A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a terrible time trusting men. Even when I meet a man that seems good on the surface, I'm always looking for the hidden strings. My current b/f has done a few things that were "shady" in my opinion -- he was flirting with a friend of mine on-line and even agreed to meet her when he went out of town on business. I confronted him, he said the whole thing was a joke and that he wasn't planning to go through it, (I know, the oldest excuse in the books) but I forgave him anyhow. Since I came into his life, he's kept in contact with one of his ex-girlfriends and I don't approve of their friendship since they used to be f*ck buddies ever since their break up 10 yrs. ago. His last ex also contacts him sometimes and I swear he'd walk on hot-coals for her, so when she calls, I delete her voicemail messages and remove the caller I.D. I am hoping when she doesn't hear from him, she'll eventually stop calling. I hate being so devious but I find myself checking his emails and phone log for suspicious activity and most of the time, there's nothing there. So I'm hoping I will relax at some point and be able to stop checking up on him. Do I have reason to be concerned about this guy, or am I just paranoid?
View related questions:
ex girlfriend, flirt, his ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (24 September 2007):
 I can totally relate! My first husb. was such a dear, never had any female friends, never had ex-girlfriends, like cockroaches, coming out of the woodwork when the lights are off, but then alas, I became very bored with the chap. Enter new b/f who is everything I ever dreamed of, but he's got baggage, meaning several old g/f's he's still friends with, an ex-wife or two he still loves, though claims he'd never go back to. He's also very friendly and caring by nature, so many a stray gal has gotten the "wrong impression" when he seemed interested, or helpful to their plight. It drives me crazy sometimes, and for the first year we were together, I did the same thing - always checking phone messages, looking at his emails when he didn't know it, and eventually I was able to calm down and see that there was nothing going on behind my back. We've been together 3 yrs. and I haven't checked up on him a single time and don't feel the need to now. You will come to a place of comfort if this guy is "the one". Just think about how he treats you in general and keep reminding yourself that he's with you and no one else, and hopefully the longer you're with him, the more sure you will become. Good luck.
A
female
reader, samohir  +, writes (24 September 2007):
 Well, cheking ones mails and phones might be interesteng but it s surely strenuous, and im sure (unless have nothinh better to do) You ll get soon fed up with that!
Think the best way is to ask him openly what he is planning, and if you dont want games, put him into knowleadge, that it is not the way,constant arguing will lead to nowhere..
Good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2007): I think what you need to ask yourself is, how long can you keep this up until he finds he can't trust YOU? Deleting those messages will not seem like a good girlfriend looking out for their man. If you really feel like you can't trust him, end the relationship. But if the feelings of mistrust are falsely based, get yourself out of the paranoid zone before it causes trouble in a relationship that can work.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2007): Well if you aren't finding anything they try and restrain yourself from looking.
I don't think theres a problem with him talking to him ex's. If me & my boyfriend ever break up I can't imagine never talking to him or seeing him again, even if it is just friends. If he had a girlfriend I would never try and take him off her, but he's even said he'd stay in contact with me and no new girlfriend could prevent this - I'm his first serious relationship [and vise versa] so there are no ex girlfriends calling but you know..
With an ex there is alot of history and it's hard to brush that under a rug. If he's going to cheat on you he will despite trying to stop it so if he ever does you can just leave him if it ever happens. But until them try and give him some trust because he doesn't check up on you does he!
I would also recommend councelling because of your insecutities.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2007): This is a vicious circle...i used to do this, emails, mobiles, facebook, phonebill, every possible way of getting some kind of information, that prooved that my suspicions. Sometimes there would be nothing and i would keep looking but sometimes there would be conversations with come girl that he hadnt told me about. But either way, this is not the way to feel better, as it feels like crap.Instead of making it about him being the bad guy, it turns into you feeling more and more insecure, until you cannot stop anymore. You b/f seems a little out of line however,i am not sure about him contacting n flirting with your friend, and especially not with his ex. How long have you been with him? If you are insecure as you say, it seems to me that you need soemone who will make you feel secure constantly. Reassuring you, contacting you, not having any personal and private contact with any other girl, or if he has friends that are girls, that you know them and they become your friends too. I know many will say that is hard to find but i dnt believe thats true. If you have been with this man for a bit and he already makes you feel paranoid and unsure than im guessing he is not the one for you. I dont think you are being paranoid without reason, and i think that feeling so insecure needs a secure partner.But it is important however to note that you need to feel more confident within yourself, which will help future relationships. Unfortunaley we cannot expect our other halves to deal with all our insecurities and fix them for us. We need to try and deal with them ourselves aswell as in our relationships.Good luck, i know its hard.
...............................
A
male
reader, Tommy7  +, writes (24 September 2007):
You're not paranoid, you are just a poor judge of character when it comes to selecting men. I think you need to look at yourself and what you really want.
...............................
|
