A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone,I'm a 22 year old girl. For some reason, I'm a virgin and I haven't even had a boyfriend yet. I'm not ugly; I do commercial modeling (not the big stuff though), and I do get hit on. My problem is that guys usually go too fast for me. I'm the kind of girl that wants to get to know you first before taking the plunge. Also, my standards are pretty high: before I date someone, I really want to feel something. I never go for it and hope I fall in love along the way. Maybe I'm a coward, as this approach obviously hasn't worked out for me so far. I'm not desperate, but I catch myself wondering what it must be like waking up next to someone, loving them, touching them, hugging them. And I'm a bit insecure. When I admit to my friends I'm still a virgin, they look at me as if I'm crazy. I once admitted it to a guy I liked and he was completely turned off by it. He thought he was doing me a favor since noone else would take me. (I kicked him out of my house after that.)So I want to know: virgin at 22, is it a turn off? Thanks in advance!
View related questions:
insecure, never had a boyfriend, still a virgin Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, november_rain  +, writes (18 May 2010):
Good for you for kicking him out of your house! I think the world's gone mad! You are clearly the kind of girl who has been brought up properly!
I understand where you are coming from completely as far as taking it slowly goes! I recently had a date with a girl who was expecting that "click" on the first date, and when it didn't happen, she wrote me off as being in the "just a friend" zone.
That's one of the things that prompted me to write my question on Sunday!
I really wish there were more girls like you out there!
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2010): I think it makes you someone to be cherished. Any thing worth having it worth waiting for.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2010): definitely not. most guys (the decent ones atleast, and those are the ones you'll want to attract) will respect you for that. so much more than if youd slept with god knows how many guys. dont be someone youre not. dont be embarrassed. be proud. and i promise you that if you wait, and you do find someone who eventually you do have sex with, it will be the most amazing thing in the world. special, intimate, close. this is worth waiting for. there is nothing wrong with being a virgin at your age. and furthermore, it is not a turn off for guy. good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, J.T.1988 +, writes (17 May 2010):
 I wish I could meet someone like you :)
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2010): You sound great to me. I'd prefer you over someone who has slept with a string of other people.
...............................
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (16 May 2010):
 yes it is. So go down to your local dogging spot and do every passer by. That should turn the guys on. Wouldn't that make you happy?No? Why not? Because that is not the kinda person you are. Ah!You are who you are. A girl who wants to take it slow. Who does not feel the need to ball the soccer team during spring break. Unless you want to change yourself, want to change the person who you are, you got two options:Hope to find someone someday who loves you for who you are.Always pretend to be someone you are not and hope they stick around for that.On the whole, the first is a longshot and might never happen. But is the second better? Since you claim to be attractive (commercial modelling could be the "before" shoots) it shouldn't be all that hard to find guys to fuck you. But is that what you want? Seems not.That one guy was turned of by it, didn't this REALLY mean that he was turned off by YOU. By who and what you are? Do you really want to be with a person who is repulsed by who you truly are? I am sure that if a black women underwent full body surgery and skin replacement might be able to get a white supremacist, but why would she want to?Yes "he got to love you for who you are" is a trite statement, but it is simply true. You are a 22 year old virgin, if he doesn't like that then screw him (or rather not screw him) because it means he doesn't like you.And as a final note, read this site. It is overflowing with women who did screw every guy that gave them the time of day, and they don't seem to be doing any better with finding true love. Your question would only be valid if non-virgins were more successful in love.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2010): It's not a turnoff. I'd probably be more attracted to a girl like that because it shows she is confident and has character. But I'm always intimidated around girls, so I might not ask her out since it might seem like her standards were too high for her to meet. I think you might need to be clearer when you do meet a guy you want to go out with. But I think a lot of great guys will respect your values and certainly not be turned off by them.
...............................
A
male
reader, daletom +, writes (16 May 2010):
Well, yeah, it IS nice to wake up next to the person you're sharing your whole life with, and start the day by making gentle love with her. My wife and I were both 23 years old the very first time that happened to either of us - on the day after we were married - and a few hours after we had taken each other's virginity.
Knowing that we were, at 23, each other's first sex partner was significant to both of us. I probably would have married her even if she wasn't a virgin, but I don't think our commitment and marriage experience would have been quite the same.
To me, being a virgin at 22 speaks very highly of you, your standards, and your ability to live up to the goals you have set. It tells me you definitely have a mind, and use it. Believe it or not, a lot of guys know that the most important female organ for sexual pleasure is between her ears. (Unfortunately, many of them take a while to realize that.)
You acted quite properly by kicking the guy out of your house, who wanted to "do you a favor". (In his mind, you probably fit some kind of a stereotypical "cold fish" in bed and he was out to teach you a few things.)
