A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have reason to believe I am a male in an abusive relationship. I have been with my Fiance for 7 years, we have 2 kids, and she makes me feel completely worthless on a daily basis. In the start she used to make me feel limitless, a companion i could talk to, supportive and someone i couldn't wait to come home to.It was before our first year together she had explained me as selfish to me directly or to others, she at the time was not working and spent most of her time smoking weed with her friends on my expense. Most of her friends then and now hold a low regard for me, for whatever she says about me to others. To this day she hasnt contributed to any cost towards the household, while now with kids she stays at home and does a small business from home, any income she does get is spent on herself. I have been footing the bill for her cigarettes for the entire relationship and i am the worst person on the planet if i happen to forget or if she has to pay once in awhile. She will randomly change small things around the house or ways she expects things done, expecting me to know. Most recently was formula for the baby which she is still silent treating me for. I usually grab 2 bins for the past 6 months when i go out. But suddenly 2 isnt enough and she lost it, called me an uncaring idiot, wont even speak to me for 2 days. And she never apologizes, iv'e tried to confront her about her temper but it iust ends up with me apologizing for being something im not.One thing that hurts the absolute most is when she whispers to my kids about how useless, dumb, selfish, lazy, etc i am, but loud enough to ensure i can hear it. Shes called me a bad father, threatens to leave me and never let me see the kids again on a weekly basis but moreso telling me i need to leave so she doesn't have to "put up with me." Im a heavy sleeper and many times she will beat on me in the middle of the night and ill wake up with sore ribs or bruises. Sometimes i can barely breathe in the morning it hurts so bad.I have tried on multiple occasions to sit down and talk things over, mentioned anger management. Everytime i do she turns it around on me and turns me into the bad guy again. I can't live like this much longer, it's apparent she has no interest in fixing things. I spend all of my time at either work or running errands for her that i never do correct anyways. And when a spot clears up in my day I either cook or find time to get away to the gym. I don't want to lose my kids, but i don't want to be run down my whole life either. I've hoped that maybe she would leave me but she always ends up acting like nothing happened untill the next episide. I'm just unsure of how to deal with this anymore and have nobody to talk to that's either her friend or would take me seriously. Theres so much more i can go on about but thats the jist of things.What do i do? Its been 5 years since i first tried to talk with her so i really don't see confrontation being a solution anymore. Ive already given up on my own hopes and dreams, and only live to see my children grow. Do i risk losing my children that are the world to me and finally split up, or just keep trying to change things?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 December 2014):
 You need to ge custody of the children and a restraining order. She is abusive, and will/already is abusing your children too. For THEIR sake, if not for your own: get sole custody of them. Talk to a lawyer about the situation, and about what sort of documentation you will need to prove the abuse. Make sure she does not find out about it.
Write down the episodes and what was said, from the best you can remember. Write down the dates and all. Take pictures, with time/date on them, when she has been physical. Record it when she speaks low of you to the children (this is child abuse). Document everything you can. Maybe even "trap" her to explode when you have a webcam up to record it all .
You are a victim of domestic abuse. Try to find a help line or a center with people you can talk to about this.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2014): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the support and feedback, im going to start making some type of documentation. Today i am completely retarded and inconsiderate for reasons i can't even explain, but better than some days still.
I live in a very small town so counseling wouldnt go over without her figuring out about it. I cant walk crooked without someone messaging her to tell her about it, i stood too close to a girl waiting at the bank once and heard about it the same day. Ill just document untill i have enough to have proof, i already take my kids out alone when im able to, she has no interest in leaving the house on most occasions so if i don't they dont get out period.
I can't just up and leave otherwise she has all rights to take the kids and not let me see them. No doubt in my mind that when the time comes shes going to do everything she can to hurt me any way possible. At least im heading to work to get 12 hours worry free
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A
female
reader, Abella  +, writes (21 December 2014):
 sadly the link to the FREE site and the FREE .pdf mentioned in the article about confidence for williamwilkie.com now seems to have expired.
The book Bullying from Backyard to Boardroom is still available.
The FREE .pdf was a really good resource. As detailed below. Perhaps the good Dr Wilkie has retired?
The book was called Bullying-From Backyard to Boardroom and one of the editors was Dr William Wilkie
Especially the Biderman’s stages of coercion in Chapter Seven in the above book is really helpful
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A
male
reader, crushed_by_love  +, writes (21 December 2014):
As someone who has endured years of psychological abuse plus the odd bit of physical for good measure, the one word that jumps out at me is 'fiancée' Under no terms marry this woman!!!
.You may choose to stay for the sake of the kids but one day they will be grown up and will understand why and if you leave them.But don't leave it too late to try and find someone who can make you happy AND show you respect.Good luck
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (21 December 2014):
this article may also help you to rebuild your confidence
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/self-confidence---an-easy-step-by.html
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2014): "What do i do?"
First: Stop referring to your shack-up baby mama times two as your "fiancee." There is no wedding on the horizon, and if there was then you'd be an absolute fool to even consider marrying her.
Second: Grow a pair, stand up for yourself and your children, call her bluff, and dump her. You don't have to give up your rights as a father to remove yourself from a toxic environment, and in the meantime you are setting a terrible example for your children by allowing their mother to walk all over you.
