation, I thought about you and your relationship. It seems that you are feeling insecure about yourself and about giving your boyfriend your virginity for a legitimate reason. Having someone as your significant other that has already had multiple partners and it’s only your first time can be very nerve wracking. Losing your virginity to someone can be a huge part of someone’s life. It can feel like you’re giving that person a piece of you and when your significant other has already lost it, it may seem like it isn’t as special to them as it is to you. You may feel like he is past emotional sex and just wants to have it for pleasure and you want the emotional. Letting go of someone’s past can be the key factor for being able to advance a serious relationship.First off, I feel that you need to not think so much of your boyfriends past, either try to forget it or face it and accept him for who he is. Even though he has already lost his virginity ( awhile ago), there is a chance that it could be just as special for him as it is for you especially is he really means it when he says that he loves you. You need to “let this relationship stand on its own”, meaning you cant compare your current relationship to any that you or your boyfriend has had in the past. By you thinking that you are going to do something wrong or aren’t going to do something that his previous partners has done is nonsense and something that you should not be worried about. There is a chance that your boyfriend might get fed up with this because he is obviously with you for a reason and is staying with you because he loves you. This can put a strain on your relationship because with some things that you do or how you act around him, I don’t know why you feel that you are not good enough and that someone has done it better before you and this is just more nonsense for you to be thinking. There is no way for you to ever find out unless you feel comfortable enough and try it with him. My solution to you is that you should change your mind set, you need to stop feeling that you aren’t good enough for him. He either accepts you for who you are or he doesn’t and he can shoo off. You need to “learn how to realistically view your relationship, remembering no relationship is perfect” which was written in an online article by Maria Lyles. This will help your relationship because it seems you feel hesitant or insecure around your boyfriend for reasons that shouldn’t be bothering you. You said that you have a closer connection with him than you have ever had with anyone else which should say a lot right there alone. If you feel that you have that close of a connection with him then you should have nothing to worry about with him. You are obviously the girl that is making him happy and he doesn’t want anyone other than you. This will help you to feel more relaxed around him and try not to feel like you aren’t good enough, that feeling is never a good feeling to have and plus it is not true. You are always good enough. Remember to think that you are always good enough for him, that you make him happy and that he loves you and only you. You should never have to worry about other girls in his past (unless he gives you a reason) or what he has done in his past because it will only end up holding your relationship back. If you continue to feel like this around your boyfriend and keep on feeling like you’re not good enough or being to insecure there is a chance that he could get sick of trying to convince you that you are. If you end up giving him your virginity it may bring your relationship and connection with him even closer than it is now. You are trusting him that he is going to take having sex with you as an emotion and a serious moment with you. By you having trust in him and feeling safe with him, you shouldn’t have to worry about doing anything wrong or not doing something that someone else did before. It is not selfish for you to think that you won’t have any significant claim on him like he will have on you, but if he chooses to leave or to move on after you guys do have sex then obviously he wasn’t the right person for you. You deserve the best and only someone who will treat you right and accepts you for you.
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A
female
reader, vlvergie +, writes (16 May 2013):
Concerning the young woman in turmoil… I see how you are in a great confusion as many girls in your situation would be. The age difference is the most significant problem in your situation. Although many people say, “Age is but a number” but in this case, I see that it causes a couple of problems. There is no guideline or rulebook that says when a girl is allowed to engage in sexual activity. Studies show that many teenagers perceive engaging in relationships with older people would be normal from their mother’s account of being with much older men. It is normal for this to occur but it may raise problems for other people. If you are worrying a lot and unsure if you want to take that next step, it is preferable that you should wait until you are very positive to lose your virginity.A lot of girls have been in the same situation and you are not alone. Since your boyfriend is a bit more mature and experienced, it scares you into not wanting to know how many partners your boyfriend has actually been with. That information is very useful to your knowledge, and as painful it will be to know how many he had, it is still necessary information. This is your body that you could possibly affect and the consequences are dire. The love that you have for your boyfriend makes you confused and in a debate in whether or not you two should take the next step. I understand how you may be concerned if he will share the same feelings with you, but I see that he will not because this is not his first time. In my opinion, a girl should not be so concerned about their partner’s past and having so many second thoughts about taking the next step in the relationship. Since there is a lot of information you have yet to find out about your boyfriend’s past, you absolutely need to know. You have to talk to him about it but do not sound demanding of the information. It is just important information that you have a right to know if you two will have sex. If his past overwhelms you, it is a good thing to have you take him to get tested. You need to remember that the consequences of making love with him could affect you for the rest of your life. After the test results, it will determine your decision of whether or not you should have sex with him. Why all these steps are necessary is because you just want your first time to be extra safe because of the worries your boyfriend’s past brings you. If your boyfriend doesn’t understand why you are throwing these things at him, he is not worth the opportunity of being with you. You could risk it with your boyfriend and letting love make your decisions, or you can be safe, and following what is safe for your body. If you truly love your boyfriend, you may follow your heart, if you are not, don’t follow your heart, but your head. Having sex with your boyfriend without getting him tested is a risk, and you may feel satisfied, but you may also contract an STD. After you get him tested, and see that he is safe, you can finally decide emotionally if you are ready to have your first time with him. You will know if your boyfriend is not the right one to spend your first time if he reacts negatively to your feelings. It is your decision to make and I hope you make it wisely.
