A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok, here goes... I'm nervous about posting this but the bottom line is I'm lonely. I live in a big city and whilst I know people, I would consider the vast majority acquaintances. I moved away from my home town years ago as most of my childhood friends had done the same and as a result, we are all scattered across the country. We keep in touch via text messaging and the odd message on Facebook but if I'm honest, I'm lucky if we meet more than once a year. Apart from living in other parts of the country, they're married (or in long-term relationships) and have kids/are pregnant, as are my younger sisters. I, as you may have guessed, am neither in a relationship nor do I have kids. I work long hours and to be honest, am exhausted by the time I get home. Most evenings I just want to eat, shower and go to bed. I catch up occasionally with friends who live near me but again, it's not a regular thing due to a) my job b) they are busy with kids/relationships. The last thing I want to do is wallow in self-pity. I know I am lucky - I have a well-paid job, a roof over my head, food in the cupboard, family and good health. I try to stay positive, accept the few social invitations that come my way and try to organise catch ups with my friends although for reasons mentioned above, this doesn't seem to happen that often. I go out by myself and have even been away by myself - it's better to do that than stay in moping, but I'm getting to a point where I'm fed up of doing almost everything by myself.I must also say that I have never had a relationship. I was extremely shy growing up and overweight and as a result, didn't have much self-esteem. Going away to university helped a little bit in that I came out of my shell and grew in confidence. I joined weight watchers and slimmed down, losing over three stone. Over the years, the weight has gone on and come off - at the moment, I've lost a stone and a half in recent months and feel more comfortable in my own skin. People have said that I am pretty and I try to make the most out of my appearance - wear make up, look after my skin etc. The problem is sometimes I feel like I'm still big even though I know I'm not as the scales say am not and I'm wearing clothes 3 sizes smaller than what I used to wear. Anyway, I think maybe on some level being shy, overweight and having low self-esteem has held me back and combined with working long hours, I'm in the position I am now. I would like nothing more than to have a group of friends I could hang out with and talk to - in some respects, I want that more than having a boyfriend although obviously I'd love to be in a relationship. I've thought about on-line dating but to be honest it scares me and freaks me out. I've spent all this time on my own and do not know how to be in a relationship. The thought of telling someone that I've never had a boyfriend at 30 scares and worries me - it's not exactly normal to be in this situation and most blokes would probably run a mile. As I said before I don't want to come across as wallowing in self-pity or desperate and I am grateful for many things in my life. I never spoken to anyone about this and friends, family and colleagues would probably not believe it as I'm good at putting an act on and pretending everything is fine. I just needed to get this all off my chest and see if there is anyone in a similar position who is going or has been through the same.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 March 2012): Hi there,
I just wanted to send you big hug - not pitying you of course. My situation is very similar to yours.
Wishing you the best.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 March 2012): I'm totally in the same situation. I understand you like a twin sister. And I know why I'm alone although I don't like it. And I'm 30 too. Now I try to do more catch ups and go to different entertaining places, try to get acquainted with strangers, just fo fun and get self-confidence that I'm a woman and interesting to men. That you've come to the point you're alone and don't want it to last you're prepared to changing your life. I wish you good luck and be confident, you're not alone in the world. Many girls of 30 in big city suffer from this situation.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (18 March 2012):
Maverick gives a wonderful answer, I'd suggest reading that very carefully. As she implies, it is very connected to your work-life balance and your unbalanced attention (and lack of attention) you pay to your own needs.
It's certainly not your fault, you have described what is 'the modern western condition' for so many people.
I work a lot and became aware in my early thirties that this was not making me happy. I read something that really struck a chord with me about why this was. It's written by the Dalai Lama. He travels a lot, and had observed that people in affluent western countries seemed less happy and more isolated than the generally happier but much poorer people he met in Asia. This is his explanation:
"Formerly farmers would call in all their family members to help with the harvest, today they simply telephone a contractor... It is possible today to be far more independent of others than ever before.
But with these developments, there has arisen a sense that my future is not dependent on my neighbour but rather on my job or, at most, my employer. This is turn encourages us to suppose that because others are not important for my happiness, their happiness is not important to me.
We have, in my view, created a society in which people find it harder and harder to show one another basic affection.
In place of the sense of community and belonging, which we find such a reassuring feature of less wealthy (and generally rural) societies, we find a high degree of loneliness and alienation. Despite the fact that millions live in close proximity to one another, it seems that many people, especially among the old, have no one to talk to but their pets."
