A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Would love to hear any advice. I am completely overwhelmed with my situation and don't know where to begin to sort it out. For at least the last 10 years of my 15 years of married life I have been unhappy. I have always found my husband to be slightly awkward at times but over the years this has grown into emotional abuse and cruelty sometimes physical. These incidents go through phases sometimes each day and then a few weeks of 'calm' pass (numbness sets in on my part) and then another burst. I started out an outgoing woman and now I look at myself and just see a shadow of it - I can't be bothered with my appearance, I feel anxious, lack confidence, cannot make good decisions (big or small) and feel apathetic about everything in a word I'm depressed but I refuse to take coventional meds because I've seen the side effects on some of my friends and I'm not having any of that. For at least 5 years I have wanted to change my career. The stress of it (marketing) has not helped my mental state and I have felt unsupported both at home and at work. My husbands job has always dominated our lives and I have lived around his absences,his travel, his needs and demands often putting my life on hold. The loveless 'ice' that has grown between us has meant I have not wanted children and this is now an unspoken bone of contention. Over 2 years ago I moved out - well technically the rent on the house we were renting ended and I had had enough of the instability my husband was subjecting me to (re-location or not, would he stay in his job, would I be in the same house or have to move yet again) that I decided to sort my own house out and I kind of left him. I say kind of because he continued to stay in the Monday to Friday crash pad he was renting near his workplace and I simply found a place to live near my job. I saw him at weekends but always went to his as I did not want my new found space ruined by arguments - it felt like a sanctuary so it was a kind of separation. I was puzzled as to why I did not sever all contact but my dog was pining for him constantly and I am so weak when it comes to animals and I think part of me was deluded that maybe my act of defiance (as he saw it) would jolt him into putting me first for a change. I was wrong. We limped on like that for a year and then I decided I wanted to change my career - or at least start to re-train and I could not wait any longer. I quit my job (no regrets) and so had to give up my house and have no income (regret) whilst I did the course. So.... what did I do? Chose the easier (but not better) path of moving back in with him so I had no financial worries. This situation has lasted 18 months. My course is complete and I have, yet again, been run into the ground living in a house and town I hate with a man with whom emotional cruelty has at times reached horrendous proportions. I am struggling to find work and I realise that I need to continue my studies further. I feel trapped. In addition, in moving to live where I do I have sacrificed support networks and my friends have become distant - judging me for going back to the man I said I could no longer tolerate. Its like I've cried wolf. My parents are pressurising me to keep the studying up because I think they want something they can say to everyone that I'm actually doing with my life. They have been pretty unsupportive to me throughout the whole break up (daughter that has failed embarrassment to friends etc) and I think part of me going back to my husband was to shut them up or get them off my back about it. I don't know what to do now. Continuing to study feels like a trap but is the only way I can change career successfully. I am losing strength to continue living in a loveless marriage and its affecting my physical and mental health in a big way. I resent what I have become but deep inside I know I could be me again just do not know how or where to start - do I ditch further study? I have considered getting away and travelling for a few months just to get some confidence back but know this will be met with back-biting and trouble making by my family and husband. I literally do not know what to do and I'm running on empty each day is an effort to get through and I am making no decisions. Its like I'm sinking.
View related questions:
at work, confidence, depressed, emotionally abusive, limp, moved out, trapped, workplace Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2008): Hello,As I right this I am sat at my computer - 17st 10lb (240lb), I haven't spoken to anyone all day. The man and I call him that loosley is sat in the other room with the phone handset, just to ensure I don't phone a friend.1 year ago I was 300lb and would have been trying to make friendly conversation with him to stop him abusing me. My hair wouldn't be coloured, my clothes would be dirty and I would be praying to get back to work the next day.What has changed? You may ask this. I have.I went to my doctor and told him that I was contemplating suicide - I was. I got a psychotherapist and had CBT. I didn't leave the home, although that would have been preferable. I contacted Women's Aid for support and I now, still one year later am recieving support to help me with the situation. I read a book called Transactional analysis, it helped and manage to steer the perpetrator of psychological, physical, emotional abuse. The best thing is I quit my job, went to college and am now at university.If moving out is not practical for you or you don't seem to be able to make that move due to fininacial reasons there are things you can do. Go to your doctor. You don't have to take meds for your depression - they can not make you. You need to follow a healthy diet and get about 30 mins to yourself a day, if only having a walk to clear your mind. Contact Women's Aid, they WILL give you someone that will be able to talk to you and support you while you make the changes you need to make. They will not judge you for not leaving your home. Please, I know this is a difficult one. KEEP AWAY FROM YOUR FAMILY - they are poison, as much poison as him. I never see my family now and I thank God I don't. I don't miss them and they don't miss me, well apart from not being able to abuse me. I went from one abusive relationship to another, it is what low selfesteem does for you. STOP REPEATING THE CYCLE - UNLEARN YOUR LONG TERM THOUGHTS. THESE ARE LEARNED AND HAVE PROBABLY BEEN INSTILLED IN YOU FROM AN EARLY AGE.You don't have to run from the situation. Get support. I promise you if you get support from your doctor and Womens Aid you will come through this.Please believe me, it does get better. Every situation is different, mine is not the same as yours but the outcome of HAPPINESS is the same.I wish you every sucess, don't let anyone put you down.Yes, you put up with it and gave him permission to abuse you but you did it because it is what you are used to - CHANGE THAT.Every best wish for your future, you can do it.p.s my degree when I get it in two years - well lets just say I will be working with abused women, helping them to overcome abusive relationships and belief in themself.
