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anonymous
writes:I wrote a question a while ago this is a sort of follow up but different... I met his guy at the club (2 months ago), he wasn't my type I'm not attracted to him but I gave him my number to be polite. Big mistake. I let him come round my house. We talked got to know eachother. He clearly likes me a lot and wants us to be together. He calls me quite often 3 times a week or more. (I never call him though) I'm 18 and he's 43.Anyway, I have kind of lead him on and now it's getting out of hand. I know I shouldn't have lead him on but I do this thing where I always try to be nice to people. And I do things to spare people's feelings but in the end I'm the one who is inconvenienced. He thinks I like him like that but really I was just being polite.I have to end it with him before I really hurt him. I can't lead him on anymore. But I'm going to feel like such a B*tch for ending it with him. But rejection happens right? I shouldn't feel bad about it.My question now is how do I put it tactfully in the nicest possible way? "You're too old for me I'm not attracted to you, sorry I led you on I was just being polite" I can't say that! How else do I say it? Even if I have to make up a lie as long as I spare his feelings. Does anyone know how I can do this? Please help me out!Oh yeah and when guys ask me for my number and I'm not interested how do I say it without being b*tchy and mean? What do I say? Because as I know now giving out my number to be polite doesn't work. Giving out the wrong number is mean and they'll call me to check the second they get my number and I'll look dumb. Ignoring calls is mean. I don't want to be mean. I know this seems stupid to you and I'm 18 I should know these things but....I don't. That's why I need you guys to help me. THANKS Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 November 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey hey everyone. Thanks for all your advice. It is greatly appreciated. He called me yesterday and that's when I told him. I said something like "I'm sorry to disappoint you but we can't be together. The age gap is just too much I shouldn't have led you on and I am sorry"
He took it well actually. I felt great after I hung up. So relieved. I didn't feel mean or b*tchy at all. And because he's such a nice guy and we get on well I thought I should stay friends with him and that's what we agreed. He was never really a pest to me it was just a case of he thought I was interested but I wasn't. A court order won't be necessary male anon lol. So the title is a bit misleading.
I'm not gonna go out of my way to call him though and if over time we eventually stop contacting eachother I won't be bothered by it. I sort of have a boyfriend now anyway. (He's 22 by the way).
yep I've learned from this. It's not always good to be nice. Sometimes you've just gotta do what you gotta do and say what you gotta say. Thanks again each and everyone who responded to my problem. mwah!xx :D
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2006): Laugh hysterically the next time he contacts you. When he asks what's wrong, tell him you've found a octogenerian to replace him. Don't pull any punches. Get this geezer out of your life ASAP. If need be, get a court order to keep him from contacting you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2006): Don't lie and say you've met someone else! You have to be perfectly straightforward and tell him you think the age gap is too much (it is) and that he's not your type anyway. Tell him you're sorry you encouraged him, realized that was a mistake, and wish him luck for the future.
After that, if he calls again, as soon as you recognize who it is, tell him just once that he is not to contact you any more. Don't permit him to ask why not, or to argue about it; just tell him, allow him to say one thing ("sorry you feel that way") then hang up. Hopefully that will be the end of it. But if it is not, and he continues to call, text or email, do not respond! To drive your point home, you could pick up the phone and then when he starts to say something, put it down......if you do that he won't be under any illusion that you're out! If he emails or texts you, delete it without reading.
As for giving your number to guys you're not interested in, just tell them, "Thanks for asking but sorry I'm not interested." That's all you need say!
Good luck!
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reader, Rainee  +, writes (21 November 2006):
 My dear, the first and most important lesson a female needs to learn is to say "No".
I'm not saying you need to be mean to people, but by not saying no, or just being wishy-washy and not saying anything at all, you're setting yourself up to be victimized.
Honesty is the best policy (for most if not all cases). Why be honest when giving out your number (you say you don't like giving a fake one) and not be honest when it comes to your feelings? Eventually the guy might catch on you don't like them, but by then they might have built up expectations and you're setting them up for a larger fall than they would have gotten if you had just told them you didn't like them in the first place. This can be very dangerous for you, as you might lead on the wrong guy and some people can become violent when "let down" by others. The truth in the beginning hurts everyone involved a lot less.
