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writes: Hope someone can give advice. Fairly recently my husband was caught redhanded cheating. I have been struggling understandibly with all the emotions involved when this happens. He has also done all the expected things - begging for forgiveness, admitting and discussing how he is (apparently now it is 'was') a scumbag and he will never ever do it again, it was a huge mistake etc. Now that things are out in the open he has enlightened me on his past behaviour, with other girlfriends etc and this is not a new behaviour for him! He says that this situation with us is different and although he had done this before with others, he realised after he did this to me that it was wrong. He said he has never felt the shame and guilt that he does with me. Apparently because past relationships immediately parted, and he didn't care, he said that he has never until now seen the devastation it causes because he has always run away. Because he has now 'seen and felt' how wrong it is to do this to someone he can sincerely say he will never ever do it again. Whilst we have huge issues to address now, I still can't tell if what he is saying is real or damage control. I do see that he is reflecting and not terribly pleased with himself, possibly he is having a revalation! The situation has flipped my world upside down and obviously I will struggle with trust issues and forgiveness if we are to get back on track, and we are going to counselling, however;My question is that if you loose all respect for a human being which you are to share your life with, is it even conceivable that you can ever respect the person again? If you know see a person through different eyes, and not like who you now know they are prepared to be, what can, if anything can change your perspective on who they really are to you now? This is something I am not sure how to begin to regain back. I don't quite know whether I need to be more open to respecting him or if that is something I am holding on to, to stop the forgiveness process. If I have now lost respect for the man I loved, how would he repair that, what should he now be doing if he wants to stay together, it seems now that he has to do possibly more than I know he is capable of!Has anyone any insights to this dilema? Different perspectives help me! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2010): perhaps the OP can provide some fedback. what is the staus of her marriage now. has she and her husband made peace and has she been able to learn to forgive him and does she trust him any?
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female
reader, Guayama  +, writes (11 July 2010):
Choices are taken and follow through, according to learned behaviors. Cheating is the result of disdain to others learned at the home front. Parents must teach values to their children and when they failed, results in adults lacking social grace, ethics and respect for other human beings including themselves.
The family institution deserves an opportunity to be saved in our Nation, it is after all the corner stone to the principles our Nation was formed. Far too many families no longer attend service at the Church or temple of their choice. Family can be a father and mother, a single parent, grandparents, or any one guardian providing care for a child or children. Yes, it takes a Village to raise a child.
We must turn good citizens in our communities, in order to avoid delinquency among our youth and afford them the time to reach adulthood as a productive member of his community.
productive members of our communities.
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female
reader, Guayama +, writes (11 July 2010):
Your husband cheated because he was not taught reverence and respect for the family institution. You have lost respect because you have been raised different, and the two differences cannot reconcile with the other. No doubt your husband meant what he told you when confronted. Because the behavior is so deep in him, he is bound to do it again. No doubt that your husband loves you and that makes it harder to accept. Professional help is needed and your commitment to save your family bond. Cheating is like any substance addiction, it is an illness.
It is asking a lot from you for at the end you don't know if he decides to leave you for someone else. You most seat together and decide how important is the family union. How much you are willing to give to the situation in order to overcome his behavior. Make clear what you will not tolerate and how long will you be willing to give for professional intervention. In my opinion the family institution is worth the time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your thoughts. In my world for me to enjoy and relate to anyone has a lot to do with how much respect I have for them. This tends to influence how I feel about anyone, even friendships. I know this will be a huge struggle in my recovery. I have also come way past the blaming me stage - never my fault - never right - this is a struggle in my mind when they get snapped! And sometimes things are not as simple as just forgive him, what to do, what to do, at least now I know first hand the risk! Thanks everyone.
