A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ok, so I had the issue of sleeping with my ex although I'd already broken up with him. Mainly I just wanted to see him but he wouldn't keep his hands too himself so I'd give into him.Well now, I've officially called it off. I'm done with him I don't want to be with him ever because he's controlling, manipulating, and emotionally abusive although he denies all accounts. But, I now think I'm pregnant. I've missed my period and one day later used a home pregnancy test that came back positive. I'm still not 100% sure so I'm going to wait a little bit longer before going to a doctor. It's possible I'm overreacting which I have a tendency to do.My question is: if I am pregnant I am wondering if I should tell him that I am. I understand he has the right to know but, I would want to place the baby for adoption since I am not able to take care of it as a single mother. Nor is he mentally stable to take care of a baby either. Nor the two of us together. The thing is, I know he'll fight me on the issue since he wants kids of his own, and I don't want to go through the drama of having to deal with him. Can I legally not say anything to him? even if he does want the baby?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 July 2010): Im in the same situation and was dumb and told my ex that I was pregnant.I regret it more than anything.I dont think he would be a good dad with his temper and he is very irresponsible and verbally and mentally abusive.I told him because my parents were making me feel like i was such a burden because i moved in and they dont have much money and neither do I.plus i was hoping we could work things out and he would really work on his temper with counseling but I am not patient and he treats me too bad especially for being the one carrying his baby.Now im going to figure out what I can do to hide from him or keep him away from my baby.
A
female
reader, maxxie +, writes (26 June 2010):
 im 6 months pregnant by my emotionally abusive ex. he has used this to further torture me. you and your baby are better off without him and he will moslty deny its his baby anyways...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2010): I wouldn't tell him. I, myself, am in a situation similar to yours, altough I am keeping the baby. My ex boyfriend is everything you have said yours is, except that mine started getting physical about a month after I found out I was pregnant. When I broke up with him he became worse and starting harrassing me. I had no choice but to try to get a restraining order but the police charged him with assault instead. My point is, if he is capable of losing his temper on you, then he is more than capable of losing it on the child whether it's emotional or physical. No child should have to go through either kind of abuse. Which is also why I would recommend, as others have, to NOT put the father's name on the birth certificate if your state allows it.
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A
female
reader, laetitia  +, writes (19 May 2010):
 He may be abusive or controlling, but you probably aren't perfect either. It takes two people to make a baby after all. I know that you are angry and frustrated with this guy, but the reality is that he is just another human being who has his faults. Your reason: "The thing is, I know he'll fight me on the issue since he wants kids of his own, and I don't want to go through the drama of having to deal with him." sounds pretty selfish and has nothing to do with the good of the baby. You may not want "to deal" with him, but what if the baby does one day? What if your ex-bf would like to make contributions for the baby? By not telling him, you're simply not allowing him the chance to and that in my opinion is not fair!My point is that whether he is good, bad or poor, he is the biological father of that child and he should be given the opportunity to make a contribution for the child if he wants.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2010): Definitely look up the laws in your state.
It depends on the law whether he has a legal right, but personally, I believe that if you feel confident in labeling him as "abusive", he is not a good person to have in your child's life. The fact that he's controlling, manipulating, and emotionally abusive makes me think that telling him about your pregnancy would give him one more tool he could use to mess with you, and then the adoption people, and ultimately the child.
He wants kids of his own but you've assessed him as not mentally stable enough to take care of one. I trust your intuition on this. It is probably right. If it's legally possible, I would say don't tell him. Maybe abstractly he has the "right" to know he has fathered a child, but considering he's manipulative, controlling, and emotionally abusive, I tend toward feeling he's waived his right.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 May 2010): In england if you don't put the father's name on the birth certificate then the adoption agencies etc have no oligation to inform him of your decision. However in the USA it could be different and i would recommend looking up your state laws regarding this matter. How will you hide your pregnancy from him and do you live locally to him??? I know this is terrible but you could get a understanding trust worthy male friend to pretend to be the father and get him to sign away his "rights" etc. Save you the hassel of the adoption people trying to find the abusive daddy.
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A
female
reader, laetitia +, writes (17 May 2010):
You will have to look up the laws of your state. In my opinion he has the right to know.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2010): Your boyfriend really wants kids of his own... Says to me he has a kind heart in him somewhere. I don't know the extent of the abuse but he never laid a hand on you? I think, whatever the laws, he has a right to know he has a child. I suggest after knowing for SURE you are pregnant, talking with close friends and family that know him and see their opinions on the matter- I think these people can better judge his stability. Who knows, maybe having a child will force him to grow up. But you cant rob him of that joy of being a parent- considering he has clearly expressed his want for that.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (17 May 2010):
You would need to find out about the adoption laws in your state. I would have thought that he would have needed to know, but it's possible you don't need to tell him.
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