A
female
age
30-35,
*urtandUnsure
writes:If you read my last plea for help, you know my situation consists of my latest boyfriend coming forward to tell me he cheated. We've since then Nov 12th, split and I have not talked to him since. Many think 'once a cheater, always a cheater', but I'm a firm believer in good people make poor decisions and have to live with it. My boy was obliterated, and while alcohol is no excuse, I've started to forgive him. I asked him not to contact me til I was ready. I believe Ive reached that point, I have forgiven him, or at least I'm on that path.We haven't talked yet as I'm waiting for finals to be over, but if things work out, and we give it another go, how do I go about rebuilding trust? I know its going to be a tedious process, but how do we begin being friends again to eventually become a couple. What sort of situations should we avoid to better the healing process?He's been my first everything, and so this is all very new to me. Thanks for reading, I hope you can help =] Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, HurtandUnsure +, writes (18 December 2010):
HurtandUnsure is verified as being by the original poster of the question You all have made very valid points, for that I am thankful. You each have pointed out something I've not thought of considering. The drinking point is tough, he's turned down alcohol at every social our mutual friends have attended with him, but alcohol is always present. I don't know how strong a will he has to always say no. There's a lot I need to think about before moving forward with him, thank you for all your advice =]
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): Caring Guy makes some excellent points.
The only thing I want to add is you need to know fully that this is never going to happen again, that the circumstances that led to this will never be recreated.
The one question you have to ask yourself before you can even begin to trust him again is, will he ever get that drunk again? If the answer is yes, then you have a long hard road ahead of you. Because while you may be able to trust the sober him, he can't even trust the drunk him, so how can you?
Just something to consider and a problem I had in a past relationship that was beyond salvation. Everybody is a specific type of person when they drink. Some people become fighters, some people become flirts or trashy, some people become loved up or friendly with everyone. We can't change our drunk type, we are who we are when drunk. As long as there is a chance that he will get that drunk again, then there's always a chance he will cheat again.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (16 December 2010):
You should be asking yourself this question. None of us here know what will rebuild that trust for you.
So, sit down and think about how he can make it up. Does he need to be open with texts and emails? Does he need to spend more time with you? Does he need to explain what happened?
You're the person who has been cheated on here, and that means that you are the one who gets to set the new standards. Clearly you can't go too far, such as banning him from seeing friends and making him spend thousands of pounds on you. But you can set new rules that he has to conform to.
Also, whilst I very much admire you for attempting to fix this, be clear that if he cheats again, you'll permanently end it. A good person will not continually make poor decisions. But a cheater will always cheat. So if he cheats again, don't take him back. And make that clear to him.
...............................
|