A
female
reader, nellynelly1305 +, writes (6 September 2008):
 Hi there, I'm very sorry for what i'm about to say to you but it's the truths, the situation your in is only your fault and no one elses, first of all you should never of let your hasband treat you bad and without respect for 10 years. People like him feed of people like you, like a vampire sucking your energy and you confidence. If you still see the shadow of who you were, its not too late then. You are a woman and women are very strong, so stop crying on your self and pull your chin up and be the strong and beautiful woman that you are, it won't be easy but it never is. First of all you have to leave your husband, get him out of your life for good as he's been humiliating and squashing you down to the ground for long enough, so take the hard decision whyle you can. if you cant afford your own place, stay with your family/parents for the time being, despite what they might say, at the end they will understand. If you get him out of your life you should start feeling better (another thing, you depend financialy on your husband, which is a big plus for him, automaticaly makes him feel like he ows you). Think of what you want to do or to get out of your life, definately don't quit your studies, as it will keep you occupied (and gives you a chance to meet new people, as you are starting fresh). If you want to travel, do it, but don't forget one day you are going to have to come back, to come back to something positive. So be strong and start acting here, don't forget your priority is to start fresh without your husband anywhere near you, and don't let him see you feeling down. I know you can do it, so i'm keeping my fingers crossed for you, you desere a better life. Good luck, and I wish you all the best with all my heart.
...............................
A
male
reader, baddogbj  +, writes (6 September 2008):
 On behalf of all dogs I'm touched that you would sacrifice your own happiness in order to meet your dog's emotional needs however I think that you have done enough. You need to get out of this marriage as soon as possible and as completely as possible. I think that your idea of getting away for as long as you can afford is the best thing that you can possibly do. You need time and space to reinvent yourself, get your health back and recharge your soul. Go somewhere where no one knows you or your past and people will believe that you are who you tell them you are. You will go back to England 10 times stronger.If you would like a very specific recommendation then my advice is to pack up a bag an head to Fiji. It is literally the other side of the world, if you're careful you can live for £30 a day (the F$ is about 3 to the Pound), warm climate, beautiful beaches, no pollution, some of the best and kindest people you'll find anywhere. Also, if you're looking to have a few inappropriate relationships then you'll find that Fijian men are fine looking.
...............................
A
female
reader, supermum +, writes (5 September 2008):
 Have you thought about a womans refuge?Friends you could move in with?This sounds like depression, make an appt with your doc and talk everything through. Take a copy of what you have written here if it helps. Feel free to email me as i do know what you are going through, and will help you to get through it
...............................
A
female
reader, starismine1  +, writes (5 September 2008):
 Yes, you sound very much at the stage of feeling hopeless about your life and I can see why. But realize your situation is one that is very common for many women, at many varying degrees and is nothing to feel ashamed about. Reaching out for the help you need can only come when you no longer feel shame about feeling like a failure. You have several things to deal with: financial difficulty, and an emotionally dependency on your family and husband, depression and a sense of helplessness about your life. I believe that the most important steps you can take at this point are 1) get a job that supports you financially so you can afford your own home (even if it means renting an apartment and no longer pursuing any studies) 2) moving out of the living situation with your husband and filing for divorce 3) moving into an environment as removed from your family and husband as possible (that means not living near each other) 4) finding support groups and female friends who can offer you emotional support 5) Getting professional counseling and getting a professional to determine whether you are going through depression and require medical treatment. You are the victim of abuse by your husband and your family. Both are abusing you. In situations such as yours, it is often necessary to minimize communication with family, because they are only adding to your sense of self worth. There are organizations in America for battered and abused women and I hope in Britain as well. These will give you access to many support groups that will give you emotional strength to gain your life back (and the physical strength). Also, you are lucky that your husband leaves you alone when you leave him, because many women in your circumstances are involved with vindictive, sick men who will harm them if they leave. So consider yourself very fortunate. All the strength you need to help yourself is here waiting for you. Believe you can become whole again and live a fulfilling life and the path to make this happen will come to you. My best wishes for happiness.
...............................
|
