A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Dear cupid,Why should I not expect a virgin as I save my virginity for the right person ? and Why should I get over her past when the girl is not a virgin ? I see there's double-standard on this, People say it's good to keep virginity because it's Important. But also people say it's not Important if a girl is a virgin or not. So now I'm depressed and confused to save my virginity, I mean I don't see any chances to have a equal-sexual-past girlfriend. So now I feel like I'm a real loser that I can't get laid,Now the question is "Is the virginity important or not as people should get over the bf/gf's past anyway ??"Thanks
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2010): i lost my virginity when i was your age with a much older woman. i mean, probably at least 15 years old. was she virgin? i don't think so! but le tme tell you, when i started dating this gal that was actually 1 year younger, she thought i was the God of sex. i had so much experience! finally: get laid as soon as you can. just do it. you are not 18 yet! which is great. you can have sex with all the 15, 16 gals that have fresh fresh you knowhat. don't let it pass. years go by fast. enjoy! find a nice young girl and have sex. if the super cutie one won't do it, find a cutie, if the cutie won't do it, find a less cutie. eventually someone will want your maness.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2010): I understand how you feel buddy I'm 22 and still a virgin and I think about what you just said every day.You know, there is the off chance though that we could actually meet good virgin girls and live happily ever after.Then again the more realistic scenario is that will meet a girl fall in love with her then find out she has already bin with three or four guys. We will probably feel jealous, hurt, sick, and cheated.At that point we will have a choice to make we can ether leave her and hold out for something that may never come, or we can suck it up and settle for sloppy second. Neither of which sound to appealing but that's life a choice between one bad decision and another.Just try not to think about it to much.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2010): If everyone just does what they want while they are single, then the average man gets less sex than the average woman.
Think about the math. Women control the sex, and 100 women don't all want 100 men evenly. Most of the women will prefer a small portion of the most attractive men.
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A
female
reader, confusedlady182  +, writes (15 January 2010):
I mean what happens is, people can think they are with the right person or have sex for other reasons and then their circumstances change. The person you are with is not who you thought they were (I had this with my husband, we were together 6 years and then he became abusive) then you break up and to then have someone judging you after is too much. You may have had sex before but if you meet the right person you forget about any past and they should do the same, whatever that past is because it isn't what is happening now.
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A
female
reader, confusedlady182 +, writes (15 January 2010):
I don't think it's a double standard because the girls aren't the ones who are putting virginity on you, it is a choice for you.
Same as they may have had sex due to a whole host of reasons that are personal to them, virginity is a personal choice for you.
The time you lose your virginity will probably not be the best time anyway. Sex can be special without holding onto being a virgin. You aren't a loser but at the same time there is nothing wrong with them
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 January 2010):
It is totally a double standard.
That's why all the answers here are aimed at telling you to think about virignity differently, but nobody is actually challenging your original point.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2010): Girls only think you are ugly and a loser because you do, that's all in your head, if you think like that then you're doomed to failure.
You're not ugly, no one is, we all have different tastes in everything in life and I garauntee you that you are definitely tasty to some girls but if you don't have confidence then that shows and confidence is what is the most attractive trait in men.
You need to change your attitude my friend, because it sounds like you can't get over someones sexual past because your jealous and think you will never have that and that's just wrong.
A lot of people will tell you to work out, change your appearance, go out and socialize more etc. but you have to a positive confident attitude first, even if you have to fake it for a while you'll soon notice people treate you differently when you act confident and that in turn will give you real confidence.
You're not, you're not a loser, because no one is, it's just an attitude that you need to change and it's actually easily done, just be willing to take the risk and leave your comfort zone.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (13 January 2010):
 You said: I'm a virgin because girls think I'm ugly and a loser. It had nothing to do with religion or families. It's just that no one wants to do it with me.
Well then, two things for you to consider...
First, are you sure that is why they do not want to be with you? Even if that is what they told you, there is no guarantee that they rejected you for those reasons. They may have their own reasons for not wanting sex, and are just using those words as excuses.
Secondly, if you feel that way about yourself, you might drive away women that WOULD want to be with you, but are turned away by your attitude towards yourself.
