A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I am 21, and have been married nearly a year now to the first love of my life, whom I met when I was 15!I have always had eyes for her and only her - until three months ago my mind told me that I was too young and missing out! I have met this really nice girl - nothing has heppened yet, but half of me says to be spontanious and go with fate. The other says stay with your wife.What do I do? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, ady  +, writes (22 January 2007):
 the part who say go with your wife is the right part ;take in cosideration that the sky in some cases contain alot of cloud but after some hours it is come back to be clear.
A
male
reader, Wild Thaing  +, writes (22 January 2007):
 The only definitive words I have for you are to take responsibility for your choices. If you find yourself saying "... but such-and-such made me do it", you are not taking responsibility. And the measure of a person is the willingness to be accountable for his choices, especially when they turn out to be bad ones.
Imagine you are sitting in a boat and drifting on the ocean. You can choose to let the ocean take you somewhere, or you can get the paddle out and chart your own course. Either choice gets you somewhere, but the latter gives you a sense of control as you make your way to the place that you picked.
You sound like someone who hasn't figured out what really matters in your life, what stands out as priorities. Most of us go through the exercise of determining priorities, with some doing it later than others.
In summary, live life so that every day you can look yourself in the mirror. Good luck and take care.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2007): the thing is, at some point, relationships and love are less about any moment of emotion than they are about a life of choices. i can totally understand how you are feeling- it makes sense. what you're longing for is an escape from responsibility and a chance to see the world, probably more than an escape from a horrible woman that you once loved but now despise.
it's normal that you once had eyes only for your wife, and now another girl has caught your fancy. that happens. but i think you should realize that it's a sign of something that's missing in your current relationship (that is, your marriage).
you owe it to yourself to figure out what's missing in your current relationship and try to fix it. and really trying takes more than a few weeks, or even a few months. it takes communication and patience and an understanding that relationships that are long-term ... they change over time ... they ebb and flow, sort of like the tides. but the thing you have to realize is ... there's a reason everyone on this board is telling you to stay with your wife- to honor your vows- to work on your marriage. most of them are older than you. some of them by a lot. i'd be willing to bet that the vast majority have either been in your position, your wife's position, or a very close spectator to the position you're both in. these things don't work out happily. divorce is never happy. cheating is never happy. when there's abuse ... when there's addiction ... when the problems are discussed and addressed and taken to counseling and years of understanding and true commitment are thrown at the situation, and there's no resolution ... sometimes divorce is the only possibility. (cheating never is. you should know this and have enough respect for yourself, for your wife, for your vows, for your integrity, for the girl who supposedly has caught your eye, and for the sanctity of the institution of marriage to honor it.) but trust me. people recover from divorce and eventually they form new lives, but there is always a wound deep inside them, and it never fully closes.
you have the amazing position of being in a life-long relationship with the only woman you've ever loved. you are one of the very few people in life who has a chance to go through it without having to experience the bittersweetness of the memories of old love, mixing with the new. i've had three loves (never married), and let me tell you, there is nothing as pure and as powerful and as true as that first one. i'll be honest and say the sex is a bit better with the third - we're older and more experienced. and the way life had it, distance made the first love impossible -- it was beyond our control. but if i had a way of transplanting that newness-- that complete devotion-- that knowledge that we were the only ones in the world for each other-- to the relationship i'm in now ... i'd do it so quickly. i'll always miss that, and i'll always regret the end of that relationship, no matter how happy i am in another, and no matter how much i realize it was the right decision.
stay with your wife. stick it out. you will be so glad you did. please, please, please believe me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2007): Who do you want to be in 20 years time? The guy who finished with his marriage to live the life he felt he missed or the guy who stuck with his marriage through all of lifes tests?
You will wake up one day and look back on the choices you made in life. You will have the life you chose to have. It's a good thing to remember sometimes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 January 2007): You do nothing and work this through, in your head. This is a test to your commitment and marriage and I hope you pass with flying colors. Marriage is not a game, dear where and when one feels like they have this inalienable right to happiness-they can just go boink someone else. I feel what happened with you is that you found out that being married is not the big dream fantasy, you imagined. This is your mindset and it needs changing.Don't allow your feelings of 'regret and missing out' undermine the solidarity, intimacy and cooperative work needed by a husband and wife to sustain a healthy marriage. With commitment, maturity and communication people learn to make the best of life's challenges, difficulties and disappointments. Without maturity, commitment and communication, people look for ways, simply to feel better rather than trying to make things better. So no matter how you spin it...what you are proposing to do is very self-serving, wrong and doesn't solve your own, inner true problem. Because all you are thinking of here..is YOU and no one else. Take care and I hope you find that happiness you seek, with the woman you married and the one you say is the first love of your life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2007): Hi,
I understand what you are going through. I think that you should think of it as a "face" and stick to your wife who loves you and probably cares about you.
What can this other girl offer? Sure the beginning of a relationship is beautiful but after a while…
Marriage is more that sex; it’s supposed to be a friendship, a trust. Believe me you will regret cheating!
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A
male
reader, maxsteel86 +, writes (21 January 2007):
 Stick with your wife. Here's a worrying thought though, is your wife having the same thoughts?:-O
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A
male
reader, kenny +, writes (21 January 2007):
 Like all the other posts have said, stay with your wife. She is the love of your life, don't risk losing her over a silly crush that will probably pass in a week.
The grass is always greener on the other side, untill you get there.....
Good luck
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A
female
reader, xx-miss-cupid-xx +, writes (21 January 2007):
 Hey x
I think you should stay with your wife. I've been through this before...I was going out with a boy I'd known for most of my life, then I met someone knew. But then I realised that the grass is always greener on the other side, as another answer said. Stay with your wife, you loved her so much you married her, don't risk it by breaking up.
Is she still treating you like you want to be treated? If yes then there's lots to lose if you leave her.
So I'd try staying with her.
Good luck!
Cara -x-
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A
female
reader, Juliette +, writes (21 January 2007):
 This sounds so familiar and it destroyed my first marriage because my husband made me feel so insecure he had married too young. We are still in touch 30 years later and regret our divorce and he has married 3 more times since!
Now he has had plenty of 'experience' and has learned that sexual exploration is worth less than having a caring relationship with someone you feel right with in other respects. We rarely find that 'perfect' person and those that say they have are likely to be kidding themselves.
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A
female
reader, skoolof life +, writes (21 January 2007):
 Stick to who you know, this other girl cant be worth much if she knows your married.You made a choice and commitment. Temptations everywhere ,always, but is it really worth the risk of losing what you have?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2007): Stay with your wife! You are young and there will be many temptations put in your way as you go through life. Talk to your wife and try to resolve any problems you have - work together. The grass is not always greener on the other side!
Hope it works out for you.
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A
female
reader, cd206 +, writes (21 January 2007):
 Stay with your wife. You made the decision to get married and you should now do everything possible to stand by your vows. There will always be temptations, whether you're 21 or 81 but you still have to stick by what you said you would.
CD
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A
male
reader, Ponungalungb  +, writes (21 January 2007):
 Stay with your wife.
The grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence. You shared a sacred vow to be faithful to your wife. It's easy to be unfaithful. . . and much harder to be a person of integrity.
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