A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my current boyfriend for almost 4 years, and I turn 21 next month, he is already 21. Sometimes when I spend time with him I feel really happy to be with him and when he is away I miss him a lot, we have developed a strong bond (especially since we lost our virginity to each other) and love each other. But sometimes, and more often now, I don't feel the same as I used to. I'm pretty confused about it to be honest, it's hard to explain. The first year of our relationship was amazing, we were quite young for such a committed relationship and it was kind of like the honeymoon period... we were totally in love! After a while things didn't seem as exciting as they used to be, simple things like kissing used to give me butterflies, I loved that! I understand that these things do go away and you still appreciate the smaller things. The thing is, sometimes I just don't want to kiss him and I don't know why. In the 2nd year of our relationship we went through quite a bad phase for a couple of months! Sometimes we would go without speaking for days. We would have really stupid arguments. I think it started one time I told him something that had happened. I went out clubbing for the first time with my girlfriends and got way too drunk, I don't remember most of the night - but I ended up kissing some random guy (I am not going to try and justify me doing this, I a was so ashamed... I can only put it down to the drink) I was so guilty that I told him the next day, and that I was really sorry about it. I thought he would appreciate that I was honest, and I knew it wouldn't be a nice thing to hear, but the way he reacted was still quite strange. It's hard to remember exactly what happened but he didn't speak for about 10 minutes and then when he did he pushed me down on the bed (we were sitting on the bed when I told him) and kissed me very forcefully. I really didn't like it, but I let him do it. After that he hardly spoke and was a bit off for about a week.It was about a couple of months later that we had a chat about breaking up, because we didn't feel the same. It was a bit complicated and went on for a few days, I started it and then I said I wasn't sure and needed to think and then he eventually ended it. Although it didn't seem like that was what he wanted.Not even a week later I called him up to talk and we met up and decided to work on it, and we did - we are still together today! There is one thing that sticks out for me though. He was letting me look through his emails for specific email, and was right next to me when I found an email to one of his friends - I think he wanted me to find it - it was weird. Anyway it was his friend asking if he was okay cos he had heard we broke up. He explained to him we were back together and I can't remember what he said but basically he blamed me and then said well if she does it again that's it no more chances that will be it. (something along those lines i can't really remember) but it was so weird, it didn't sound like something he would even say!There have been many times I have thought about breaking up, I have felt unhappy but scared to break up with him not knowing what to do or how to do it. Our sex life had been almost non-existent for a while too. I hated doing it, he would try to make me which would just make me not want to do it even more, you know? A few times he forced me. There have been some horrible arguments about this, he even once threatened to go sleep with a girl we both knew, named her too. I don't know what that was all about, I think he was just trying his best to hurt me, it's a stupid thing you do when you argue. It was getting really bad, but we had a discussion about it after that argument and he agreed he was out of line and since then hasn't been like that, which is good and actually over the last year our sex life has been better! Still not as active as he would like, and it isn't really that active. But it is still better than it was.Recently our relationship has been quite good, but its still in the back of my head, lingering. It seems good, as don't argue as much, things like that. But, when he comes over he gets his laptop out and either plays on games on his own or asks me to join in the games with him. Same thing every-time. I have only touched the surface with what I have written here and I'm not even sure why I'm posting a question. I just think I want to hear what people think. Is this normal? I know relationships aren't as exciting the longer your with someone, I understand, but I should feel some excitement, right? Have we grown apart because we were young when we first met?Anyone that has been in similar situations or has seen this happen before please help? I have often found myself developing feelings for other men. I always feel so bad about it, but remind myself I can't help the way I feel! As long as I don't chase after those feelings. The thing is it's not just random other men. One is someone who I'm very close to we have been friends for years, before I knew my boyfriend. Maybe I'm just confused and these are just normal and It's because we are so close that I feel so fond of him?I know this probably sounds very very confusing, and it's a very long post. If you have taken the time to read this I really appreciate it (even if you don't answer!) But please leave a comment. Let me know what you think.
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (24 October 2012):
 HE FORCED you to have SEX?
you do know that's called rape right?
now you will defend him.... because you "LOVE HIM"
ya know what... if you are confused and have spent most of your formative dating years with him, I think it's time to move on.
finding other men attractive while in a committed relationship is one thing... but to develop feelings for them and wonder if it's better "out there" is a bad sign.
I think the relationship has run it's course and you will leave eventually... I'd make it sooner rather than later.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2012): I'm nearly 40 and I've been with my partner for 23yrs . I was 17teen when we met. So I'll give you my take..
First of.. What he did is tangament to rape, he should never have forced you to have sex.
However you do like messing with this guys head.. You break up with him, change your mind get back with him, then don't want him, physically and what he's supposed to ... What roll over and let you tickle his belly... From what you post, he didn't contact you for a reconciliation .. You contacted him and then you don't want him.. Would seem you don't know what you want.
I'd advise leaving him be.,, but before you do I will say this... The grass on the other side is not greener, it's just grass.
He had no right to do what he did ..
But your behaviour I'm sorry if you were my daughter would be a clip round the ear.. Your behaviour with him is abysmal ..
His forced kiss.. Was to reclaim what he felt was his.. Ie you.. It's a guy thing.. If you think he's not aware that something's going on in your head, then I'm sorry to say he does..
My advice.. Break up, let the guy move on to someone who loves him, and I hope you do take care too..
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2012): Wow, he forced you to have sex? That's a deal-breaker for me. If you wanted to have sex before, and since he's been acting weird things have changed, I would say you probably have some mixed feelings about him. You were very brave to be honest with him, and you're very young (as am I) so I think you should probably move on and give another guy a chance. He was too chicken to come out and tell you that if it happened again he wouldn't give you a chance, which is very childish. He also says some very hurtful things. I've been with my guy for going on four years and I couldn't be happier. I think the more you get to know someone, the more comfortable you get, the better. He feels the same. I know some people go through phases after being together for extremely long amounts of time, but if this early in the relationship you're feeling unsure/bored/unattractive you should more than likely leave than invest more time. Good luck!
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