A
female
age
41-50,
*sabel101
writes:I just had a baby with my boyfriend of bout 10 months. He is still married and was hanging with his wife up till we started our relationship, they have no kids together. He has said in the past that I did not break up a happy home. He tells me all the time he loves me. He still talks to his wife and I know she sends him text messages a lot. i feel that maybe he would still be hanging with her if I had never happened and that he is just trying to do right by the baby. I feel in the way and that maybe his dedication to me is only for one reason and that one day his feelings will change and he will want to go back to his wife because to me there is a reason he was still hanging with her and a reason why she still contacts him all the time. They where not living together at the time we started our relationship but they where still hanging out.I feel like this situation could turn into a hot mess!
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female
reader, Isabel101 +, writes (14 January 2009):
Isabel101 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI believe my bf is committed to me. We are talking bout having another child together. But since he is still married it kind of bothers me. I do not really know what happened between him and his wife but I know he still loves her kids. Is having a 2nd child with him a good idea because of this even though I think that he truley loves me.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2008): You are right...there is absolutely no reason, why they need to be in contact, anymore. Their relationship is done..it's over. There is nothing like an ex-wife in the wings to make it difficult to fully commit and give everything to a relationship. He may think he can commit to you irregarless, but...what about your feelings. As long as she's hovering in the background ready to pounce, you will always feel edgy and nervous. No female likes that scenario..you are responding in a very normal manner. Not a healthy way to conduct a relationship, especially with a child involved now.
He's with you and you both have produced a little one who needs two loving, mature, committed parents. It is time for him to stop conact with the ex. Why? Because it's hurting you. She has to go and you have the right, to insist on it. His ex-wife has been the all effective armor for him against making a full commitment to you and this child and his behavior has to stop. I am surprised that he hasn't figured this out himself. Most guys, with thought for their gf's feelings, would give up an ex, no question. So if this issue is not addressed, things will get worse. The trust will be shaky and really, you cannot be expected to continue to monitor his every move, day and night. He is supposed to be able to manage on his own in this department and as the other half of this relationship...you must have faith in and really trust the guy. That is the healthiest way.
Please get strong and come clean with him on all of this. This may be the start of finally you both beginning to live your relationship together in a more loving, open, honest fashion. You just need to have a voice here and genuinely respect yourself enough to know what you will and will not tolerate. If you start setting tougher boundries, then your bf will rethink what he is doing. You take a chance as there is no guarantee that he will rethink things, or if a change will be in a direction, you desire. But he was told.
Tell him, also, it's time to get the divorce, too. If he's committed to you and this child, he'll do it. But more importantly, I am concerned that if she is legally tied to him, and something happens to him, where does that leave you and this child. She could possibly have legal access to all his finances, life insurance, properties and and all assets he owns. This is one of the reasons, I like to tell women to never date the separated man. Ensure he's divorced and that stage of his life is done, girls. Your bf needs to break all ties with his 'ex-wife', in order to move ahead with you. He should be planning a future with you now and ensuring this child and you, will not be 'wanting' or suffer hardships'. Most men take care of this. If he doesn't want to priorize you, nor do anything you ask of him...then there are people and things that cannot be fixed. I hope he does the right thing by you and his child. If he doesn't then you need to re-evaluate, because if he continues seeing his 'legal' wife (she's not an ex, yet), you are indeed going to feel more and more undervalued by him. So you do need, to be strong and ask him to to commit fully to you and this child by stopping all contact with the wife and he needs to get that divorce...pronto. Take care.
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