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A
female
reader, love_bear +, writes (15 May 2013):
To Whom It May Concern, Growing up society has trained girls to compete against one another. We are constantly comparing looks, popularity, and intelligence. Girls tend to compare them selves to other girls because they feel insecure. The proceeding appears to be your problem. Look to your self you can be your own solution and your own problem. Three ways you can go about overcoming your insecurities; open up to your boyfriend and tell him how your feeling, understand that there is a reason those other girls are “ex” girlfriends, and realize that you have so much to offer. One thing you cannot continue to do is mull over his past girlfriends. You are just going to drive yourself crazy and create tension in your relationship. Everyone has a past whether it is good or bad. His stories happened long before you came into the picture, you have to find the strength within yourself to forget and move on. What is important is right now. This is the perfect time for you to be selfish. Sit down and think about what it is you want in a relationship. Most girls overthink and overanalyze every little thing in a relationship. One thing you can do is join a club, a church group, or volunteer for charity work. This way your mind will be less focused on yourself and your insecurities, you might also find other people who like to do the same things you do, your view may change on what your looking for in a partner, you will have more going on in your life making you seem more interesting to the opposite sex, and you will find that you have more to offer a man. You can also sit down and talk to your boyfriend; you will feel much better once you let it out. If he honestly cares about you he will understand. If you use the advice above I think you and your boyfriend will become much closer and you will feel relieved. Again those options are to join a club, join a church group, or volunteer for charity work, and talk to your boyfriend about how you are feeling. Although if you continue to compare yourself to his past girlfriends and let it consume you, it will eventually lead to you two breaking up because no one wants to constantly have to explain or defend their past. The decision you choose can either make or break you, but I have faith that you will choose wisely.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 May 2013):
 IF you are planning on waiting STOP TALKING ABOUT IT. That’s the first rule… the more you talk about it the less important it becomes. We become desensitized to things we see and talk about a lot… violence, drugs, sex.
STOP asking him about his past sexual activity. It’s not your business anyway. I know you think it is because he’s your boyfriend but it’s not because it was before you knew him and it’ has no bearing on you and him as a couple.
DO not assume you will never have such a close connection to anyone else or he’s the be all to end all and your first and last boyfriend. I will bet my paycheck on it he’s not. It feels good and right for now but what you want at 17/18 seems silly and trite at 24/25 and then at 30 you may look back and go “WHAT WAS I THINKING?”
It’s not selfish to want to be his first but it is impractical since you are not and can never be.
This does not mean it won’t be memorable for him. You are not GIVING him your virginity btw. You are making an adult decision to have sex. YOU can’t GIVE your virginity to him. IT does not give him any claim to you or make your bond any stronger than if he was your 30th partner.
I am married to my 4th husband. I have had more partners male and female than probably most of the active aunts online combined. My husband had many partners before me including escorts. Guess what… our bond is strong and our claim to each other is solid because that’s what we choose. IT has NOTHING to do with sex or our wedding bands but rather OUR CHOICE to live committed and partnered with each other forsaking all others.
Once you get past the whole sex is magical and it changes things, you may see it more practically.
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A
female
reader, queenadelaide  +, writes (2 May 2013):
There are lots of questions hidden in your question so I'll address them separately :-)
'For starters I do know that I am too young to be thinking about sex, and I do plan on waiting a bit longer than I expect to. '
It's great that you're self aware. Make sure that you're prepared with condoms and contraception as well in anticipation of your first time. Start doing your research into everything *now* so that you're not only emotionally ready but practically ready. You don't want to fall pregnant your first time or get nasty STIs.
'I never asked how many because I'm scared knowing will only make me more conflicted.'
Very smart. Too many people ask for information they cannot handle. I know you're probably dying to know but don't open that can of worms. As long as he has no infections and as long as he didn't obviously treat his previous partners badly, you don't need to know anything else.
'I do love him and I know that I could never have such a close connection with anyone else like I do with him.'
