A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:So, my boyfriend and I have been dating for a year and in the beginning he would never yell at me, but now it's like everything I do is wrong. I can't talk to certain people otherwise he gets really angry and threatens to leave me, if I don't do something right. Sometimes I just agree with him to make him happy and not made. But when I agree with him he gets mad at me, like I can't win. He gets mean and after he's done yelling at me , he either gets really sad and apologizes and tells me how sorry he is and how much he loves me and how he never wants to loose me and usually takes me out to eat or buys me clothes afterwards ? Everytime he yells and basically just break down, even when I try not to and act strong in front of him. He calls me dumb or stupid. If a guy talks to me, he'll glares at me, Also, his parents used to yell at him alot and sometimes hit him, do you think that could have another affect in him? Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2013): Yes you must get away. It will take all the strength and will power you possess because he will resist like hell. Come back on here for support whenever you need it. I recently got out of an abusive relationship, and the aunts and uncles on here were the mainstay of my support, even sanity at times. You will have ups and downs, but you have all our good wishes behind you, so believe you are better than this and move on. X
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2013): He fits the classic profile of an abusive person. This type of person is not suited to be in any relationship with anyone because they are incapable of relating properly and normally. Steer clear of him.
...............................
A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (2 May 2013):
 You have beautifully outlined the CYCLE of ABUSE. Although wouldn’t it be more prudent of you Anonymous, to think how this affects you? Unless you just want to be well fed and clothed, thinking his bribery to keep you is right?
TENSIONS build – A guy talks to you, talking to certain people, you agree with him and or don’t do something right.
INCIDENT – Anger, YELLING, name calling, threatens to leave (I predict that HITTING will eventually occur!)
RECONSILIATION/Honeymoon Phase – Apologises, gets sad, never wants to loose you, takes you out to eat or buys you clothes. PLEASE NOTE: This is where people convince themselves that the relationship isn’t all that bad!
CALM – The calm before the next cycle of abuse begins
Take Care – CAA
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 May 2013):
 IN the beginning they never yell or hit. He’s progressed to yelling. Hitting is probably not far behind. How much abuse are you willing to take from this man? Because he is abusing you.
NOT permitting you to talk to certain people is controlling behavior. He can express his dislike of some people and he can say he would PREFER YOU CHOOSE not to speak to them but he can’t tell you who you can and cannot speak to. If he does, that’s the first step in control. Next will be what you can wear, (no shorts or skirts, no cleavage, no bright colors, perhaps a burka if he’s very strict) how much makeup you have on, and after that, walking with your head down three steps behind him. Yes I’m probably exaggerating a lot but I’m trying to make a point. Control is gained not all at once but rather in small increments.
By giving up your wants and needs to please him, you are allowing him to control and abuse you.
If you agree with him and he gets mad, or you disagree with him and he gets mad, he’s getting mad just to get mad. Perhaps being mad is the only emotion he really understands and that’s why he brings it up so often.
He gets mean and after he is done yelling he says he’s sorry. That’s nice. He’ll say he’s sorry after he hits you too. Trust me. They learn very fast how well sorry works if you let them get away with it. Sadly there is not much you can do.
He TELLS you how much he loves you… he does not SHOW you. Probably because he does not really love you. He does not want to lose you because he knows you will take his abuse and that’s priceless to an abuser. The taking you out to eat and buying you things is just that.. he’s BUYING YOU! Honey, if he gave you cash it would be prostitution. He knows he’s wrong. He knows you will take it and he knows just how to keep you.
HE calls you dumb or stupid. THIS IS ABUSE. IT is verbal abuse. IT is emotional abuse. VERBAL, MENTAL and EMOTIONAL abuse are often tolerated by people because it does not SHOW and we are often not even sure we are being abused. NAME CALLING IS as abusive as HITTING. HE IS ABUSING YOU! Would you want your mom, or little sister or best friend treated this way? Why not? IF not, why are you ok with being treated this way?
He may or may not be “fixable”. If this is how he learned to interact since this is how his parents behave, he will have to relearn what is acceptable for an adult relationship.
