A
male
age
36-40,
*aturn
writes:What I'm about to share with you may seem to be an absurd and juvenile concern that is unworthy of your attention and time, but nevertheless, it's important for me to discuss it with those who might be in a position to empathise with me and offer advice that may be helpful. This is a problem that has been pressing heavily on my mind for the at few years and I've even spent sleepless nights agonizing over it. I just turned 22 about a week ago and I'm still fretting over the fact that I'm a virgin. Unlike many of my peers, I've always been intimidated by the idea of approaching members of the opposite sex. I've always been a painfully self-conscious person and consequently still continue to be afflicted by feelings of inadequacy where my ability to interact with women in a meaningful way is concerned. Needless to say, I've never even been on a date, let alone had the opportunity to be intimate with a woman in the context of an actual relationship. The closest I've ever come to being sexual with a woman, was during the course of an incident involved me getting a blow-job from a hooker after I'd gotten drunk. This event occurred in a less than reputable establishment and I hadn't been wearing a condom at the time. Naturally, for the next eight months, I was tormented by the possibility that I might have been infected with an STD like H.I.V. I spent a lot of sleepless nights worrying about that grim possibility, until I underwent a H.I.V test that convinced me I was free of the disease. Recently however, I have entertained the idea of once again seeking the services of a commercial sex worker. To this end, I've made inquiries with a professional brothel which assured me that their women were tested at regular intervals for STDs. The information posted on their site also stated that all the clients they service, are required to use condoms, thus minimizing the chances of an infection. However, condoms aren't completely reliable and I'm still haunted by the fear that I might get an STD if the condom were to tear or slip off during a session with one of the women employed by the establishment. So I'm really in a position where my terror of a diseases like HIV is feuding with my desperate desire to get laid by any means possible. I know it sounds downright pathetic and sad, but the fact is that I'm not exactly a teenager anymore. The latest scientific research indicates that men who have sex for the first time during their early twenties are at an increased risk of suffering from various sexual disorders later on in life, at least when compared to their peers who begun to be sexually active during their late teens. So there you have it. I might have already missed my best-before date if you will, and I'm certainly not getting any younger. Should I continue with my plan to see a sex-worker and get it over with, trusting a condom to keep me safe? Or are there other options I should consider? I apologize for the length of what must doubtlessly strike you as an angsty ramble, but I needed to get this off my back. Thanks for taking the time to read this.
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male
reader, DoubleM  +, writes (30 December 2008):
 In my opinion, the probable cause is insecurity and/or lack of confidence. There is a streak of that in almost all of us. It is something that we just have to fight, and I use the word "fight" with good reason. You may have to use the same determination as if your are fighting for your well-being. Just force yourself to approach and speak to those you find attractive, and do not be discouraged that you will at least occasionally be rudely dismissed. It's a matter of numbers - you increase your odds by doing it often. Work on confidence - act it. And don't forget direct eye contact.
A
male
reader, Saturn +, writes (29 December 2008):
Saturn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry for taking so long to reply, but I've been away for a while.
So, if I understood you correctly, there are women out there who won't mind my lack of sexual experience if I make a serious effort at engaging them on other levels? That sounds encouraging, but there's a slight problem that complicates matters for me with regard to that particular area. The moment I find myself in the immediate vicinity of a woman that is even remotely attractive, I find myself fighting this powerful compulsion to physically distance myself from her as soon as I can do so without appearing like a total weirdo. I'm not even sure myself what exactly causes me to behave in that way. Is there anything I can do to combat this strange compulsion of mine? Once again, thanks for listening.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (24 December 2008):
Of course NOT a loser. We live in a much trashier world than when I was young, although I came up with the "hippie generation" of the 1960s. and we were reportedly rather groundbreaking. Well if you go back yet another generation, most folks were married by about the age of 22 and had not previously had intercourse. On the other hand, I would not want to paint the generation of my father as Puritan by any means. It was those who lived and fought during WWII and reportedly, the activities for many of those guys during and after the war were very risque. In other words, sexiness and promiscuity have always existed, but it is okay to not have been among the minority in older times. Perhaps today, promiscuity may indeed be the majority, but I'm not sure that is such a good thing even though I was one of the naughty boys during the 60s and 70s. Of course, being a hippie and sexual during the 60s was anything but mainstream, even in California.
In fact, I recall being jeered and ridiculed (by my peers and society in general) because I had fairly long hair, wore bellbottoms and loved rock n' roll - not to mention associating with girls who did not bother to wear bras and well, you know . . . I did not ever give a damn what others thought, even though I was a nice boy from Texas.
Do you see that I "received flak" from society because I WAS promiscuous, and you say that you are "receiving flak" because to date, you have NOT been so? What a switch! In my opinion, it is noble that you are at least not just doing like everyone else, although you may like to get a taste. One question: Why not just keep your personal life to yourself? It is no business to anyone else. Trust me, there are great women your age out there who are just as virginal as you, and I think you'll find that they will treasure you.