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female
reader, sexi  +, writes (25 September 2007):
 Hi
Even though, im young i can somhow relate to what you are experiencing. My bf and i were going out for months when he texted another girl behind my back (even though it was only an sms, i took it as some typr of betrayal to me)After a cheating experience, the one that was cheated on does lose respect for the other. i have seen it happemn in my case.Iwould never speak out if turn to my bf before our experience but after he did that, i felt as though i had lost respect for him. I took him back but i kept picking on it until one day he said to me that he really wants things to go bck to the way they were, but i am not giving him a chance as i am constantly reminding him odf his mistakes. So i have decided to deal witj it o my own and am trying to get back my respect. In due time he would prvoe he is sorry and that he regrets what he has done, which would make getting you respect back for him easier.
Good Luck,Mail me if you wanna talk
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2007): This is such a tough situation,you didn't mention any children,which is probably a good thing.I was married for 18 years,after the first 8, i caught my husband redhanded,i got a phone message from the other woman by accident,i was devastated,i went through the why's would he.He gave answers of "it your fault, you never paid attention,i didnt care so on" he begged ,pleaded,i had two small boys at the time,stay at home mom,i forgave him,but i have to say,i could never forget about it.With the thoughts of not forgetting,everything i did ,i seen motive,lie's,so on.If he was out 10 minutes later,first thought was i wonder who he is with now.Well with that you both tend to withdraw he is paranoid,of making a mistake,i was walking on eggshells waiting for it to happen again.$ years later, i caught him again,this was a major blow to me,after trying my best to reassure him,i cared and so on, he did it again,now the boys a little older,but still,stay at home mom,homeschooled my kids,so on.I forgave,but by now i have become,inside me,i didnt care,i lost anything i had for him,i no longer seen him as my husband or lover,he was now just the supporter for the house,for my kids.I had no sex drive left.On that note you think ,yes ,3 years later he did it once again.This time though i just laughed about it ,right in his face almost,and said i hope she is very well worth all of you. My boys turned 18,i got a job,got a new life,packed and left. I have to say,the best thing i ever done was finally get my life back.It is the happiness anyone deserves.So if your asking ,if you will ever gain respect back,i really doubt it,when sounds like he has cheated allready numerous times,for he has no respect for you.That will hit you in the days to come when you sit and think about it more.I have to say ,you will think about it all the time,even if you forgive,all those thoughts,every little thing he does that isnt right in your eye's it will all be there as thoughts.I know probably not what you want to hear,but trying to recover from somehting like that is almost impossible it is to much betrayel.
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reader, rcn +, writes (25 September 2007):
 Who knows, it's up too you. Respect is something that is given from one person to another, it depends on if you decide to extend it to him.
Your ability to make choices doesn't subtract because of this situation. Remember, it's not you who chose his actions, he did all by himself. Don't blame yourself, or the choices you make. You should not take blame for choices and decisions someone else does, you take responsibility for your own, just as he has to take responsibility for his own.
I'm still trying to figure out why people cheat in the first place. To me that's going to remain a mystery. I've (i know shocking) been with more than one woman in my time. I haven't found much of a difference between females. I can't figure out, why take the time to go out shopping, when you all ready have the product at home.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2007): I have never had or heard of a "cheating" success story. I am so sorry for your pain. I know firsthand that being cheated on is the worst. Especially those first few days when it is all sinking in. The thought of it makes me a little sick.
After I had been cheated on I became very picky about who I dated. I became very perceptive too and could see right through men and see what they were capable of. But there are good men out there. No doubt about it. But there are bad men too. I don't know how I do it but I just know. I listen to their first few sentences, look at their body language and bingo, I know if you are a cheater or not. And I am always right. And as soon as I detect it you will never hear from me again. The last thing I want is to go through that again. It is the equivalent of gaydar. "cheat-ar"?? Perhaps.
I read baby ducks answer and she enlightened me alot. She brings up a good point, in my opinion, when she distinguishes a cheating episode as opposed to a cheating series. I don't know that it necessarily makes a difference in saving a marriage or not. I mean cheating is cheating. But it certainly makes a difference in the character of the person doing the cheating. In your husband's case, it sounds like he is a life-long cheater as opposed to a one-time cheater. The latter may have "good" reasons to cheat. Maybe his marriage is failing. He is unhappy. Has no sex life. Feels lonely. Always fighting. Fed up. Confused. Whereas the life-long cheater cheats for the hell of it and because he knows or thinks he can get away with it. He has no sense of duty to faithfulness and in the back of his mind probably sees nothing wrong with a little cheating here and there as long as he doesn't get caught. That is just despicable. But that is what your husband sounds like. I guess that is something that you may have to come to terms with and decide whether you can put up with it or not. I mean your husband cheated for the hell of it. And if that is the best reason he could think of to cheat, then there is no doubt in my mind that he will absolutely be more than capable of doing it again.