That is exactly what I said at your age with my first boyfriend. I kind of believed it too. With hindsight, I know that I didn't really love him and I've gone on to meet someone else who is *Perfect* for me. My point is, yes your feelings for him are strong, I don't doubt that. But you have a lot to offer, and there are lots of people who would love to go out with you. You are with your current boyfriend because you ***choose to be with him because he makes you happy***. When he stops making you happy, you can choose not to be with him anymore. I wanted to make that distinction for you so that you ***don't feel like you have to stay with him because you're afraid you won't find a connection like that again.*** There are many truly wonderful men out there. Cherish your memories with your boyfriend, but don't trap yourself unnecessarily by selling yourself short. He'll treat you well if you believe and act like you deserve only the best. It goes without saying that you will treat him the same. You'll both be happier that way.
Onto your main question;
'I just feel hurt that I'm here with him going to be my first and me being his next partner so to say. I just feel like it won't be special even though he says it will.'
There is a lot of pressure on the first time. But for many people it's just awkward and for some girls, painful. So it's not necessarily it being the first time that makes it special. Your first time could be with a male prostitute. That wouldn't be special. Your first time could be on a drunken night out, that wouldn't be special. Your first time could be when you've been pressured into it, that wouldn't be special. It could be with someone you're not really sure about, that wouldn't be special. Do you see where I'm going with this? It's not necessarily it being the first time that makes it special.
It's a combination of the right partner, the right circumstances and you being ready. This by the way will be true with all the sexual encounters you ever have. This is what makes them special.
Notice that I haven't mentioned past sexual partners. Because in the bigger scheme of things, it doesn't really matter. As long as it feels good and special to you both, that's all you need.
I know it's a hard pill to swallow that you waited for the best possible moment for you to have your first time but he had already experienced that nervousness/ excitement of the first time. Yes that sucks, but it's not a big deal. It really isn't. Look on the bright side, he must have learned a thing or two about giving sexually. So in some ways, you benefit from that experience too.
But don't drive yourself crazy focusing on the fact that it's not his first time. It's really a non-issue.
It might even be the case that you don't stay together forever. If that happens, if your next sexual partner is a virgin when you've lost yours to your current boyfriend, would you feel less special because you'd already lost your virginity? Would it be fair for your next partner to think of you as bringing less to the relationship because you'd had your first time when you were ready?
'All the time I constantly feel like he'll find someone that could make him happier and I'm always feeling like I'm not good enough'
Sweetheart, you are the only you there is. No-one else can be better than you at that. List all the things that you feel you're good at and look at that next time you feel like you're not good enough. If you feel like you're not good enough, you will subconsciously give him the go ahead to treat you like you're not good enough. You will put up with being treated badly because you think you don't deserve better. This kind of thinking is not healthy for you. Start working on your self-esteem. Do the things that you enjoy and get fulfilment and confidence from your achievements.
'I feel that if I give him my virginity, I'm giving him a claim on me but I won't have any significant claim to him.'
Your virginity is your gift to yourself. Not to someone else. You're giving yourself the opportunity for a sweet first time. You didn't save it for him personally. You saved it for yourself to give away when it feels best for you. He will not get any claims to anything. He will be honoured and humbled that you decide to share **your personally precious** moment with him. But he will not have any claims.
Your questions and concerns are perfectly normal and i hope I've helped some. If you need anymore advice just give me a shout.
I don't know you but I am very proud of you for working out what's what before plunging in.
Best wishes hun xxx
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (2 May 2013):
Not selfish, but pointless.
Wanting to be his first too is something that is an impossibility so you have no choice but to accept it, or if you can’t, allow it to end the relationship.
You seem to misunderstand the point of sex though: it’s not made memorable because of the act itself, when it is done within a loving relationship. IT won’t be less memorable or special for him if, say, your performance isn’t as good as a more experienced girl he’s slept with in the past. It will be memorable because it is an intimate and shared experience between people who love each other. Given the depth of feeling for you he is professing, it sounds very much like it will be special for him too. Maybe he sowed his wild oats and now he’s grown up a bit. People change, who is the same person 5 years later as their 15 year-old self? Finding some-one you want a relationship with can change people. IT mightn’t be the first time he had sex, but it sounds like he feels it will be the first experience that matters and has significance beyond the moment the sex act finishes.
You shouldn’t regret losing your virginity. Reading your post, I do think you need to wait a while longer though, not least because you need to get your head around the real meaning and significance of sex and talk to him about your fears and concerns. Don’t torture yourself by asking how many sexual partner’s he’s had, it’s irrelevant. You can ask him to wait, it doesn’t sound like he has a problem with that.
Your fears go beyond not knowing what to do, they are about committing to having sex in the first place, so don’t do it yet.
I wish you all the very best.
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