A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'll start things off with honesty since that's the best method of any question. I am 22 with some time to come before I am 23. I haven't dated much, only having 2 girlfriends in my whole existence, yes I have had sex but nothing spectacular to say the least. Girls I like aren't ever available or into me so I think its fair to say it's possible I am just looking for a void to be filled. I say this now so its not restated. A girl I've been talking to recently told me she likes me and we really hit things off great, the problem is I thought she looked young but i assumed she was 18 since I told her my age and asked if it was a problem. She said no and we began dating, its only been a few days so nothing major has formed on my part with the exception of caring about her feelings and the such. She revealed to me the third day of our dating that she is 16. so basically i am 22 and she is 16. Technically i believe it is legal for us to date and have sexual intercourse if we so choose to but thats not why I'm writing this. I like her sure, and I'm sure in the months to come I would fall in love with her since we have alot of similar tastes in music and things of that nature, but by no means am I a playboy or a pick up artist, I'm socially awkward since I've never dated alot. I'm not out to get her, or anything like that but I completely understand people who would think that. I mean hell she's 16. I don't want to hurt her... I wish I could say I'm going to keep dating her but I don't know what to do. I don't want to ruin this girls life.. I don't want to fall in love with her and have her change her mind because she doesn't know what she wants. I'm just unsure of what to do. Any advice would be great. I don't want to hurt her, i like her. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Jessabella77 +, writes (26 October 2012):
Dear anonymous, I want to start by saying I did not read the immense amount of replies you have gotten, so forgive me if I repeat anyone. I am a psychology student graduating in two months. What I'm going to tell you is not criticism but what I feel about the situation you described. First, on a legal note if the age of consent in your state is 16 there are generally provisions to this, usually the other party has to be within 5 years older than said 16 year old. That said, on a deeper level, I feel that the age of the girl and yourself is am issue. It would be different if you were, say 27 with a 20 year old because you would both have adult reasoning skills. At 16 she probably doesn't think about long term outcomes of relationships. I do think you have a valid thought process that you may fall in love with her and she may, not so much change her mind, but not be ready for a serious long term relationship. I understand your feelings of isolation and awkwardness with people your own age, that is something you could maybe talk to a counselor about. It is often easy to talk to younger people because they do not judge us like people our own age. I don't want you to feel loss, however long term I do not think this relationship will work out. I think you need to be the adult and do what is best for both of you. Sorry, this probably not what you want to hear. It is just my honest feelings both on a psychological and personal level. Good luck. Always Jessabella.
A
female
reader, Johnsgirl1982 +, writes (24 October 2012):
When I was 16 I dated and lost my virginity to a man who was 24 years old. We dated for over 2 years before I broke it off with him. Honestly does her parents know you are thinking of dating her seriously? You do not have to have sex with someone to stay with them. Despite what some may tell you if you all date but don't have sex til she is of age then it will not cause you all to not work out. That is silly and I hope you dont listen to that. I know a lot of people who date without sex and they do wonderfully. Saving yourself or her saving herself will make it all the more awesome when you do become intimate. Sex is not what makes a relationship its the people who make a relationship. If you like her, she likes you, you both can agree sex is out of the question til she is 18 or older, and he parents are ok with you then I say do it. However if you both cannot agree to pursue this without sex involved it would be best to let it go for your own safety and to avoid a possible prision record that would make it impossible to get a job or have a good life.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 October 2012):
 If she is 16 and you are 22 and you have sex with her you can go to jail.
you can be branded a lifetime child sex offender...
I STRONGLY suggest that you befriend her casually but NOT date her seriously until she is 18 at minimum.
To be honest I was a mature 16 yr old girl and would have been THRILLED dating an "older man" My parents wisely would not have allowed it.
I did not allow my stepdaughter to date boys past 18 until she was 18 and even then had a boy of 25 asked to date my 18 yr old daughter I would have said NO... that he could visit her AT our house with us in the room....
there is just too much of a difference between 16 and 22... seriously...
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2012): I disagree strongly with what Xant said. That is a VERY immature and irresponsible attitude to have! Surely pursuing a girl you fancy and having absolutely no regard for her age or the law will only lead to a prison sentence which you would not want. Then again, xant was a teenager and teenagers think they know what's best.
Generally I don't condone any adult dating a minor (and let's face it, legal age or not she is still a school girl and isn't classed by law as an adult yet), so my advice to you based on my personal opinion, and the fact that you seem very doubtful as to whether you could successfully hold a relationship down or not anyway, Is to say backtrack and break things off with her. Its better to disappoint her now, than to break her heart a few months or maybe even a year down the road.
Besides, from what other people have said, it seems like in most states the legal age of consent is 18, she's a couple of years away from reaching that age right now, so you're definitely making a rod for your own back.