He is saying that we have replaced our community with our jobs as our source of 'support'. But unlike our communities, our jobs only provide physical (financial) support, and not emotional support. It's a bad trade in other words.
Money doesn't make us happy. We need friends and a community around us. Maverick gives some great examples of how to find communities to become part of. For myself I did similar things: although I did not change my job. Rather I just became more open about acknowledging my emotional needs and more open with people I met. This led to deeper friendships and more intimacy and honesty with the people in my life.
All of us have this need to belong and give and receive emotional support: when you are able to discuss this with 'acquaintances' that you feel comfortable with you can find some will turn into supportive friends. This in turn will make you happier and make finding a relationship come naturally.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 March 2012): If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you always gotten... (wise words)
You need to change some things, little changes, socialise with work colleagues, (how about you organise a night out/meal for people you work with?), or look for a job thats less hours, but balance the pay/get a job nearer to home so you are home quicker.
I'm 39, I am single by choice, I love my me time (and yeah most of my friends are sprogged up/married too) Really appreciate being on your own, get to know what you like, your interests.
Take up a new hobby/volunteer for something that interests YOU, get yourself a new haircut, go shopping (to one of the high street stores that give you a personal shopper, dress for your figure, nothing makes you feel more confident that having a nice hairstyle/clothes that flatter you and make you feel good.
Good that you appreciate what you already have, just make some time/room for other things.
What about a speed dating event? Less 'formal' than on-line dating and probably more fun.
You are still young and have your life ahead of you, some coupled up people probably really envy you! Focus on you and your interests/happiness and the rest will follow...
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A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (17 March 2012):
This could have been written by me 5 years ago. I was in the same situation. Low self esteem, living in London, a city big enough to make you anonymous, long work hours. This combo makes it very easy to become lonely and stay that way, especially if you're not a social butterfly by nature. I got miserable very quickly in that environment.
Here's what I did and hope it'll help you:
I started out with identifying the things I could change in the immediate future and things I could not.
- For me, the job was the main problem. I was working 18 hours a day, with few breaks. I was usually off at 11pm which left little time to socialize. Like you, I usually showered and just went straight to bed. So on the few days I was off I got up early, so I could make most of the time I had. I started job hunting.
- I also started looking into the possibility of moving elsewhere, to places that weren't filled up with tourists. That didn't pan out well, as those with favorable rent fees didn't have suitable jobs available or were too far away from London to have me travelling back and forth. Still, it's worth looking into. A smaller town can offer you that familiarity and comfort lacking in big urban cities.
- I finally found a job with favorable work ours, just a 20 minute bike ride away. I applied and got accepted. This job only required 8 hours a day, and what was even better was that I was working the morning shift, which meant I was usually off before 4pm. That left me with a bit of afternoon and the entire evening. It paid less than the previous job, which meant I had less to indulge in luxuries, but that was a small sacrifice to make for all that extra time.
- Once you get that extra time, take up hobbies. The big advantage of living in a big city is that you can basically practice everything you'd ever want to try there. Find out what you like. My current hobbies are martial arts, archery and dance. I also do some freerunning/parkour on the side.
All these hobbies get me into contact with different people. But we all have our hobby in common, which is always a good starting point for lasting contact. I met my first real boyfriend at martial arts training. I got some real friends in dance class. etc. Also, because you keep busy with doing the things you love, you start feeling better, which shows and therefore attracts more people to you.
If you can't switch jobs in this tough economical situation, try to compromise. Whenever I needed more time off, I would sometimes work 10 days in a row so I could get 4 days off in a row. In those 4 days I could do what I wanted to do, though it wasn't consistent off time. Talk to your superiors, tell them the late hours are wearing you out. Maybe you can switch shifts with someone.
Also, really make an effort to go to social gatherings in your day off. Go to a play, watch a movie, visit a pub, compliment the person sitting next to you on their outfit and try and start a conversation from there. I liked visiting book stores and often spent quite some time there reading. I would chat up the employees and sometimes other costumers. Often it doesn't lead to anything, but sometimes, it does. I know it's hard to do when you're shy --I sure was-- but you'll get more confident along the way.
Take tiny steps, but acknowledge them, so you remind yourself you're making progress. As for the virginity issue, some may indeed be scared off, but there are enough decent men in the world who aren't. It all depends on your own stance. Don't be overly insecure about it and don't see it as a failure on your part. You can just tell the men you just didn't have the time to properly invest in a relationship and therefore sex, and that you're not one for one-night stands. That's what I said to my bf when he asked why I was still a virgin. He was honored to be my first.
