A
female
 ,
*up
writes:Hi guys and gals, please help me! i've been dating my boyfriend for about 9 months. I'm 31 and still a virgin he's 28 and slept with 27 girls. 3 of them long term, and has an 8 year old from his first serious relationship. He knows i've never had sex and doesn't pressure me, and believe me i've tried, even with lubrication but i didn't like the feel of lubrication anyway it doesn't go in. I just freeze, i'm terrified i'm also so conscious about it, i hate being a virgin, missing out on sex. I feel inadequate to him which i ask him why he stays with me and he says because he loves me. I've noticed recently when we're cuddlilng or kissing he often asks in a jokey way 'lets make love' however i wish he'd not word it as "stick it up' ect I must be a frigid or something?! i know he'll never pressure me but i'm depriving him, and i'm worried constantly about never losing it and the fact that i'll never have kids which is something i'd like in the future, please help?? doctors aren't an option i would never dare to tell this embarrassing problem to them.
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female
reader, lola manola +, writes (4 February 2007):
 doctors are professionals they deal with sex everyday, no one is going to laugh at you! everyone builds up sex and the longer you wait the more terrifying. its nothing to worry about. i doubt it would be painful for you and if ure worried about being crap, remember practise makes perfect! i agree with the first person, have a couple of glasses of wine to take the edge off it, but dont get plasterd, u want to remember it at least! go for it, this sounds harsh but the sooner u get it out the way the better! xxxx
A
female
reader, dragonette  +, writes (23 January 2007):
 Having sex should be an enjoyable thing, and not a task. I'm happy that you found someone that you want to be with, and I think he's a really great guy for understanding you.
And also, I just want to stress that there's nothing wrong with being a virgin, even if you're 31. It's okay. Everybody should take as much time as they need before they get to a point in life where they want to have a sexual relationship.
So about your problem; did you try playing with yourself? If you know how your body works and reacts, you will feel more secure when you're together with him, and that will stop you from "freezing up".
I know that before I did "it" the first time with a guy, I went on my own little adventure with a sex toy, just so I would know what it would feel like to have something in me. So when I got together with a guy a couple of months later, I wasn't very nervous that it might hurt or anything.
Lastly, the problem might be that you have a thick hymen and that is the reason for him not being able to "get in". This is something that needs to be tended to by a doctor (as far as I know) and it's nothing to be ashamed of.
I wish you the best of luck.
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A
male
reader, childof1981  +, writes (23 January 2007):
 The following will be a few caustic solutions to your dilemma, read on at your own peril. I overcome fear with two methods and they are not exactly elegant but they get the job done.
The first is Alcohol, if your mind is getting in the way there is no more surefire method to remove it. Just tell him you want to have sex, drink for a bit, and go for it.
The second is Money, I give a close friend a few hundred bucks and a deadline. If I have not completed the task I am afraid to do within the deadline my friend keeps the money.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2007): Hey
I do not know why you wanted to stay a virgin for so long,maybe it was important for you to keep it for your husband, or maybe for religious reason, or simply because the occasion never came up, but I think it is normal for you to be scared but you should not be.
Sex is a wonderfull think when done with the right partner, and your partner seems to be a good patient one.
Maybe the ambiance when you tried to do it wasn't very good, or that your bf was too agressif but there is no reason for his peker not to go in, trust me even without lubricant the whole is large enough!
I think what bothers you is that you are scared you will not measure up to all the other girls. You know what though, he knows that and it's normal, but you can gain sexual experience really fast. If you communicate well, you'll know what he wants and it will be the same for you. Even if he slept with 100 girls, it is not automatic that he will satisfy you at first, everybody likes different things. There is some adjustments to be made for each partner.
Just to let you know my bf was a virgin when i met him, and i had slept with 5 guys before. At first sex was diffucult because he felt inferior, but as soon as he let that feeling go, sex became awsome and he became the best partner i ever had.
However, before you do it, make sure you love him enough to loose it to him, you waited long enough, why waist it on someone you don't appreciate.
good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2007): have you tried alternatives to sex, like oral. maybe just tell him to take control and go for it and enjoy the ride. tell him to follow the passion, but at the same time go slow because u r a virgin. if all else fails... maybe just drink a lot of alcohol and go for it. May not seem like good advice, and I am not promoting drunk sex for most people, but since you are in a real relationship, and it sounds like you need to loosen up, getting really drunk may be the way to get the edge off.
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