(I'm from the UK so I don't know much about laws in any other countries)
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (24 October 2012):
 As other posters have stated, I am not so sure that you can legally have sex with a 16 y.o., - check first, a pissed off parent could put you into no end of big trouble.
Regardless, I don't know,... I am always surprised when I read this kind of questions. My son is too 22 going on 23, and no chance on earth that he would touch a 16 y.o. with a ten feet pole. And not that he is so sophisticated or " man-aboout-town", or the intellectual type, he is a very normal,down to earth, average Joe kind of guy. And yet there is an abyss between a 22 y.o. MAN and a 16 y.o. kid, what possibly can you have in common with a school girl ? Oh sure, musical tastes, ( why, do you like Justin Bieber ? :) ) and things of that nature... maybe you both like pizza. Or puppies . Or James Bond movies.
But that 's barely enough for a friendship, in fact it's more for shooting the breeze together when you've got a half an hour to kill.
For a relationship, and mind you, I don't even mean a serious, future oriented relationship !, just something a little bit meaningful as a human interaction, you must be on the same wavelength, in maturity,experience, values, priorities, lifestyle...
These are life changing years , if she were 22 and you 28 there would be nearly no gap between you, but she 16 and you 22.... you belong to different worlds, and, I really think that if you are honest with yourself what you have in common is... that she has a pretty face / nice body, and , not surprisingly , you like pretty faces and nice bodies, duh.
Plus, as you say yourself, you have to fill a void in your life, and, pardon me, I could be wrong, you really don't sound like a confident go-getter . This young girl has basically fallen in your lap , you did not have to sweat it for her,- and that's the attraction : it's a very appealing choice for a lazy or insecure guy. But other than that,... and since you say you also risk falling in love... I'd really let this one go.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (24 October 2012):
 Umm I would check the laws in your state if I were you, in most states in the USA the legal age of consent for sexual intercourse is 18, some cases 17. I dont know of any states that it is 16! So that will be your biggest issue, if you even come close to doing anything sexual with her chances are her parents will report you to the police and you will be in prison before you know it.
Putting the legal issues aside, normally a 6 year age gap wouldnt be a big deal. If she was 22 and you were 28 no-one would bat an eyelid. However while she is under the age of 21 you are going to raise a lot of eyebrows with this relationship, most people will wonder what a grown man of 22 has in common with a child of 16. You cant have sex, you cant go out for drinks together, you are limited to the number of films you can see (she cant see an 18 yet!).
Ok sure, you might have music in common, but you wont have much else in common! She will still be at school, talking about all the usual high-school dramas and teenage things that girls like to talk about. She hasnt gone out into the real world yet and experienced life, all she knows is school! Whereas you are a grown man, hopefully with a job or in higher education. You will have experienced much more than her, have different tastes to her and different ideas on life - she hasnt had the opportunity to grow up yet so she wont be able to talk about the kind of things you are interested in.
Even if you can find things to talk about, you still have the huge issue that you are in very different stages of life. You are in your early 20's - so you will be studying, starting your career, wanting to travel and see the world, having fun with friends going out drinking and socialising, thinking about saving for the future so you can buy/rent a place of your own, buy a car, get married...etc.
Whereas you have this 16 year old girl, who is still in school, probably doesnt have much idea what she wants to do with her life apart from getting school out of the way. She is in no place to think about the future, she is too young to think about a long-term relationship because her life is going to change so much over the next few years. She may well end up deciding to go to a college on the other side of the country, she might take a year out and travel the world....she has no committments unlike you when you are starting to build your adult life.
Even if the relationship was good for a year or so (without being able to have sex because her parents are NOT going to allow that) - it will eventually result in her breaking up with you because she was too young when she met you and she wants to experience life.
So this relationship is doomed from the start, you cant have sex, her parents wont approve, you cant do many activities that a normal 22 year old man would want to do with his girlfriend....and to top it off you will go into this knowing it can never be long term because you will grow apart and she will leave you.
Dont waste your time on this, you might like her and have music in common but there will be plenty other more suitable girls out there who you have more in common with. Good things come to those who wait, dont rush into a relationship with someone who isnt quite right for you.
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A
female
reader, Xant  +, writes (24 October 2012):
When I was sixteen I had two boyfriends, they were 23 and 25. It worked out perfectly. We broke off, not because of the age gap, but it didn't work out for personlatiy reasons. Do not let Her age be a problem. I dated another guy who was 24 and I was 15 at the time. He found the age gap a problem, but, he cried so hard a ew weeks later when he had overcome the problem and I didn't want to date anymore. Love is not something that has rules. If it's there, it is very precious, you should not break your or her heart over a number. If you like her, go for it. Never let anybody tell you who you can and cant love! Good luck. Go get her.
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