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male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: I'm a forty year old man who is fed up with his marriage. I've only ever had sex with my wife as she was my first girlfriend and I have never cheated on her in the 20 years we have been together.There have been 2 occasions at least where she has tried to have an afair but I have found out and stopped her. She is always going out with her male friends but as soon as I get talking to a female friend she'll drag me away.I'm so fed up with our marriage but haven't got the guts to leave her. I'm now thinking of having an affair myself for 2 reasons. 1 to see what it is like with someone else. 2 so she can throw me out for a reason.What should I do?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2009): I think you're fed up with her behavior, and to the point you don't care. You've been hurt with her flirty ways, and don't want to deal with this anymore. She doesn't see how deeply she hurt you. All you have to say is, I'm not sure we should be married, and she will 'wake up'. It's time she gets a clue to grow up. You shouldn't feel like you have to be her 'watchdog'. She's a grown woman, not a child. Marriage is about trust. If she doesn't seriously see how this hurts you, I say, let her flirt with the next guy. It's Her decision to be faithful to you, or end the marriage with an affair.
A
male
reader, Tomas  +, writes (6 March 2009):
Whether five years from now you are in the relationship with your wife, or with someone else, you'll be happier for being true to your principles.
If you fix things with your wife, both of you will give you points for not doing something intentionally hurtful.
If you leave your marriage, and are with someone else, you will be a better catch for being someone who didn't cheat.
On the other hand, if you don't learn how to stand up for yourself in a relationship, to ask for what you want and what you need while listening reasonably to your partner, then there is a good chance that you will end up in the same situation with someone else.
Your task now is to practice how to determine what you want, what you need, and what you cannot continue. Then you practice asking for them. Not accusing someone, saying what they always do, but explaining what you need, what you can give, what you can't. Then you practice listening to the answer, and negotiating with a spirit of trying to make things work.
If you are lucky, things work. If you are unlucky, one of you fails to listen, or is unwilling to work on the relationship. If therapy fails or is unacceptable, you practice breaking up fairly, letting one another go with dignity.
My hunch is, if you do these things well, it won't get that far. Seeing someone stand up for themselves, ask for things but do so with kindness and understanding, changes the way we view them. We get how hard it is, and we respect the person for telling us what we need (even if we do not like it). For not taking the lazy way out.
If on the other hand you do these things badly, you may well break up, but you will do so with your self-esteem intact, with a better understanding of what you need to learn to do better, to make a relationship work.
In any event, ix-nay on the affair. Nothing good comes of that, that wouldn't come better through honest self-examination and communication.
Be better than the lazy person's way out.
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A
female
reader, asian tealeaf  +, writes (6 March 2009):
 hmmm, sounds like shes playing some type of game. and does not sound like fun to me. she can play round with other guys but wont let u? i think u need to sit down with her and ask her just what are her motives in doing these things, why is she trying to have an affair, but when she sees u flirting she tries to drag u away from the other women? are u her first as well? sounds like shes a little bored herself and feels she wants to play a game of cat and mouse. she sounds to be almost teasing u... if ur both not happy, u better address the issues, and either facethem head on, get some help or, split ways. and i strongly agree, that u should not degrade urself by cheating on her. u dont ever want to have that be on ur conscience. because no matter what, u can never undo it, and secondly, if u dont cheat, and u split, u can have bragging rights. hey ladies, heres a man whos never cheated in his life on his wife. and even after undergoing extreme grief and displeasure, u hung on to morale and the principle of being faithful. and with this u can find urself a better ideal mate. i know id be attracted to a man whos never cheated on anyone. in fact, im with a man whos so faithful, its almost scary. he wont even go to the stripbars with his friends just because he feels its not right when u have everything u need at home. i hope u will find happiness sir.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2009): I say don't degrade yourself by having an affair. If you want a reason to leave, leave on your own terms and not on some crappy reason.
Just realize what is holding you back when you say you don't have the guts to leave her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2009): Don't do either. If you are having problems in your marriage then I think you need to earn your way out by trying everything you can to improve it first.
It is never the answer to turn away from your partner for any reason....even being frustrated....instead try sitting down and telling her how you feel, be specific about the changes in her behavior that would help you and your relationship.
Really listen to her as if you were hearing something you wanted to hear....you may not....she may have some frustrations of her own, so listen and ask questions to clarify what she is saying to you. Try not to attack her as a person or defend yourself...just listen first, then digest what you have heard, go off to think and see if you can find some answers, some solutions to your marital problems.
You also may want to suggest marital counseling as a step to improve your relationship, identify negative relationship patterns that have developed over the years and to become aware of the things you are doing that are damaging instead of bringing you closer with your spouse.
All of this takes time, but instead of throwing the baby out with the bathwater...(if you cheat or leave your marriage out of frustration, you will take your issues with you into your future relationships anyway, not learning or changing or making better choices) choose instead to make your relationship better, more solid, more intimate and healthier with better communication and a deeper uderstanding of each other....
This is how you earn your way out....if you can't be happy after all of this, then you earn the right to walk away.
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