A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my man 7 years we have two kids. Sometimes he is really mean to them yells at them for nothing an cussin at them. Other days he can be super dad I tell him it's not fair I have to watch my children go through that I tell him he needs to stop . Are there men out there that are just mean to their kids for no reason? He has never hit them or anything I just don't like how he talks to them. They are only 2 an 1 I don't care they don't understand I hate when e does this an he know we get in to fights over this! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (26 October 2012):
 "Are there men out there that are just mean to their kids for no reason? "Yes, usually they have a mental disorder. Like my dad does, he is bipolar, got Aspergers (those are the real diagnoses he's got) and then I want to add my personal diagnosis in addition: paranoia and obsessive compulsive disorder. Whenever he messed up it was never his fault, it was always us kids who had nothing to do with it. He was in a bad mood often (bipolars have the mood swings big time) and again, took it out on us despite us not doing anything wrong at all. He'd also over-react terribly even if we did something small, something that a normal person would have ignored he would get hung up on, and refuse to let it go until hours and hours later. I love my mother, but I have not forgiven her for leaving us alone with him when she knew what he was like. He'd hit her, tried to kill her once by choking her, controlled her etc. Yet she'd leave us alone with him. I often wish she would have had the common sense to not have children with him at all, even though I am grateful for my life. It was a stupid thing of her to do. But she's not perfect, no humans are, and I can't really hold it against her. But this is something that is heavy to carry with you in life, and if you let your children go through the shit my mom let us go through, then they will resent you for it. Doesn't matter if you stand on the side line and tell your boyfriend to behave. You're not actually taking action, your kids know it, your boyfriend knows it, and you know it. Your kids know when they are being yelled at for no reason. I grew up hating being a child, because no one took me seriously, and the adults were being so stupid. My dad in particular. I knew he was wrong, yet no one would stand up for me or my siblings just because we were kids, and kids supposedly "don't get it". Let me tell you: your kids get it alright. They might not know how to speak yet, but they get it! I remember being very young, and not having the words to defend myself, not having the words to talk back, and I hated it, because it made me weak. I was so young I didn't even know the words to say... So your kids know, even if they can't express it. My therapist thinks that this was the reason why I developed a personality disorder, because it was the only way I could protect myself as a child. My brother did the exact same thing as me, we became very introvert, never spoke to anyone, and we grew emotionally cold. And when I mean cold, I mean dead cold. My father could die and I wouldn't care. And I knew that I wouldn't care from when I was very young, I was about 5 or 6 when I first remember I specifically thought to myself "If he dies I wouldn't feel a thing". And this is not just something I say to sound cool, years later when family members started to die I didn't care, I had a friend who committed suicide and I didn't care. All because my dad was mean to me for no reason.... perhaps? Take action and take responsibility before you let this man ruin your childrens mental health. This is abuse.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (26 October 2012):
 @ anon reader of oct. 26 : is this for real ?? I would be so happy to be sure this is a troll, but since I am not, please, anon, do take this very seriously and do ALL you have to do to protect your children. Is he pinching a 3 weeks old newborn? - that's downright SICK and downright criminal ! ( not that pinching the 11 months old is much better... just that so far I had never come across anybody who would physically abuse BABIES). Don't waste time in arguments, just call the police immediately, this sounds dangerous , it could escalate in no time, pretty soon his " pinching issues " may become slapping issues and kicking issues... and , sorry to be so graphic, but that's exactly how we end up hearing on the news about young children battered to death.
What do you mean that you have become an abusive woman... that you hit your bf when he hits the kids ? If it only would help, anon !, in fact you are only reinforcing the message that when something bothers you it's Ok to lash out, and that the one who can hit harder gets things to be his/her way.
Anon, how can you presume you can , say, go out grocery shopping and leave your kids safely with this guy ? he has no sense of limits and no self control, maybe he can be a great dad when he is in a good mood, but what happens if he gets into a bad mood... and you aren't around to watch your kids ?....
If you care about your children, please have him removed from your premises, - or at least LEAVE with your kids. You can't just sit there and wait that he solves his anger problems, your kids are too young and too frail, that sounds terribly risky !
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2012): My boyfriend is the same way to our 2 children of 11 months and newborn(3 weeks old). He has pinching issues and he calls them ugly names like ''shut up dog'' if they're crying. It makes my blood boil when he tells the newborn ''don't look at me, I hate you.'' When I ask him if he really means what he says he says ''no''. He doesn't know why he pinches and says the things he does... And it's strange to say but most of the time he can be a good father, like talk,play and interact with them. I don't know if he does these things to anger me, as it does. I've too asked him to stop and threatened to call the police on him. But he doesn't, so now I've become an abusive women towards him.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2012): If he behaves like this now imagine them being teenagers then you really will have problems protect your kids from harm now and in the future
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2012): "Are there men out there that are just mean to their kids for no reason?"
Men who are "just mean" to their kids are always mean to them for a reason, and it's never an acceptable one.
At this moment, "your man" is an unsuitable father to your children, likely due to his own unresolved childhood issues. The two of you need joint parenting classes, and I would suggest "your man" see a counselor to get to the root of his anger towards two innocent defenseless toddlers.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (15 April 2012):
 He seriously needs some parenting classes. I wouldn't say it's normal for an ADULT to cuss and yell at toddlers.
Also you two may need to sit down and talk about how you BOTH should discipline the kids. Be on the same page.
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A
female
reader, curious1987  +, writes (15 April 2012):
 Yes. my father is. he use to hold knives at my older brother throat, my sum, and there was an incident where he of course threatened to burn the house down with us inside. i was 10 when my nmum got the courage to leave and none of us have ever had contact with him since. BUT he dis threaten us all for years after they divorced. im saying this coz i think sometimes the early warning signs are there, and need to be taken notice of. my fathere hurt us coz he knew it would hurt mky mum more then hurting her. be careful that this is not the start of worse.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 April 2012):
 he sounds like he just doesn't have coping skills.
can you take parenting classes together to help him learn?
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (15 April 2012):
 He's cussing at toddlers???
Sorry, but I'd break up with a guy who did that if he refused to quit. Verbal abuse can be just as damaging or even moreso than physical abuse. Those are just babies, and he's going off on them like that??
Your duty is to your kids first, and if you can't protect them from this abuse, then I'm sorry, but you're a terrible mother. You stand back and let them get railed on. You get into fights with the guy, but in the end, you do nothing.
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