A
female
age
41-50,
*enntonic
writes:Question: When he says he wants 'a break' does it always mean it's the end of the relationship? Should I hang in there or should I move on? Hello everyone,I am not used to replying to blogs or doing anything internet related, however I 'googled' the issue of boyfriends wanting 'a break'and this website is what I found. Anyway, here is what I would like to contribute and ask for advice on. It involves a few relationships of experiencing breaks, heartaches, and quite frankly situations I never thought would get through but did.I was 17 when this story began and am 28 now. I am currently in the same 'break' situation and am working my way through it. Here is my experience. I hope someone benefits from it and that some might be able to help with good advice. In 2004, 2006, 2008, and 2010 When he said he wanted a break, what did he actually mean? Does he want to 'play the field?', does he want to break up, is he just using this as an excuse or is this a legitimate situation of someone who desperately needs space?In 2000 I met my first boyfriend. I was 17, had never dated, and was not sure if I ever wanted to. He was a little older (20), was quite shy, very sweet, and a mutual friend of friends of mine. Eventually we stared dating. It did not take us long to figure out that we had absolutely NOTHING in common, but we loved each other and pressed on.In 2001 I went into university and this started to put pressure on our relationship. I tended to take care of the home, and my partner's mother who was ill. We had our first break in 2004. That was really hard! After 4 years together, I did not know what to do without this person. I felt like the 'world was collapsing' around me and did not know how I would pull through. I let him be, moved into my parents' home, and started to focus more on my program at school. After 7 months, he came back to me out of nowhere and told me he wanted me back and without hesitation, Iaccepted.The second break he did not request, he just took....back in April, 2006. I was devastated to return home from school to discover that all of his belongings were gone. No note was left and a phone call only resulted in my crying and his hanging up on me. That was it. I was finally about to finish school in just one month (which had caused a rift between us for years) and he was gone? I realize now that it was the right thing but at the time I just felt 'worthless'. Just over 6 years together with nothing in common other than both being sweet people was never enough to base anything on.I moved on and about three months later one of my university pals (for years) brought over a friend. I remember thinking he was attractive but did not know if this was because of the 'rebound' process that seemed so common or that he was just hott. Over the next couple of months, this man worked hard to get to know me. The only problem was that we lived 'long distance' in Canada (let me tell you, that can be some kind of far!). I had already accepted a job to teach overseas for a few years and was gong to leave soon, but this did not stop us from getting together.I came home for a visit at Christmas, spent the holiday with his family (who I had gotten to know dearly), and truly felt loved. I thought this was everything I was looking for. He asked me to come home early and leave my job and after careful consideration I did. Less that one month after arriving home, he wanted 'a break' because I had not been sending him enough e-mail messages. I remember being so angry for leaving my career to be with him. At the very least I had arrived home to do another university program which kept me busy.Four months later he visited our mutual friend and we saw each other. A few days after he claimed he had not been thinking logically before, had taken time to think about it and wanted me back. I said 'yes!!!'I traveled out to his home awhile after (again, far away). We started to look for a home and furniture for our new place. My program was finishing soon, and we were moving in together. I felt loved, and it seemed like a dream come true. After our loving little vacation together I got on a bus and traveled the long journey home (normally 14 hours but with the snow storm that suddenly erupted instead took 4 days!). I was so tired and terrified to start an internship the following day (which I should have had days to prepare for). I honestly did not see what was coming next.I arrived home to see him on msn. I messaged him, but he was short with me. He called me up and told me he needed a 'break' over the phone and hung up on me. He refused to speak to me again........I found out I was pregnant a few months later with his child. Normally, I was very cool, laid back, and accepting of what other people wanted, but suddenly I was extremely emotional (crazed in fact) and terrified. I called him, left three messages on his home line, and tried his mobile. A friend of his answered who told me had had moved on and that he wanted nothing to do with me. This was confirmed the next day by a number of jealous e-mails I started to get from his new girlfriend (and never replied to). I felt