The feeling of "being the only single in a sea of couples" can be devastating. I was there! I recall being at my college graduation, watching my classmates cross the stage, and thinking "I'm probably the only guy here who has never been laid.".
In fact, the "only-ness" of your situation is probably not true - there are probably more unattached (and never attached) people around you than you realize. But you won't discover this for several years, so my telling you isn't much comfort right now. But take a look at the thread, "I'm 20 and never been kissed or had a bf!" at [ http://www.dearcupid.org/question/im-20-and-never-been-kissed-or-had.html ] if you need proof.
Whether romance, physical intimacy, or sex is involved in the relationship you'd still like to experience companionship and emotional intimacy. I think that's normal and healthy. The sacred writings of the Hebrews and Christians even state, very early, that people were made to have fulfilling interpersonal relationships. I'll make several suggestions. Evaluate them and decide if they're useful to you. I'll warn you now - it will take a little courage and you may experience some discomfort.
- Proximity. You aren't going to meet many guys in a convent, but you don't have to be a National Hockey League player to be around guys. Unfortunately, you are in a profession that is rather sexual at its foundation. Get involved in activities that are comfortably co-ed but less overtly sexual. This might be an interest group like a Kennel Club or the local Historical Society. Or a church. Or take a few college classes. Or even a mixed athletic team, like bowling, tennis, or volleyball. The key is GET INVOLVED: serve on a committee, organize a study group, plan a party, volunteer to make the reminder calls. The whole process will be easier, and quicker, if one of your girlfriends goes with you. Ask her to critique your behavior: Are you too talkative? Too quiet? Too flirty? Too withdrawn? Too bossy?
- Don't think of guy acquaintances as potential dates or relationships. (I KNOW can be hard!) Instead, just become comfortable being around guys, talking with them, working with them. And don't concentrate on guys alone - even women you know have sons, cousins, coworkers for you to meet.
- Don't get obsessive about looks. Look at the couples around you. (I know - you already have! And that's why you're asking this question here.) Not necessarily the couples you went to school with, but rather the couples your parents' age, who have stable, long-term relationships. If you are honest you will see that tall people, short people, fat people, skinny people, curley-haired people, bald people - even smart people and dumb people - are all capable of having fulfilling relationships. Ask yourself, "What did he/she ever see in her/him?" And then - if you're brave enough - pose the same question to the couples themselves. Well, not EXACTLY the same question. A better way to put it is "How did you meet your wife/husband?". Believe it or not, old married people LOVE to answer this question but that's something you're still too young to appreciate.
- Don't try to be what you're not. One of the old philosophers said, "Know thyself.". Don't try to be the life of the party if you're quiet and shy. Don't dress like a super-model if you're short and chubby, or don't like being gawked at. Most folks can spot a phony - and either avoid that person, or try to take advantage of his/her insecurity.
- Let older adults know about your situation. Think of the adults you've had good personal relationships with. These might be aunts or uncles; athletic coaches; special teachers; Scout or Church youth workers; perhaps a neighbor or family friend. Somebody who KNOWS you and you can speak with in confidence. Let this person(s) know how you feel deep inside. Ask for two kinds of suggestions: things you can do to improve the situation, and people you can meet. Folks your age are generally very poor matchmakers: they'll simply try to hook you up with the first unattached person who comes to mind. Older adults, who know your personality and temperament, are much better at it. They recognize qualities and traits that improve compatibility. (Very few young people consider this idea, but it has been rather effective in other cultures down through history.)
My true story: Although I dated (and loved) a girl during the summer after I finished High School she broke up when we were separated at different universities. I went through 4 years of college without a real date, much less a girlfriend. At spring break of my senior year, in the course of conversation with an adult acquaintance, I mentioned that "Girls just avoid me like the plague." and we discussed the situation briefly. Now this "adult acquaintance" was my parents' age. Her daughter was in my High School class; I had been in Scouts and church activities with one of her sons.
But she had a niece . . . Two months later, after college graduation, I had the niece's mail address, and the suggestion "You'd probably enjoy comparing your college experiences.". There was a distance problem, so we wrote to each other - real letters on real paper, sometimes a friendship card or a trinket gift - for three months. It turned out to be a wonderful way for two quiet and shy people to get acquainted as people, not just potential sex partners. In August I finally met her in person. One year and two weeks later we were married and still are. (I won't say how long that is, but our youngest kid is your age.) Every few years we send flowers to my wife's Aunt Laura on our anniversary, and thank her for introducing us.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2010): im an 18 year old male... And im not turned off by it. lols
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (16 May 2010):
 No, no and no.
...............................
|
