A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I'm a 40 yr old female in love with a 20 yr old. I struggle with our age difference and it doesn't bother him at all. He wants to marry me and loves my kids as his own. I've discussed with him that someday he would like to have his own children and I can no longer have kids. He assures me that he does not want to have any and that my children would be enough for him. We have such great chemistry...we click so well! I don't know what to do! My heart says yes, but my mind says I'm crazy! Am I crazy for concidering saying yes? Any advice is appreciated. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2011): The mind is more sensible than the heart, so i would pay attention to what your mind is saying. It isn't saying don't be with him. It is just saying don't marry him yet. Marriage is for keeps and that's a lot to expect from any 20 year old, not least one who would be marrying someone 20 years older than himself. One who cant give him his own children. That is not an issue now but could well become one, because what he wants now might not going to be what he wants in say ten years time when he is a full grown man. It is in mans nature just as much as woman's to have children and pass on their genes. It is a biological urge and just because he doesn't feel like that now it doesn't mean he never will. You have to understand that and not take too much notice of what he is saying. How many times have your children said things and you have sat there thinking, Hmmm, wait and see when you are older! Well, it is no different for him. Wait and see when he is older.I'm in an age gap relationship with a guy 15 year younger. We have been together 5 years and he would like to marry. He already has 4 children from a previous marriage, so family is not an issue. But i prefer things as they are. We are together because we want to be and not because we are married. Without the legal contract of marriage, should things start fading for us, leaving will be so much easier. Making it easier for him or me to leave if ever we feel the need has taken away any feelings of being trapped or HAVING to stay together because of a contract. I think you should certainly be with him for now, if he is making you happy but maybe an engagement is the way to go. It might give him the sense of security he seems to need and you would have time to test his resolve before reaching your final decision.
A
female
reader, AnonymousTeenGirl  +, writes (24 May 2011):
It's fine. I guess. My mom is 45 and loves younger men. It's your life, you do what you want and if you love him so much so be it. He may be the man of your dreams for all I know.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2011): Something men his age and women your age have in common is you are both in your sexual prime and neither of you is interested in having children. Your experience and his youth make you both more confident and assertive about getting your wants and needs met. Which is why this relationship feels so wonderful. As the others have said, enjoy it while it lasts, but don't put much stock in what he says. He's a young man who is caught up in the moment. He doesn't really know what it's like to be responsible for anyone but himself. He hasn't had to work to provide for your kids, or clean up after them or do without so they can have.If it grows into something more serious and everyone is happy, great. If not, you'll have some fond memories to look back on. Personally I don't understand why any woman would want to remarry. Being our age and single is something to be cherished.
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female
reader, Missy00 +, writes (24 May 2011):
 If you love him then I say do it. Age shouldn't matter if your both in love. But if you are having doubts on this then maybe you need to consider not moving forward with the relationship.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (24 May 2011):
 I would proceed cautiously on this one. I am glad that you click on this. There are many successful big-difference age group relationships that have weathered the storms.
However, I do caution you.
At 20 years old, he is still maturing. He is still figuring out what he wants out of life and what his ambitions are. I think you need to ask yourself how settled he truly is. Can he support you? Does he know what he wants to do in life? Can he handle the potential of you losing interest in sex when he'll be reaching his prime (let's face it, a woman's sex drive declines fairly rapidly around menopause-time). These are all big issues that can be dealt with, but if you have the added pressure of marriage on top of it, you might be cruising for another failed relationship.
Either way, enjoy the time you have together. Like any other marital union, there are plenty of risks involved, but this one, more so. You don't mention how long you've been dating, but I'd give this one a significant amount of time so that you can determine if this young man has the maturity and integrity of a "real" man worthy of the risk.
Best wishes.
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A
male
reader, Philips  +, writes (23 May 2011):
 People sometimes want something, but when they actually get it they realise they didn't want it so much. Every person runs this risk in a relationship but maybe it is a little more risky in your situation.
Maybe your boyfriend doesn't realise how the relationship will evolve and is thinking for only the present time. Maybe he doesn't realise that you will be getting older faster than him. Moreoever young guys can sometimes be immature, maybe you should try to consider if you can live with that.
However, no-one has seen the future. So why not take a chance. You have an opportunity to get soooo passionate, why lose it. The worse that could happen would be a break-up. But you be so happy before that.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2011): even though some one will say that it will work and age does not matter etc etcetc.. but practical truth is that it will not work. it is infatuation. he is at age like your son.. just leave him alone and lead his life simply. do not generate enough pains and complexities in ur and his life..
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female
reader, Glitters143 +, writes (23 May 2011):
 I have only dated men who were a lot older than me since I was 17 yesars old..when I was 19 I dated someone who was 30, that was very very fun!!!...but then we both moved on...then when I was 21 I dated somone who was 31...At 22 I dated a 40 year old. He was like a dream!!!! Because he was older he was very established...he knew how to treat a women and bring them out for a good time. I could have 100 percent fallin inlove with him and stayed with him, but the timing was bad...I was still getting over my ex. anyway sorry to babble on with my life story...I just feel that if you really love him and you plan on being true to this guy then age doesnt matter, but if you have doubts and arent sure then dont bother. At 20 years old he is very fragile and whatever you do to him could impact his life for a long long long time. Just make sure you really want this and if you both do...then go for it!!! age aint nothing but a number.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (23 May 2011):
 I'd just advise you to enjoy it while it lasts. Don't count on it going on forever, chances are it won't.
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female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (23 May 2011):
Well, having been on the other end of the situation (I was barely 20 years old when I fell in love with a 40 year old man) I can understand how this got to be.
But try to remember yourself at his age. What were you like? Have you grown a lot as a person from that age onwards? He will experience similar progress and that's when dents will start to form in the relationship. Let's face it, when you were his age, he was a baby.
He might not be bothered by the age difference, like I wasn't, but he hasn't thought it over thoroughly. When he's gotten settled into life, got a career for himself, you are inching towards retirement. At 20, he doesn't know what he wants. Not really.
I could say with confidence I didn't want kids of my own at that age. Now, 3 years later, the idea doesn't seem so undesirable anymore. Who knows how I'll feel when I'm nearing 30. I might actually want them by then.
My crush on the man your age never took off because he was married-with kids and I just couldn't do that to him. But if he were available I probably would have tried. I would hope he'd be sensible enough to tell me no.
I guess you can try, but the odds are against you. So if you do, make sure you know full well what you're getting yourself into and what to expect.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (23 May 2011):
 my thoughts: go for it.
I'm in an age gap I'm 51 my bf is just about 38... not as big a gap as you but still a gap...
if it was reversed and you were 20 and he was 40 folks would not say anything...
if you love him and he loves you GO FOR IT!
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