You need to consult an attorney ASAP and I would respectfully suggest you seek counseling for you and the children.
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (21 December 2014):
There are partners, male and female, who choose to be so cruel, heartless and abusive to their partner.
Women often use psychological abuse as it leaves no physical evidence but destroys the confidence of their victim.
She is not going to leave you, not while you remain an open wallet for her to plunder every day. She is extremely abusive and she will not stop being so abusive.
If you document this abuse then do so in a password protected word document that she cannot access. if she rants and raves on then put your video on your phone on to record it covertly so that you can show it to a lawyer later.
When you do go to sleep put your phone and your wallet under the mattress you are sleeping on when she is not looking. You are sleeping with a person who does not care about you.
If you can get evidence of her hitting you while still asleep this would help demonstrate how abusive she is. not sure how that could be achieved.
Do NOT threaten her in any way. She has NIL respect for you and will use your own words against you.
It is very unfair, but men often get little empathy and little sympathy from other men when this type of abuse occurs and is inflicted on men.
Right now I suspect that you are feeling broken and unable to deal with this in an assertive way. And in a way that does NOT result in YOU being accused of domestic violence against her. Tread carefully as abusive partners can be very good at claiming that THEY (not you) are the victim.
Such abusive partners have no trouble telling lies and they often lie convincingly.
Your children are young now but eventually they too will see through their abusive mother. Leopards don't change their spots and once she starts to feel threatened by more independence (as the children get older) she will no doubt start trying to control the children with her nasty snide remarks too.
At this stage the best thing you can do for yourself is to try to understand the abuse process that you are being subjected to.
If you know what the process of abuse and how an abuser operates that is the first step to learning how to combat the abuse and better deal with it assertively so that you are believed and she is not believed.
Please Google the following in order to find the best guide to the domestic violence and ways to strengthen you emotionally so that the situation is not all in her favour.
She has done her best to undermine you, told lies to others, subjected you to psychological abuse. That is a terrible burden to endure for an extended period of time.
Google "Bullying from Backyard to Boardroom" +"William Wilkie". Once the site appears you can download the .pdf for that publication above. Once you have downloaded it do then go to chapter 7 and look for Biderman's Chart of Coercion. As you read that chart you will immediately see how you bullying partner started to abuse you and how you reacted. Do STOP reacting in that way. If she ever praises you IGNORE IT. If she starts criticizing you then stand up and tell her that you "don't have time to listen to this tirade" and walk out the room. If she starts to say "sorry, I will never do that again" then do NOT believe her, because she will become abusive again.
She is the one with the problem.
If you can afford to get some counselling to help you to become more assertive them get that counselling.
IF you immediately choose to go to the Police you will probably not have the right evidence and the police may not be as familiar with female inflicted domestic violence.
Instead I would rather see you concentrate on building up your own emotional strength and your assertive skills.
PLUS at the moment she has her friends who would back her and say lies to protect her and you have no corroborating evidence of her abuse.
Whereas if you see a counsellor first and discus the abuse and back that up with evidence of the abuse that a lawyer can see or hear then you will have a better chance of coming out of this in a better state then now and ensure it is more likely that you will still have access to your children.
Find ways to take the children on short excursions without her. Build your relationship with your children and do not criticize her to your children. She is wrong to do what she is doing. Allow your children to see the truth about you by virtue of your own behaviour.
IF you can afford it then do attempt to find a good lawyer who does understand domestic violence and investigate the best ways to ensure that you will continue to have access to your children if you do split up. But expect her to vindictively play very dirty in any court case.
All the more reason to concentrate on becoming more assertive and confident in yourself.
I do not see this relationship lasting as she is just so toxic and abusive and cruel. If you have evidence of that toxic abusive behaviour it will count against her when it comes to access to your children.
Hope it all works out. Abuse starts slowly and if continued for some years it is terrible for the victim.
But you can survive this abuse. the best scenario might even mean that you get custody of the children, not her - but knowing how the courts are it is more likely that she will become their primary carer since they are still young.
Thus I would rather see you become more assertive and learn the skills to stand up to her more confidently.
DO keep reminding yourself that SHE is the one with the problem, she is the ABUSER.
DO document how much money goes to her now and how she contributes very little.
Be aware of your financial position and put some funds aside each week for you for the future in an account that she cannot access.
Familiarise yourself with what she is making in her own venture.
She is using you and abusing you.
You can learn to better deal with this.
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (21 December 2014):
 File a police report, next get an attorney,next make sure your lawyer can get you custody finally get the divorce.
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A
female
reader, suzzzque232 +, writes (21 December 2014):
 i dont think she will ever change...imo your only alternative is to leave and fight for physical custody. it really doesnt sound like your fiance will be a great role model once you leave. if you do stay i foresee her teaching the kids to disrespect you...kids learn by example!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2014): You need to document all of this and initiate a separation. Consult a lawyer to see what your rights are with regards to your children. This has gone way beyond the point of anger management. Your wife is abusive and she may cause you serious harm if you don't get out of this situation. She is abusing your children also by telling them lies about you.
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