worthless, insignificant, and every other adjective relating to these. My heart was completely broken and I was pregnant. I was then diagnosed by a doctor with severe depression and medicated but nothing helped. I know the way that relationships (when they go wrong) can hurt you like nothing else on the planet.Terrified, alone, unbearably hurt and lost, I eventually made the decision to have a secret abortion. Less than two months later, I moved to the UK to teach. I started to regret the abortion immediately and this let to a form of post traumatic stress syndrome. I didn't think things could get worse!Sept. 27, 2008 I met a wonderful man. He has proven to be understanding, patient, smart, and shares many of my interests. He has been with me through anything (and considering the depression and PASS everything), has come home to meet my family in Canada, has the most fantastic parents, etc. etc. I feel this man is absolutely perfect.He is 28 years old and at 26 (when I met him) he had never been with anyone else emotionally or sexually at all...ever.This worried me as my previous two relationships in the past had been on the same ship as both of them never dated (or had sex) before me. I pushed those worries aside.My partner and are living together but I will say again (as I did at the beginning of this long story) he wants a break, we are moving out of our flat and are separating. He plans and needs to see other people and I understand this. I know that he loves me and that this is hard for him, but it is also very hard for me. I never thought I would find someone like him and when I finally found him, 18 months later he also wants a 'break.'Because of my past experiences, the word 'break' seems to mean the end. I am trying to find everywhere I can to get away from this man as it hurts to see him and think of us not (and never) being together. We will be moving out of here in 3 months and will get our own flats. I will never call him but if he decides to get back together, I will welcome the call. With my past experiences, when they say they need a break, they DEFINITELY mean it.Well, don't know if this is helpful to anyone, but I know that I could use some advice. Should I put any hope in this or should I just move on? I love this man with all of my heart. I completely understand why he would like to see other people. If I had nothing to compare to, I would want to do the same.Thank you to any advice and good luck to those whose hearts have been broken also.
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a break, abortion, christmas, get back together, jealous, move on, moved in, msn, my ex, needs space, shy, university Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, genntonic +, writes (16 May 2010):
genntonic is verified as being by the original poster of the question This is the third time I have been down this road and I was beginning to make the same mistakes all over again. Currently I feel helpless and worthless which is terrible considering I am a very intelligent and successful individual.One of the major things I want in my life is to have a loving and equal relationship and eventually have my own family, but it seems that I allow men to walk all over me. It hurts but I am ending the relationship and taking control over my life. Thank you both for the advice. You are absolutely correct.
A
female
reader, Lucky786 +, writes (16 May 2010):
 I'd move on if I were you. If you're not good enough for him now, why would you be good enough for him in 6 months, 9 months or a year? I think YOU NEED A BREAK from dating. You also need to work on your self-esteem. You say:"I will never call him but if he decides to get back together, I will welcome the call," Why are you giving him the power to decide anything about your life? He wants a break let him have it...permanently. Move into your new flat and use that as a fresh start.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2010): Your bf appears to want to take a "break"when it is interested in dating others. Take a break for what? If you are a great woman towards him, why take a break? Maybe he isn't sure about anything long term with you so he is yo-yoing in this relationship...one moment he wants to be with you, the next moment he doesnt. I think you should make it clear to him that your life is not a revolving door thus, he can't come and go as he pleases. As for this new guy you are seeing....you mentioned that it was "hard for him"...how is it hard for him when he wants to see other people? Sounds like a grand old great plan to me.
Believe, I know how it feels to have your heart broken....it took me almost one year to get over my ex and what he did to me. I would have never thought I would have to seek therapy in an attempt to recovery from my misery. It was painful not just mentally, but emotionally and physically as well.
I think you need to get off the dating field for awhile, seek therapy and learn more about relationships in general. Go to amazon.com and read books like WHY MEN LOVE BITCHES and 10 THINGS WOMEN DO TO MESS UP THEIR LIVES and 10 THINGS PEOPLE DO TO MESS UP THEIR RELATIONSHIPS.
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