If you want to lose your virginity, you have to come to terms with the fact that girls that have had sex, wanted the same thing you wanted, and they just had the opportunity you have not had yet. Being angry at someone for taking an opportunity that you would take does not make sense.
Re-reading your first post now, it sounds to me that you simply want your first time to be with another virgin. Is that the case? If so, you are focusing on the wrong thing. You only control your actions, Not the actions of others. I think you are filled with anger and some resentment and are trying to get control over something that is distracting you from finding love in your life. This is common behavior in adult male virgins (I wrote a book on it). This is a behavior habit you need to break if you are going to get past this hurdle in your life.
Learn to be happy for people that achieve what you would also want to achieve. Start there. It will eliminate some of the frustration you feel.
-Frank Kermit http://www.franktalks.com
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A
female
reader, Katiekins86 +, writes (13 January 2010):
 I think you shouldn't focus on other people's sexual past so much. I was a virgin until I was nearly 19, purely because all my boyfriends up until then had been complete di*ks and I didn't want to sleep with them. When I met the guy I lost my virginity to, he felt really bad he'd slept with a few girls, but to me that was silly as just because I held onto mine didn't mean I expected everyone else too. I think your focusing on it too much, i find virginity strangely seems to be more of a big deal at 15/16 then it is a couple of years later when most people are mature enough not to see it as an 'issue'. Are you really happy that you are a virgin? it's nothing to be ashamed of, but at the same time what's the point in hanging on if it makes you feel awkward and inexperienced?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm a virgin because girls think I'm ugly and a loser. It had nothing to do with religion or families. It's just that no one wants to do it with me.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (13 January 2010):
The issue is WHY you beleive in maintaining your virginity or not.
Is it religious? Is it morality? Is it that you hold virginity as a sign of family values?
Once you know that answer, the rest falls into place.
For example, let's say the reason to hold on to virginity is religious based. Then it is the underlying value of religion that holding on to virginity that is what is important. In this case, the virginity itself is important as a reflection of a deeper value, but not the important thing itself.
When it comes to relationships, it is not about finding a girl that is or is not a virgin. It is about finding a girl that has the same values as you do. Virginity is a reflection of those values, so it is a sign, but virginity may not be the value itself.
What if she believes in no sex before marriage. Gets married, has sex, and shortly after the wedding is a widow. She is not a virgin, but if she only had sex with her husband, and refuses to have sex again until married again, then it is the value behind how she governs her sex life.
In terms of "forgetting the past", this is a concept that helps people that are threaten by a persons past. And in some cases, the threat is real. Is the person over past lovers, or still waiting for them to come back? That is a realistic concern for a new lover to enter the picture of getting into a committed relationship. If the threat is real, act on it. If the threat is just your own insecurities, and there is no danger involved, then just "forget it".
Again, it is not just about "forgetting" the past. It has to do with understanding what values that past reflects AND to see if those values are compatible with the value you have in your life.
Hope this helps.
-Frank
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A
male
reader, bharat mehta  +, writes (13 January 2010):
 It is this question on virginity, I was seeking someone who put on record. And, now here it is,... and I am taking chance to say something fundamental on this issue.
I am taking this statement to answer,'"Is the virginity important or not as people should get over the bf/gf's past anyway ??"
No Virginity is not important... IS MY ANSWER...Then, Is there any standard to say something as good against bad?
Yes there is. Do virginity sound extreme pleasurable? Or it sound fearful? Then ask any female or even male, how he/she feel his first touch with intercourse, with virginity?
Pain, in some case horrible pain is the surest answer one will get. If virginity is important even it sound fearful, then it give message that anything approaching 'painful' is good and moral. And, anything sound pleasurable is bad and immoral.
Then why people talk so much about virginity? Because it is religious culture that has made 'pain' as a moral. Jealousy as a moral feeling. Hatred as a moral attitude specially it is directed against someone's sexual act.
So, when husband see at his first night intercourse with wife, that she is screaming with pain and lot of blood, then he will feel pleasure, will feel satisfaction, pride and make this a social point, and society will award him by saying that he is lucky in having pure wife....is the situation created in human relationship.
