A
female
age
30-35,
*anda09
writes:Life has been complete chaos for me in the past month. I am 18 years old and have found my first love. I have been with many guys in my teenage years and have yet to feel as close as I do to my boyfriend. The problems started a few months ago when we found ourselves in constant arguments with one another, mostly centered around communication issues. Every now and then I would ask for help on something like homework and I would feel as if he was a little reluctant to aid me in my times of need. I would as him help with a math problem, for example, and he would look at it and say, "That is so easy! How do you not know how to do that?!" His words were extremely degrading and I told him just that! But he continued to treat me that way despite my please for him to stop. He really isn't that mean of a person at all, so his actions for the past few months have been out of line. Keep in mind that as of the moment we started dating I had never found myself attracted to any other guy... until a month ago. I found myself extremely unhappy with my boyfriends and my relationship and this new guy said the sweetest of things, understood me when I explained a lot of my feelings on various subjects, shared nearly identical political interests, and similar music interests. The new guy and I, along with two of my other friends, took a road trip to D.C. about a month ago and he and I connected. For the first time since I started dating my boyfriend (which has been since January) I found myself liking another guy. And you guessed it... as soon as we got back from D.C., I cheated on my boyfriend. No, I didn't have intercourse with the guy, but we came very close. Also, my boyfriend and I had been dating a little over 9 months and had yet to have sex. My boyfriend is a virgin, I am not, and I have been more than ready to give myself to him for months now.... but he hasn't been. So, sexual frustration and relationship unhappiness combined, I did the unthinkable. At first my boyfriend was more than ready to forgive me, but I was so shocked that I had cheated that I didn't think that I deserved him or that I was ready for a serious relationship. I had never thought it possible for me to cheat on him!!!!!!!! We decided to break up, and during this period I went out and had sex with the guy I had cheated on my boyfriend with. As soon as the night was over, I realized that I didn't want anyone other than my boyfriend. I love him dearly and found myself truly wanting to work the relationship through. I immediately told my boyfriend about the sex, and he shutdown. I told him that I was ready to work things out and that I wanted to be with him, to which he immediately rejected me and told me that it was now my duty to persuade him to be in this relationship. He wanted me to prove my love and make him feel better about everything. Despite the fact that I have been hurting throughout all of these experiences, he refuses to hear that I am in pain. He told me that it's my duty to listen to his problems but that I am not allowed to talk with him about how I feel about everything that has happened. In other words, he refuses to soothe me when I'm hurting. Three days ago I decided that he was right, that this whole thing has completely been my fault, and that it really IS my job to be there for him %100 without him being there for him. But today I am questioning that... He told me that he questions my love for him, but I promise that I have never felt so in love before in my life. I want so badly to have him feel true love for me again. My friend told me that just as Jesus had said, true love provides forgiveness. I'm not religious, but I do believe that if he truely loves me that he will forgive me... Cupids, please help me. What am I supposed to think about this whole situation? Is everything completely my fault? Does it seem like working this relationship out is worth it? He IS my first love and I want for us to try and mend the relationship so badly. I can't see myself with any other!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 November 2010): Yep, The cheating situation is pretty much all your fault up to now. No amount of problems with your BF or connections with some other guy justify cheating, end of story.
Your brief breakup sounds like crap to me. You almost slept with the other guy, then you declared a breakup with your BF, you slept with guy#2, and now you want your BF to take you back after that single day broken up? What bullshit. The breakup was a brief technicality that you arranged so you could cheat. It was totally cheating by the spirit of the law if not the letter. If I was your BF I would say forget it, I don't want a GF that would do that to me.
It sounds like your BF is being a dick now but that's his choice. He doesn't owe you a relationship anymore and if you want one he is in a bargaining position to demand whatever the hell he wants for a while.
Although I'm not saying you should let him continue to perpetually mistreat you if he decides to take you back. At some point in the future you have to be on reasonably equal footing with him again or else it's just an abusive relationship.
A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (23 November 2010):
 Err.. yeh, it is your fault I'm afraid and if you can't handle what it'll take to regain his trust then its time to move on. Do NOT pull out the "if you loved me then you'd forgive me" line to him... he could just as easily flip that back on you with regards to you cheating...
You are human, you did make a mistake, its not a hang-able offense and if he expects you to kiss his feet for months... well then you'll truly begin to realize whether the relationship is worth it or not.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (23 November 2010):
 I dont want to hurt you any more but yes this is your fault at the end of the day you made a wrong desicion, but hey that is life. When you were having problems you should have ended it or tryed working on it not going out and cheating. So i guess it is up to you now to earn the trust back if he really is the man for you, but if he agrees to get back with you he cant hold this against you and he needs to be there for you if you are together, but for now dont ask anything from him just be there for him and prove to him that you do love him and that you can be trusted.
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