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female
reader, Cateyes +, writes (25 September 2007):
 I was once married to an alcoholic who had cheated on me with several women. Mind you, I never "really" knew he had during our marriage because of his times when he would get so drunk. When he "finally" after his like 6th attempt to get sober, made his amends...knowing AA as I do being in Alanon (friends/family members of alcoholics), it took him forever to make his amends to me. But he finally did when we were separated (for 1 year), and I was floored when he told me. I was so hurt. In the back of my mind I knew, but probably didn't want to believe it. I was embarresed, ashamed, lost so much respect for him and me....he did so many things that were so hard for me to forgive him for at the moment. But, in due time...I did. I realized he had a problem and so did I with my actions towards him. I accepted he had a disease, like cancer. In order for "us" to work, I had to work on myself while he worked on himself. That was hard, very hard. The problem....while he was working on himself, he was also "working" on another lady in AA, little did I know again. Long story short...we divorced. Now, here is a man who had many "issues" (porn, sex problems, alcohol)...unlike your husband. What do I believe? I believe anyone can change, it's a matter of choice- pure and simple. However, I also believe, there are those that choose not to. My ex is 12 yrs sober and I do believe in giving someone a chance, a chance to prove themselves to you....and being said, if they again choose to screw it up, then, it rests on their conscious, not mine...because I tried and I tried with all my heart to make it work. I did not call him names, I did not get angry...and I did not bring up the past most importantly if I new we were going to work it out. But he chose to sleep with another woman (yet again) which ended our marriage. You have to do what you feel is right and you also must put forth the effort in showing it...and this works both ways.
Mine was not a happy ending, but I do believe that you should try to make it work and if it were to fail, then what you can say and feel good about is that you tried to make it work. You won't walk away wondering...was he really sincere? Only time will tell, and you will know by his actions because he will do his utmost in proving it to you that he clearly does not want to lose you.
Best of Luck and God Bless!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou for your input. I suppose part of my question is as babyduck suggested in that I have lost respect for my decisions as well through this although it is not something that is a familar feeling and therefore is is perhaps more about me and how my decision will inpact on me. I want to hear that it is all now 'fixed' because that's what I want to hear! I also have had my confidence knocked severely in the choices I make. I can't change what he did but I can change my life now. When your emotions and feelings take charge your not sure whether what you decide is for the best. I think I can forgive, I know I can't forget, but I just don't know if I will ever respect him again......
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female
reader, misscandy  +, writes (25 September 2007):
I totally agree with rcn, You need to forgive this guy, if you want the relationship to grow. First ask yourself do u really lobe this guy? You may not possibly forget the incident but forgive him and you will be out of pain, you will release yourself. You'll be the victim of this until you forgive. People make mistakes, and it is his behaviours and actions that will bring his respect back. Do not mock him, blame him or resent him, give him one chance. If he even shows a sign of cheating, he deserves no LOVE at all..
Also I suggest you take some counselling to help you deal with this. Take care, good luck :)
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (25 September 2007):
Let's see, how can he repair this? He can't, it's your behavior, you're the one who doesn't respect him, so that part you would have to work on.
There is no excuse for cheating, and I do not call it a behavior either. Cheating is a choice. People don't just automatically whip their pants down, and park in a new person, without thought. It's an action which takes thought to proceed to complete the action.
I suggest counseling. What's going on with the respect is you've been violated, your relationship had been violated by his actions. If you decide to stay and keep this relationship going, you'll have to forgive him completely of this action, even though you may not forget. True forgiveness will lessen or completely eliminate pain and fears. You'll need to do this in order to have any normalcy in your relationship
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