Then on what special logic one expect his sex life will feel him heavenly happiness??? if pain is moral and pleasure is immoral.
Why female, and specifically wife, choose to be lusty with his lover or 'husband'??? Then why she bother to make sex life a heaven, even when she know it is. If not consciously, but certainly subconsciously, most female do not feel any inspiration to make sexual life a real heaven, she will choose to worry much about job carrier, children, neighbor,church, and much more but not sex. She can have endless talk about platonic love, but not about pleasurable sex. If she seem taking little interest, even then reason is simple: just to make relationship life long for security, and not for freedom of pleasure.
Now you the answerer and many many more on this site have the similar question may judge the reality and arrive at conclusion.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2010): Yeah you should get over her past, because while it's okay to value your own virginity if that's what you want you shouldn't expect others to share your values.
Personally I find nothing important about virginity and never did, to me it was like a food I hadn't tried before but was willing to try it.
People that hold virginity as something special are only working on an ancient tradition that has no basis in reality, because they build it up as something it isn't.
Most people you talk to about their first time will tell you it was crap sex, an awkward fumbling mess between two nervous people that don't know what they're doing, how is that special?
The first time you have great sex with someone you love, the first time you give a girl multiple orgasms, the first time you hear a girl scream uncontrollably with pleasure, the first time you figure out how to stimulate a girls clitoris properly, these to me are by far better milestones than losing your virginity.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2010): Some things on my mind right now that I want to share with you: i trust my thoughts are not inappropriate but i am sure you have read other "heated" exchanges here on DC.
YOU are not a loser......just be proud that you have taken a stand. there is nothing wrong with being selective. just read the numerous posts here with people throwing their virginity away. and people wanting to buy back theirs. if you value yours then great.
i am an adult and i am also concerned/confused when the seasoned aunts here discuss past sexual activities and whether it has bearing on current relationships. I know they say that the past is the past and it doesn't matter how many sexual partners one had prior. And the person questioning the number of past lovers usually get roasted for such comments.
But this is what gets to me, maybe YOU can help me understand:
so ok, we are all advised not be dwell on the number of past sexual history. But in any our aspect in life people want and need to know:
-eg. job interview, the interviewer has a right to dig into your past. what you did, with whom, duration of empolyment, if resigned then why, the list goes on. your history is open to a complete stranger. After a 3 hour interview that interviewer may even find out what you had for supper the previous night. we need to know
-eg. if someone is on a sexual offender list. we NEED to know. imagine getting into a relationship and not knowing about the pervert's past . makes me shudder.
eg. a murderer. somone gets convicted for murder. doesn't divulge. what to do when you are married to this person and then the can of worms gets opened.
eg. someone married and divorced previously. we need to know the past, why imagine if you find out you are wife number 6 (as in a recent post here).
i know my examples may sound silly but i think you get at what I am trying to establish - THE PAST. AND YES the past is vitally important.
BTW, i was a virgin and i am pretty sure my hubby would not have married me if i wasn't. he was not a virgin so in his case DOUBLE STDS. according to the sod (note, i say this lovingly) he said that he wouldn't have wanted another man to know me intimately. HA, but he had the honour of knowing other women . But this was more than 20 years ago. we are both very mature now (i hope) and virginity is not a issue. Trust is key. and this is vital in any relationship.
Another thing about sex- a lot of people find that when they do not have sex prior to marriage, the sex expectation is not great. the reality is that sometimes everything in the life is good except sexual compatibility.
I trust i havn't confused you further. All i am saying is virginity is a choice. Young people are throwing it away like it is a sale. But do not get trapped thinking that if someone is not a virgin, he/she is not worthy. It i just choices we make.
BTW, just one last rant: General statement: I have found ,mostly by reading here on DC that MALE TEACHERS have a new found teaching calling - robbing FEMALE kids of their virginity, and it is called LOVE. these paedos roam the corridors of the schoolhalls thinking it is their right to abuse and steal girls virginities. But these kids are so blind to see that their teachers abuse them by having sex with them . Frightening, but true. Do not look on the streets of any shoddy neighbour for the paedo perverts. They are all in schools masquerading as teachers.
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