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A
male
reader, Saturn +, writes (23 December 2008):
Saturn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDouble M, thanks for your insightful, sensible words. You're probably justified in saying that as a man who's aged twenty two, my personal situation on the sexual front isn't that desolate and hopeless as of yet. I guess now's the best time for me to be honest and admit that much of my anxiety about being a virgin stems from the flak that I've received from many of my peers. It's bruising to anyone's self-esteem when they're described as an ''old virgin''. But after hearing some of the replies that have been posted so far, I'm begining to realise that not everyone who failed to become sexually active from the age of fifteen onwards, is a complete loser.
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A
female
reader, Millie2008  +, writes (21 December 2008):
 Dont worry about it. There isnt an age were you ''have'' to lose it. Wait till youve found the one. Dont go selling yourself to peopleMerry xmas
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 December 2008): Have you tried something like bebo / facebook / myspace, it could offer a great way to find women in your area and get to know them and find someone worth while. I feel just like you, I am 17 and still trying to find someone, I know alot of people would still say Im young but in todays society I have already been feeling the pressure since I was 15. I wish you the greatest of luck dude!
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (20 December 2008):
Your situation continues to intrigue me, and I wish to help. First of all, for you to consider yourself outdated in your age group is absurd. You even suggested that lack of sexual activity in the near future could result in "suffering from various sexual disorders later on in life." Well maybe, but only if decades pass without a reasonable amount of masturbation, which keeps your reproduction system functioning (use it or lose it). You are simply too damn young to be thinking as you do. You must understand that many women, although they may "seem" unavailable, may be just as available as you are. The key is to approach them, smile and start talking to them. It matters very little about what you say as long as it's not too weird. Just talk about art, music, sports, world happenings, whatever . . . smile and be charming. Sometimes just smile, and look into the eyes without looking away. Work on it. Maintain eye contact and smile!
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (20 December 2008):
Please allow me to add a bit to my previous very brief suggestion. Your decision is obviously yours to make. You are in Australia, I'm in Texas. There is no way that I can know your surroundings, including the availability of women where you live. In my case, living in a fairly large city, there are so many available women that I can be very picky (although the young ones are rarely amiable to an older guy). In my opinion, you need to examine the reasons that may be affecting any lack of female companionship. If you are not very attractive, then there are plenty of lonely women who are also not very attractive, but they often are very wonderful people. I see dozens of them every day. In my opinion, you simply have to force yourself to smile and talk and find someone to love.
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (20 December 2008):
No.
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A
female
reader, gtgw9090 +, writes (20 December 2008):
 I can understand why you're so concerned, but wouldn't you rather wait to lose it with someone you're comfortable around? With someone you love? Honestly, that's how I would look at it. Losing your virginity /is/ a big deal, because once it's gone, it's not coming back. Think about it.
Peace and luck ^^
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A
male
reader, Saturn +, writes (19 December 2008):
Saturn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the replies, guys. Some of them were really insightful and helpful. I guess for now, I'll just wait and see how the next few months go. As danielpew suggested, I should probably take things easy for now and focus on attempting to establish a comfortable rapport with women. However, all options are still on the table. It's really a matter of how far I can control my urges before they finally get the better of me.
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A
female
reader, Lizzybeth01 +, writes (18 December 2008):
 Here's a real life situation that occured to me a couple of months ago when my boyfriend and I of 4 years were on a break:
I meet this wonderful guy out a bar one friday night and we got to talking and continued talking for the next couple of hours.
It was let and my group of friends had already left to go home to said guy offered to walk me back to my apartment. I asked him if he would like a drink (just to clarify something here: this guy was my childhood friends borther) and somehow or another we ended up in the bedroom. and somehow I discovered that he lost his virginity to a prostitute - let's just say I put my clothes back on. It was a shame too, he was a really great guy :(
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (18 December 2008):
 I hate to say this because this is not the subject of the post and because it will upset many people, but, in some countries, you're more likely to get AIDS from a housewife than from a prostitute. The reason is, wives trust their husbands and don't think they need any protection. The husband won't tell her that he cheated on her. And the culture makes it difficult for the wife to ask the husband to use a condom. We have had so many of those sad stories around here.
I agree with the poster who says that you might find someone willing to teach you things. However, you would still have problem relating to women. That is the basic problem you got.
