A
female
age
41-50,
*itKatsAndInsomnia
writes:my bf and I have been dating for 3 years. Lately I'd rather watch tv than have sex. He's the one who says he wants to do it, but he expects me to instigate it since he pays the rent. I want music in the background and he could care less. How do I get him to be passionate and romantic? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (4 January 2011):
 Hi Kit's,
I hope things are getting better in the relationship for you.
FA
A
female
reader, KitKatsAndInsomnia +, writes (4 January 2011):
KitKatsAndInsomnia is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (16 November 2010):
Hello again Kits,
Thanks for following up. Now we have more information to work with.
The honey moon is over. To tell the truth you are both a bit bored with the sex at this point. His sex drive is down to hormones and habit, and yours is gone. Frustration in this arena is breaking down your intimacy. The loss of intimacy is causing communication problems, as trust is fading. The cascade effect could wipe out the relationship.
He can see this and is trying to fix it. Unfortunately, because of his inexperience he is being a bit ham handed. He thinks that you are annoyed at his demands for sex. So he offers you the drivers seat so you can decide how much. He asks for as quickie to give you an easy out. Then he just goes to bed because he doesn't want to upset you.
What he is not understanding is that you don't want "less" sex, you want "different" sex. It is not all his fault that he doesn't understand this. You are sending a lot of conflicting messages. You want more passion but you turn on the TV when he is at home. When he proposes sex, and it isn't exactly what you had in mind, you give him a frown. What you should be doing is getting the message to him that you want more.
If when he asked for a "quickie" you should have said "No way! that is not near enough for me" I guarantee he would not have gone to bed early. You should have turned off the TV and handed him the massage oil. That is the right message. That says, I want you to touch me and focus on me, and then I am going to make you happy.
A bit more about "getting the engine going". Modern technology has led us to the idea that we can get everything to work at the touch of a button. We are more like an old fashioned wood burning cook stove. If you want a meal you are going to have to get the fire lit an hour early, or better yet keep some coals banked in there all day long. That way when the opportunity comes along for a meal you can stoke it up quickly and get to cooking.
You have to think about it before the fact. You have to plan. Find something that works for you. Set a reminder in your phone to say "Sex tonight" every 2 hours. Now it would be even better if he were to send you texts to that effect, but for now I want you to have some ownership of this problem. You can send him reminders. Notes in his lunch, etc. etc..
If you want him to be passionate with you, you need to be intimate with him. And, by intimate, I don't mean sex. I mean, sharing confidences, touching frequently, and so on. There are 2 things you can do today and this week to make a big difference in your relationship.
1 Put the TV in storage.
2 Shower together.
3 Make a date for sex.
I know I said 2, the third was an after thought. Your relationship is on the ropes it is time to act now.
FA
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A
female
reader, KitKatsAndInsomnia +, writes (16 November 2010):
KitKatsAndInsomnia is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice. Yea I'm sure he just wants to feel like he's not doin all the work, but I think sex should be separate. I work too and pay he utilities, do the laundry, dishes and cook. Sex should be both of us. I think after a while there's like a wall for emotions and communication and just watching tv is easier. I would like things to spice up. Maybe it's a body image thing too. I don't want him to just want sex in general. I want to feel special and like he wants to touch and caress me. Like tonight he wanted a "quickie". That's not even enough time to...um..get the engine going. He didn't even really try to start anything. He just went to bed. Why does he always say he wants sex and then doesn't follow through?
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A
female
reader, Maria-consuela  +, writes (14 November 2010):
 I can understand why his determinance of your responsibility in the bedroom via his payment for rent is the furthest thing from sexy.
It is hard when a relationship gets into a deadlock because both parties seem to be frustrated and unwilling to comprimise but want change.
That being said, if you want to be the one that makes an effort and moves the relationship forward by initiating in the bedroom you need to find a way to become more sexually interested in him.
The suggestions by FatherlyAdvice are great, and can give you a few good ideas when it comes to revving up your system a little bit. What makes you feel sexy.. What do you think would make the difference for you.. Is there a fantasy or character youd like to play.. Or maybe a story youd like to act out..
Find a way to take your sex life in your hands so that It becomes pleasurable again for you, because often with sex turning into negotiations it is hard to be aroused or stimulated.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (14 November 2010):
Kits,
His payment off the rent has nothing to do with sexual responsibilities. But, if you are comfortable with the assignment, there is no reason you can't do the initiating. I personally think it works out better if you share the duty.
The first thing is to plan, or schedule, a time. This will help your mood, because you can think about it all day. Next is to think about it all day. Guys do this naturally, which is why they seem to want it so much. One way to keep your mind focused on it is to wear sexy underwear. If you are wearing a thong all day it will be a constant reminder of your plans. If you insist on comfort, at least you will be reminded every time you use the toilet.
Plan the sex it's self out. At least the foreplay. Don't do the same thing every time. Do things you already like most of the time. Add things you might be interested in trying every now and again. Don't forget to give him teasers along the way so he knows what is coming.
Mostly he is annoyed at being in the drivers seat all the time and he wants you to show more interest in him. If you end up doing this every time (and I don't think you will) you will understand exactly how he feels. At that point you can renegotiate for more shared responsibility. In the long term this will help the relationship, increase your sex drive, and give you a chance to express your creativity.
FA
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