A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,6.5 years ago i moved to a foreign country to be with boyfriend (his country). The first couple of years were great but then we start having problems. He has problems showing emotions and hates any conflict so runs away from problems. Me on the other hand.. I am full of emotions and dont mind showing them. Anyway over the years i felt emtionally neglected by him.. We get on v well in terms of sense of humour interests point of views etc. He would do anything and everything for me in the practical sense (even now) he would go out of his way to help me andvsupport me with anything i was doing in my lifenbut he would not be there or with me emtionally. This caused me to become extremely emotional.. I felt insecure that he didnt lovebfancy me anymore. He also lied to me a few times which made me feel even more insecure. He told me he didntbwant to marry or have kids ( but at the end of the relationship that changed and he start saying he does want kids at some stage).I would scream out for him, he in return ran away even more. He would go out partying.. I would see photos on fb of him hugging other girls having a ball. Id get so jealous because he wasnt having fun with me wasnt even being affectionate with me. I would say it to him.. Telling him i need his love i need to feel love.. He would tell me he loves me thinks im fantastic hot etc. ( i am considered to be pretty attractive by many guys) but still he wouldnt be that affectionate with me or want to do fun things with me unless i forced him and then he would have a good time.Got to the point were i was going insane.. I got very frustrated and angry.. Would throw things at him... Even hit him as he continued to go out partying.. I was desperate. So thisvwent on and on to the point neither of us could take it so i moved out. We stayed in contact p but he was still v distant emtionally. I still really love him andvwant him back. However, he says that he has lost hope and we have no future together. Is ther any chance for this relationship or is it over?? asked him his he no longer in love with me. This is his response... "iknow it is very difficult. I do love you and always will, I really feel that way. The pain and sick and empty feeling is unbearable at times. Closing the door on you was one of the most horrific things i have ever experienced. You feel things can be fixed, i don't anymore. I think what you said about your family and they always being there for you, no matter how bad the fights says it all. I don't think you understand how much all the episodes of drama, scenes and pain has affected me. I closed myself off, built a huge wall between us and ran away, tried to escape from it more and more. I can't do it anymore, can't let myself go back to it no matter how much i love you. We will never change and are incapable of truly accepting each others differences. It has gone too far, way beyond far. I long for piece, serenity and quietness. It hurts me so much to see what consequences it has and what U have to go through, but i am so drained and numb, i don't believe there is a fix anymore. You deserve better, deserve for yourDreams to come through, to break out of this prolonging misery and let go in order to have a chance on happiness No matter how digustingly painful. We have to believe time will heal those woundsI just cannot do it anymore, I have to let you go in order for both of us having at least a chance on a normal and happy life and for you to have a chance to have a baby and build a family"Please just your thoughts would do.
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I love you, insecure, jealous, moved out Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, babu3u  +, writes (15 April 2012):
 To me is just sounds like you are both very differently emotionally. In a way your relationship with your ex reminds me of my relationship with my ex. I am also a very emotional person like you. Very outspoken about my feelings and even if I try to hide how I feel I can't. My ex was very different from that. I would get upset about something and he would just stare at me and look cold. When he was upset you couldn't even tell he was unless he was aggressive. He couldn't understand me at all. And I felt like he just didn't care. And killed me inside, I just got angry all the time. We were together for 1.5 and had about 3 breaks the breaks were on his part and to me I thought he was just running away.
I loved him so much, but he was just not right for me. I need it someone that when I cried would hold me, not look at me cold and uncaring. I needed someone who got me. But he wasn't him. After he broke up with me the last time, I found someone new. Someone who is emotional like me and understand me. I mean he is a guy so he does guy things that i have no clue about but he's always there emotionally for me.
You need to find someone who you can relate emotionally. You will always have arguments and fight with the other but at least you both get each other emotionally.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThat a great answer 'female reader, anonymous'. I have gone to a therapist about my anger issues .. but she told me to get rid of the source of my stress/anger and she said my bf was the source.. But that didn’t really seem like a solution for me. We also went to a therapist together. We saw her three times and then she didn’t want to see us anymore. First session she said she we should split up and one of us should move and out and then start dating each other from a distance. In the mean time we went on holidays together when we came back we told the therapist and she said that we did the complete opposite to what she said so she gave us our invoices and told us that that is all she could do for us. Very weird actually. So now my ex thinks we have tried everything (therapy) and that didn’t work so nothing will and he genuinely feels we can never change so has given up hope. That is why I ask whether you think if I give him space and don’t contact him... whether he will want to get back together? However... this week he gave our cat away without consulting me... again I got v upset and angry... for the poor cat and for the fact he didn’t even ask or tell me what he was planning, I asked him to get the cat back and he wouldn’t at first but then eventually did. I know I have a problem with dealing with his behaviour.. I just don’t know how to handle situations in which he does things to upset me.. sometimes knowing full well it will upset me. Sometimes I get the feeling he just takes me for granted or perhaps feel like I get angry no matter what so just does everything anyway. He is overly affectionate with other women when he is out and has a few drinks on him.. He can’t help himself... esp. when I’m not there. Ohhh I don’t know maybe it’s a lost cause
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2012): "I long for piece, serenity and quietness"This is what men want. This is what the next man will want. Volatility, drama, intense emotions, and chaos coming from you will shut any man down and drive him away. Screaming at your man, hitting him, expecting him to fill your emptiness, not giving him his freedom will result in him seeing no future with you and leaving you.Men marry women who are agreeable, who trust them and who are very easy to live with. A calm, kind, peaceful woman is who they picture being the mother to their children. What you brought to your relationship was intensity, drama and anger. There are major biological differences between men and women. Women think drama and emotional intensity create love and bonding, so books and movies reflect this. However, this is what men run from in real life. Men want CALM and NO STRESS in their relationships. I'm not a big advocate of therapy, but in this case I think it would be worth paying a professional to see why you sabotage your happiness and get to the root of why someone else's peace, sense of self respect, their personal boundaries and individual freedom is such a threat to you. It's not healthy and it's not love. It's self destruction and has little to do with him.What I gleaned from your boyfriend's last exchange with you was a great sense of sadness for your future relationships and personal contentment in life. "Any time we talk I am filled with hurt, pain resentment so it ends up in an argument" yet you want him back desperately. Just more of the same of what I was describing. A professional will help you understand better why you are addicted to pain and drama.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJmtmj, so funny that you mention that book. I read it years ago and start reading it again recently. It makes so much sense. I even boughta copy of it for my ex (in his native language - dutch) and sent it to him by post. He told me he would read it but has only read the first page so far :(
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (15 April 2012):
 I read somewhere that when it comes to the range of emotions and such that a person can experience that guys and girls differ. Guys like to find a sweet spot, a comfort zone (if you will), which doesn't encompass the whole range of emotions, yet girls like to experience- nay embrace all the emotions. Whether its true or not- its certainly rung true in my experiences. Some people can deal with drama, some embrace it- (for better or for worse).
If that advice is more or less accurate, then I think that's pretty much what he's not happy with. "I long for peace, serenity, quietness" certainly harmonizes with that theory. I think you guys probably work together, but there's just a bit of miscommunication there. I recommend reading a book called "men are from mars, women are from venus". Its a bloody old book, but bloody good and might give you some perspective on your situation.
Best of luck aye.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn addition to this, I am still living in his country but in my own apartment. I have a good job and am paid well so I am not dependent on him. But I miss him a lot. Any time we talk I am filled with hurt, pain resentment so it ends up in an argument. Pff
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