As for this guy, do not continue to be tell lies. By saying something like "I've met someone else and I'd like to give that a try," this guy might 1) give up for now, but continue to call to see if you're interested later because of a break-up or whatnot, 2) realize you don't like him and give up, or 3) get really mad at you for leading him on and do something drastic. Two out of the three aren't too pleasant. Tell him you're really sorry, but you're just not interested; you were being polite, but he's not your type.
In the future, try to remember what happens when you're not up front with things.
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reader, DrPsych +, writes (21 November 2006):
 You are being too nice and that could get you into all sorts of trouble. I have been guilty of being too nice to guys I haven't fancied in the past and it caused all sorts of problems. When guys pester you in clubs just say you are married or have a boyfriend and you are not interested. As for 43 year old pest, just be honest with him and learn from your mistake - you are just feeding his midlife crisis right now. If you don't feel strong enough to tell him the truth just say you now have a boyfriend and he wouldn't like it if you were in touch with another guy...I have used that line a couple of times!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2006): I think you just need to build your confidence and learn to say no effectively and for many of us, this takes time, maturity and developing ourselves. Of course you don't want to be mean and hurt others but you are so wisely realizing how 'not' saying No is hurting ...you. Many times the fear of saying "no" is partnered with feelings of low self-esteem, lack of self, lack of focus. I'm not saying you have no confidence..just that you need build it up more and to believe in your right to say No to others that are asking you to do things, you don't want to do.
And if you are saying no politely to someone, and they react adversely to you...then that is their problem-not yours. And that type of behaviour tells you a lot about them, doesn't it? But remember, you have the right to live your life peacefully and with no one hassling you. If they choose to hassle you-then they are infringing on your rights. When declining or telling this older man"no" and he seems taken back, validate his feelings by stating, " I know this will be a disappointment to you but I won't be able to date you because....." Let him know you the age factor plays a big role here and do apologise for stringing him along. You don't have to give elaborate excuses, you don't have to be rude, but you do need to be forthright , honest and strong. Sometimes it's a real ego boost to some gals, when guys (one has no intention of dating) pays attention to them. But I say, women have to stop doing this game..that's just stringing a guy along and that's cruel.
But I have found in my past dating experiences, men do appreciate a women's straight up honesty..even if it's something he doesn't want to hear. Why? Because they then know where they stand and then they can move on. Good luck, hun and remember, it's always best to be straight up with guys, right off the bat. Don't let it drag out. They may not like what you say, but many of them will respect your honesty and the fact...that you didn't play head games.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2006): Try saying 'BUGGAR OFF' that usually works!
Be very firm and tell him that you want to stay single and this romance is not for you. Just say you don't want to hurt him later and now is the best time to put an end to it. You can decide what you want to do. I doesn't matter how much older he is to you, you have a right to get out of the situation.
Get it said tonight and then it is over, hopefully, if he gets persistant or turns nasty then just phone the police, that should steady him.
Take care xx
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reader, LISAG +, writes (21 November 2006):
 Forget tactful niceties, be assertive, say what you mean, be mean - it won't kill him will it !! Or you could tell him you've met someone else and you're sorry and don't want him to contact you and leave it at that. It's more hurtful to be dishonest and string him along. Never worry about "not being nice" to some people, or you'll live a lifetime of putting people before yourself and it will become a bad habit that you'll regret. For men in the future that approach you that you don't like, just tell them you have a boyfriend ! Or simply no sorry you can't have my number I'm not interested. Men get rejected all the time - they're used to it - especially at 43 years of age !
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reader, I Dont Lie +, writes (21 November 2006):
 I dont think you should try to be tactful and nice in the best possible way, as that got you into this problem in the first place! I really think you should tell him straight forwardly how you feel, like youre telling us now. The moment you feel like reverting back to being 'nice', jsut bear in mind the even bigger mess if you say whats on your mind. I dont know how 'nice' you were to this guy, but for a 43 yr old guy to think he couldve bagged an 18 year old, you mustve given him a good, long go ahead, and of course he took the bait. But hey, you learn from your mistakes.
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