A
female
age
30-35,
*laire1640
writes:I don't even know where to start on this question, I guess i'll just get straight to the point, I have a major 'crush' on a married man, i'm 16 and he's in his mid 30's.. he lives near me so my parents are quite good friends with him and his wife aswell. I'd never even spoken to him until recently when we became facebook friends, because i'm 16 i've been asking him about getting a job where he works ect, but recently we've become quite close and we talk to each other about family, our lives ect. He has an idea that I like him, to some extent due to my parents saying something to him about it, however.. he probably just thinks of it as a 'school girl crush' anyway, what i'm asking is, how do I get over him?? ofcourse i'd love for something to happen between us but i'm old enough and smart enough to realise that it probably wont and that it can't! Everything seems to just revolve around him, for example, my grades are low at the moment because all I seem to think about CONSTANTLY is him! I get asked out quite frequenty by some of the most nicest guys I know, and yet I can't seem to say yes because i'm still hung up on this guy. Please don't say find someone your own age because believe me, i've tried that! I absoluty HATE guys my own age! All of my close friends are moving on and they're in relationships and i'm just still hoping that things might happen with this guy. I know it sounds really pathetic to know that I don't even know him that well, but when I see him and think about him, everything just seems to be okay again and I just feel happy. I know that its probably me reading WAY too much into his actions, but he flirts with me... a lot! And at night, when his wifes not in, he will constantly come to his window and wave to me, anyway. I know what my head wants (to be able to forget about him) but my heart just can't seem to come to terms with that! I think about him more than it's even possible to think about a guy, he's literally the last thing I think about before going to sleep and the first thing when I wake up... i'm sick of it! I just wanna be able to get over him and hopefully, be really good friends with him.. but recently, getting to know him better is just making it way harder. Sorry for it being so long, what should I do? :')
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female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (13 December 2010):
 Maverick is onto something. Make him less attractive in your mind. Also add this thought as well:
If you were to get with him, being that he's married, you would cause devastation and heartache to his wife. You didn't mention if they have kids or not, but if they did, you'd be *really* hurting them.
You'd also be wrecking his (and his wife's) friendship with your parents, and that is not something people would ever get over. Is this your legacy to your family?
Right now he's flirting and toying with you because it's good on his ego to have someone your age find him desirable. So far, you two have not crossed lines yet, but if you keep going on this path, you will.
Finally, let's say your dreams come true and he does start an affair with you. Would you really want someone who's willing to cheat on someone he has pledged love to? That's not a good character trait in a partner.
I second Maverick in saying that you need to divert your attention away from him and fill the void with other things. Your school grades are low....you're already starting to sacrifice your future for this married man. You have to break your addiction to thinking about him, and you need to do it one small day at a time.
You may feel that you can never get away from thinking about him, but in reality, the lifespan of limerance (that intense infatuation that's got you thinking about him 24/7 with an ache in your heart that almost feels like pain) is only about 2-3 years unless you distract yourself, then it'll be less.
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (13 December 2010):
Great that you realize that you two cannot and should not get together. Really, that's the first step to getting over him.
Some things that can help:
- Try to tell yourself that you would not like for you two to get together because that would mean he's not the honorable guy you thought he was.
- Get away from him for a while to clear your head. Maybe arrange to stay with some friends for a couple of days and try to avoid him. Wave back when he waves at you, but make excuses when he tries to chat you up. "I'd love to chat but I've got a ton of homework" always does the trick. Try and concentrate on other things, like hobbies, sports and stuff like that. If you don't have something like that, make sure you get it. You need to keep your mind occupied with other fun stuff.
- Realize the downsides of getting with this guy, even if it were possible:
1. When you're of age, he'll be 40 or atleast near that.
2. When you want to go to college/party/live the student life, he'll want to settle down.
3. While you're thinking about your career, he'll be thinking about retirement.
4. He will be in his late fifties or older when (if you two would ever have kids) your kids have become teens.
Etc. I could go on and on. The idea is to make him as unattractive as possible for you from a romantic viewing point. After a while you'll lose interest in him that way and then you two can just be the acquaintances you're supposed to be.
This won't be easy, but in time your crush will fade.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (13 December 2010):
 I don't doubt you have fallen for this man, who must be a good person.
But, if he is a good person, then absolutely nothing will happen between the two of you. You two are in different stages of life, and he knows it. He knows it much better than you. The kind of things that he wants from a relationship, and those you want from one, also, are very different. So he must say no to any sort of relationship. If he did otherwise, in my books he would be taking unfair advantage of his seniority.
Beyond that, he's a married man.
Maybe you are already past the age of consent in Britain, but a relationship with you would obviously be plan wrong.
We all fall for people we cannot have. We all need to learn to get over that. I trust you will, too.
All the best.
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