A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My spouse is 1/2 my age and had an affair with a woman closer to his age (actually his step daughter, my own child). I am 40 and durring his affair he told her, and his best friend and a few other people that touching me was disgusting. He described me as having droopy old lady boobs while hers were perfect, being soft where she was firm, and once said she had a smoking hot tight little body while I just didn't. I am 40 but most people tell me I look 1/2 my age. I am 5 foot 5 and 115 pounds so I know i am not fat.My question is this...after describing me in such ways, and admitting to doing it, he now says he sees a pretty woman and thinks I am sexy, and that he finds the sight of me naked a turn on, or touching me a turn on. If I was so repulsive then how can he not think that now?
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female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (7 October 2011):
 Wait. You just had two people BETRAY your trust!
You should be repulsed by the both of them.
Who cares what he said about your body? Why are you concerned with his feelings and what does or does not turn him on?
Work on the bigger issues at hand. What do you do with this idiot now? How is your relationship with your daughter?
A
female
reader, amenthyst3356 +, writes (7 October 2011):
I am sorry but if he is still around it has to be money. Get a lawyer, get people to testify about the affair and get proof.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2011): Hun, why is this man AND your daughter still in your life?
Who ended the affair? Him or her?
-are they still in contact?
Can u trust EITHER of them again?
Both betrayed u. Both lied to u. Both hurt you.
Your daughter really did the dirty on u.
And for him to discuss you AND her sexually? Come on!
Hun, yes u are a smokin hot 40 year old mama, BUT u don't need this man in your life. This man violated you. He was not man enough when he opened his mouth to others comparing u.
Ditch him and get a real, decent man.
Oh and BTW why did u let your daughter get away with what she did.
We all agree this man is scum, but your daughter should have known better.....
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (7 October 2011):
 I totally agree with Mishmash and KC, you are entirely asking the wrong question. You should not be fretting over whether he finds you sexy or not. The guy screwed your daughter. He has publically sullied your daughter's and your good names. Why on God's green earth aren't you concerned about THAT?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2011): Generally speaking, older woman - younger man relationships don't last. Further complicating this is how young this guy must be. The OP didn't specify her spouse's age, but he's got to be early 20's to be half her age. For many men that's simply too young to be married.
This is a doomed relationship. The only question is who will end it. The OP would be wise to dump this guy, as cheating on her with her own daughter is about the ultimate insult. If she doesn't for whatever reason, eventually this guy will grow bored of the relationship, or decide he wants children, and move on.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 October 2011):
 oh sweetie do you think so little of yourself that you are willing to accept a partner that cheated on you. NOT only cheated on you but cheated on you with your own daughter (her behavior is none too stellar either btw)
40 year old women who have had children no matter how thin they are (and at 5'5" 115 you are beyond thin I"m betting) will have soft saggy boobs.. you've birthed and hopefully nursed a child... childbirth and nursing destroys our breasts...
that's not going to change. The issue is that having a partner of any age that thinks you are smoking hot all the time is critical.. not just when he's trying to "make nice"
why is this affair acceptable?
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (7 October 2011):
 I agree with everyone else - this question is the least of your worries!
This man cheated on you with your DAUGHTER - why is he still in your life? Why on earth have you not kicked him to the curb? Regardless of whether or not he finds you attractive, he has lied, cheated, gone behind your back, broken a sacred family bond between you and your daughter (she is pretty terrible for doing it too I must say, but at the end of the day she is your daughter and you cant disown her, whereas you can with him!).....there is no reason for him to be in your life any more. You will never be able to trust him again, he doesnt respect you, he is still an immature boy - he is not a long term relationship prospect and you need to end this once and for all.
I do have to say this - it is questionable why you, a woman on 40 wants to be with a 20 year old - that really isnt normal. How would you feel if you found out your daughter was dating a 40 year old man? I bet you wouldnt be happy!
There is nothing this boy can give you (and yes, he still is a boy at that age) - he will be immature, selfish....he is at a completely different stage in life and he will want totally different things to you. I cant see what you could have in common with him! Think about it this way, he will obviously be wanting to go partying and drinking, he will still be studying or starting out in a career, one day he will want kids and marriage (which you cant give him now you are 40) - there is no way this can work long term.
Dont you want a real man, someone to love you and treat you with respect, someone you can share interests and hobbies with, someone mature and thoughtful? A 20 year old cant give you any of this, he is barely out of his teenage years!
Look - he is a cheat, and worst of all he did this with your daughter - he has no respect for you or your family, he doesnt love you, he doesnt care about you and he will definitely cheat again if you take him back. So just end this now and look for a man who is closer to your own age, someone with maturity and the ability to think beyond his own d**k.
If you really want an answer to your original question (which is pretty irrelevant) - I bet he is only saying these things because he has been caught and doesnt want to lose you, because (now this is an assumption but I bet I'm right) you will spend a lot of money on him/he lives with you/some other financial reason. I bet you are almost his sugar momma and pay for a heck of a lot of stuff for him, hence he doesnt want to lose the money that you give him. And maybe he doesnt want to be away from your daughter, so if he starts complimenting you again he will get to stay with you, hence closer to your daughter.
Regardless of the reason why he is saying these things, I can tell you now he doesnt find you attractive and he will eventually leave you for another woman closer to his own age - not because you are fat, but simply a younger woman is always going to have better skin, better breasts...all that sort of stuff. I'm sure you are very attractive, and women if they look after themselves can go onto be incredibly attractive into their 70's - but you have to admit, younger women are always going to be firmer, more youthful, glossier hair etc...because ageing does have an effect despite how much care you take of yourself. Whoever has been telling you that you look 20 has probably been exaggerating I'm afraid, no 40 year old woman is going to look like a 20 year old. You might be as slim as a 20 year old, but there is no way you can look that young once you hit 40. You might look like a 30 year old, that would be totally normal, but never 20.
So maybe in your head you think that because you are slim you look much younger, and I'm sure you do look young - but not comparable to women that are his age and I'm afraid you will never be able to compete. Especially because they will have more in common with him too - they will be interested in partying all the time, drinking, hanging out with friends, playing on games consoles...all the sort of stuff young adults and teenagers like to do. Whereas your tastes will have developed and I'm sure you have no interest in partying a few nights in a row or playing games on consoles, there are better ways to spend your time! Often attraction is amplified when you have lots in common - so that will happen with him and younger girls, because he may well already be attracted to them physically but also he will have lots in common with them hence making him even more attracted to the girl.
I really do urge you to leave him - any man that cheats needs to be kicked to the curb, he has no respect for you so get him out of your life and move on.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, muso888 +, writes (7 October 2011):
I agree with the other posters. Dump his sorry ass!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2011): wow. you need to get this repulsive creep out of you and your daughter's life asap!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2011): I think you are asking entirely the wrong questions and inquiring about the wrong person's opinions. Surely you have some input on this subject that is more meaningful.
For instance:
Why should you trust someone who compromised your relationship with your daughter and the unity of your family?
Why should you try trusted someone who cheated on you with your own daughter?
Why should you trust or even contemplate trusting someone who has humiliated you publicly?
He's not worth your questions or your mental energy. You really want to seek reassurance from this man that you're attractive? You're in your 30s...you're not a teenager anymore. I'm not trying to be harsh, but with all due respect to you and the pain you've been through, I'm upset that the first thing you worry about is whether or not he really finds you attractive.
Divorce him and spare yourself, your daughter, and your family the humiliation he's already put you through.
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