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A
female
reader, FashionistaBaybee +, writes (18 December 2008):
Maybe I'm crazy or too young but I think you should wait. Losing your virginity is a big deal and should be shared with someone you deeply love and care about. You shouldn't be worried about gettng laid just because your friends did because then it won't mean anthing to you. Your first time should mean something and be special - not shared with a hoe. I may only be 15 but I think I'm way more mature and you should take what I said seriously. Don't you wanna look back and remember your first time as something you don't regret?juss asking. You should think about that. hope I helped =]
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2008): I can empathise. Your risk of catching something unpleasant from a good quality working girl are lower than they would be with an amateur who sleeps around after drinking too much at parties. Obviously avoid streetwalkers and low rent neighbourhoods. Your chances of catching HIV from receiving a blow job are close to zero but yes there are some other, less terminal, things that you could have got.There are working girls who are whores and with whom sex is just mechanical and it is frankly not a very pleasant experience but then there are others who are true masters of the art and after your hour or two or three or however long your budget stretches you will leave walking on air. I don't know Australia but for every significant city there are resources which you can use to do your research. Do be respectful and kind. Do tell them in advance what your situation is.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2008): I've used prostitutes in the past when i was young, free and single, long before HIV and AIDS appeared and all of them in Singapore, Hong Kong and Greece and I have to say, some of them really took pride in their work and I left a happy boy. They wanted my money, I wanted their bodies and it was basically nothing more than a business transaction, but a transaction with some extremely skilled workers. I was not a virgin, but I certainly wasn't experienced either. They taught a lot and I learned a lot. I have a lot to thank them for.Thinking back to when I actually lost my virginity, it was nothing more than a fumble and a 20 second poke at a warm wet hole. On reflection, I think if I had the choice I would choose a prostitute to hand my virginity to, but not just any old streetwalker. You get what you pay for. I'd thoroughly recommend a sex worker for you, but you must explain to her that you're a virgin and need treating compassionately. Believe me, you'll get more than your money's worth and it will be an experience to remember.Having said all that, I've also been madly in love with a woman and the consummation of that love was far more satisfying and meaningful than with any prostitute.The choice is yours: Wait for a woman you truly love, and who loves you just the same or get over what you see as an important hurdle to be jumped over because you feel left behind in some way.There's pluses and minuses whichever route you choose.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (18 December 2008):
We give our opinions here because we don't think that matters are "absurd and juvenile". So here's another opinion of mine. Sometimes, I'm afraid, I'm the one who says absurdities.
Your situation is "the call of nature". Meaning you're a man and, naturally, want sex with women. But you have trouble relating to women, so why not cut corners and pay someone?
If all you want is to release your tension, well, the prostitutes will help you. I think, however, that what you really need is the ability to relate to women, and you won't learn that with a prostitute. Not because she is bad or whatever, but because the product she sells does not include advice.
Yep, you can get AIDS and many other diseases if you go to a prostitute. You can get them from women who are not prostitutes, too. That comes with having sex. Of course I don't mean you shouldn't use protection, but you need to accept that sex opens the door to all that. If you think that it would be impossible for you to get a disease from a woman who is not a prostitute, you're wrong.
I think you should try to take it easy and set yourself the goal of learning how to relate to women.
Also, relax, and don't read too many studies or whatever. Common sense is better. When you do or don't do something, there are consequences, but they don't have to be tragic.
When I was still cruising the waters of adolescence, one of my peers engaged in encounters of sexual nature with a physically endowed young woman. It should be highlighted that she had no reason to fall prey to commercial pressures and resort to make up. The fact that they were having these encounters became widely known, which made both of them the object of many an envious look and comments of regrettable content. At the turn of two-hundred and seventy days, plus or minus ten days, she bore fruit: a little human being.
The rest of us, sexless budding young men, were still free to go to parties.
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A
female
reader, taina1980 +, writes (18 December 2008):
pop in a movie & handle your business... the risks of being with a prostitute are not worth busting a nut... when the right time comes it will happen... why are you in such a rush??i have the suspicion that eblvn if your did use a condom that you would still be paranoid about having caught a disease... if you follow your first instinct which is not to run the risk of catching a disease don't do it like that... try to get over your fear of talking to women & you are going to find someone... you can do it... you are getting way to down on yourself... I'm sure you will find a nice girl who will have privleged of being your first... what your thinking is the wrong way to do it... you don't need that kind of baggage...
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male
reader, trw1972 +, writes (18 December 2008):
Ok matefirstly, when you meet the right person for you, she probably wont be concerned about your experience, providing your open.Now, most people will advise you not to visit a prostitute and to wait for 'the one' id prefere to give you a few facts and let you decide for yourself.First off, disease, yes condomns will protect against most diseases, but not all!. You will still be at some risk of Herpes, or HPV. Neither are life threatening and both are common and easily caught..but dont think a comdom will eliminate all the risk (it does reduce risk).Secondly, your concerned about leaving losing your virginity till your too old, because of disorders. I can understand what your saying!. But, i doubt sex with a prostitute would be satisfying.Overall, in your situation, i think i would be tempted to as well, so dont feel bad for that
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