Sorry for the essay, but I hope this helps.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (17 March 2012):
 It sounds like you need to change the direction in which your life is heading.
You appear very successful and that you have a lot of what people want out of life and you are grateful for it. There's a lot to be said about having a roof over your head and money in the bank. It sounds like you are waiting, however, to share your life with someone else.
I am not sure how much you are truly working, but I am sure you do have some time on the weekends to at least get out and socialize. What are you passionate about? Do you have any hobbies? Do you go to a gym? These are all things that you can use to socialize with other people. If you constantly hole up in your home, day after day, your chances of meeting someone is slim. If you find yourself hobby-less, then start exploring.
At some point, you are also going to have to ask yourself if you are sacrificing your true life for the one you are experiencing at work. It could be that you've been subconsciously avoiding deep relationships by becoming a workaholic and by using food. You may find it useful to talk to a therapist to see what the potential reasons are.
Ultimately, you have a choice. Do you want to live your life the fullest by sharing it with other people or do you want to continue down the lonely road that you are on? I think you've just started to ask yourself that question and the answer frightens you. It'll take some courage, but the only way to truly experience life and happiness (and sadness) is to take that first step.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, natasia +, writes (17 March 2012):
 I think that you have become the kind of person who doesn't jump into things, to such an extent that you are now, as you realise, missing out.
First thing: you don't have to tell anyone you haven't been in a relationship. You really don't. People generally don't tell everything about themselves to a new partner for quite some time, if ever. So you don't need to be specific. OK, yes, you never met the right guy and it just hasn't happened, but you wouldn't want to start off a relationship by off=loading all the info you've put in here, I think.
So don't worry about that for now.
Your main issue is exposure - and by that, I mean actually meeting some people. AND, it is your self-confidence, and the signals you are giving out. I bet you there are women who within 5 mins of working in your workplace would already have a date. That is not because they are prettier or thinner than you, but because they are giving out the 'open to propositions' signals.
To be totally honest ... I think you actually could do with some help, because I think you've left it to chance so long, and it has got you nowhere. You've tried that. So now try something different.
I don't think you should force yourself to go online, if you don't like the idea, although browsing is of course totally anonymous, and you could at least do that. But you might benefit from one of these modern day matchmaking services, where they also advise you on relationships, and help you through the process. It costs, but I think maybe worth a try.
I'm sure you are pretty, and have a nice figure, and you certainly sound like a really nice, and intelligent, person. Someone needs to hear your voice. I'm sure they will.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2012): heyyy i think i can totally understand what your going thru,cuz i am in a similar situation as well,i dont why i am gloomy and i feel something is missing and i'm terrribly sad at times..nothing excites me anymore,its ur daily routine and thats it!i'v had a couple of guys approach and ask me outr,but none who cld steal my heart away!noone swept me off my feet and i'm a hopeless romantic lol so i'm hoping someday i find my prince charming and u seem like an independent young women thriving 30,havent u herd 30 is the new 16 now lol,sooo relaxx ur still young and u have plenty of time,do u beleive in destiny???i dooo so i'm gona be patient and wait
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A
female
reader, VioletSparkle +, writes (17 March 2012):
oh my, much of what you write, I could have written it, especially the shyness, and feeling 'big' after the weight is off. The only thing I feel like saying is quote the classic 'a good job doesn't love you back and asking you if you considered to readjust your priorities in life so that friendship and love (or the opportunities for them) come first? That is what I did, at least, I am not sure if that is working out fine because it's too soon, but at least I am always in a much better mood because I feel I know what I want. Hope your shyness is better :) still, you are right, a combination of factors like those you describe can hold even the best person back for years. Wish you the best!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2012): I was just recently thinking about it, how hard it is for me not having anybody to talk to about my situation. I'm 27 and I've also never had a relationship, not even close. There is not one person in the world I can tell how I feel. It is like my dark secret and I live in fear that people will ask me about it. Then I can either tell the truth, which I'd rather not do because it is so embarrassing, or I can lie, and I don't want to do that either. It is quite a tricky situation.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2012): Hi. Do not worry, many 30whatever girls are alone. And boys too. For example me :). Usually with the same story, good perspectives, good job, good family and friends, just living far or working abroad and all is nice, but.....always being alone. But the new trend is getting married above 40, so just think positively. :)
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