My parents yelled a lot and my dad hit me. Children live what they learn and learn what they live. He will need therapy to work this through. You need therapy to learn you do not have to accept an abusive relationship.
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (2 May 2013):
 It certainly sounds like you have reached an impasse in your relationship. While you have only given us a brief glimpse into your situation I sense there is a lot more going on than him just yelling at you.
I suspect that your boyfriend is very insecure with you. Whether his fears are justifiable are questionable. Have you ever given him reason to think you are cheating on him? Are you naturally flirtatous? Do you normally get along with your boyfriend? And why do you think he has suddenly become this way?
Personally, reading between the lines, it sounds like your boyfriend is insecure and is using yelling to express it. When someone's fears are irrational, there is no amount of reasoning that will fix it. The fact that he acts remorseful afterwards means he is wrestling with his own demons. Also, I am very concerned that his yelling could actually escalate to violence towards you or spread to other facets. I have seen many women who come to DearCupid in search of answers because their husbands / boyfriends have become verbally, or worse, physically abusive.
You state that his upbringing has been filled violence and anger. Many times people learn how to treat their loved ones by the way their parents treated one another. In addition, his parents' abuse may have left with him a lot of stifled anger.
Relationships should be about being loved (and loving in return). They should also bring joy to your life. If your love life is filled with fear and being yelled out, you may have to decide if you've had enough -- and nobody would blame you for leaving. You alone cannot "fix" him. I would encourage you to urge him to seek out help -- and I hope you realize what risk you are taking in continuing to be with him. This won't get better on its own and will likely get worse as time goes on.
Eddie
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 May 2013):
 I'm sorry I think the other aunties are right, the yelling is ONLY the beginning.
No one wants to walk on eggshells in a relationship, because it's just not healthy.
Having his parents yell at him and hit doesn't mean he DOESN'T have a choice NOT to yell and NOT to hit someone else. Yelling MIGHT have been the norm for him growing up, but I can't imagine he doesn't KNOW better. For him it's habit and because you stick around he might even assume that yelling at you is OK too and when you stand up for yourself, he bribes you to stay.
That really doesn't bode well for your future relationship with him.
YOU are in charge of how people treat you. By staying with him you are allowing it.
...............................
A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke  +, writes (2 May 2013):
 He needs help, and you will too if you stay in this dangerous relationship.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (2 May 2013):
http://www.abuseandrelationships.org/Content/Behaviors/subtle_control.html
Copy and paste this link and read what it says (it's not too long)
If your boyfriend is doing any of these behaviours then you are in a controlling relationship that will has massive damaging implications on your life, your self esteem and your future relationships.
People who have control issues are dangerous and damaged and they need professional help to overcome their behaviours. Women who stay in abusive relationships where the are yelled at and controlled gradually become conditioned and moulded to accept the abuse, the longer it goes on, the harder it is to escape.
Will he stop yelling and controlling you if yu tell him to...NO HE WON'T...because HE is the one in control and HE calls the shots. The more you resist, the more likely it is that he will resort to physical violence to keep you where he wants you.
Things usually start on a low level and escalate.
It is a well established method that abusers can only tackle their issues when they are separated from the person they are controlling.
You can only make this stop by leaving him...thats a fact.
Read the list and decide for yourself!
...............................
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (2 May 2013):
 This guy is controlling. This isn't about not getting him to yell, because that's his way of controlling you. HE has a say in what person you talk to? Sorry, but unless you're talking about going on a date with other men or ex-boyfriends, he doesn't get to say who you associate with.
That sort of thing does not get better, but only worse, and he's doing it because he is seriously insecure. This is not only a red flag, but a possible danger sign. Ever wonder what makes guys get violent towards their girlfriends? It's an extreme form of this very behavior.
My suggestion is to cut your losses and RUN LIKE HELL. After a year, he isn't going to change, and his parents abusing him may explain why he's passing along the behavior, but it doesn't excuse it. Don't get all wimpy and weak and "Oh I love him", because he's not going to change for you.
Get out while you can.
...............................
|
