A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I love one another very much, but we have communication/understanding problems due to cultural differences. My parents and I are both Korean American, and he is a Korean international student from Korea. Although my parents and I visit Korea every year and I'm familiar with the culture, I'm still 75% American on the outside. This has contributed to a lot of misunderstandings and arguments between my bf and I. Although we try our best to understand one another and both feel that cultural differences can be worked out and compromised with time, what can we do in the meantime? Some examples are that I uploaded a photo of him online to share with friends. I'd drawn a fake mustache on him just for fun, but he flipped out saying Korean girls would never make fun of their bfs and that it's degrading. I was hurt/shocked with his harsh reaction and didn't apologize right away, although it may have been better to swallow my pride and say sorry.Another time he texted me saying he was upset because of me. I asked him why and he'd only begun explaining when he disappeared for a few hours, and returned saying that he was really busy. I was so angry at him for making me worry.Many many times he has told me that he's hurt because he feels that he cares for me a lot more than I care for him. But I actually feel the exact opposite! We both think that we are really good/sweet/loving to one another but neither of us think so. I actually think he is quite rude at times. I think due to cultural differences, we have different expectations for relationships and different ways of showing our affection. So we don't exactly notice when the other person is being caring. It is mostly cultural differences or does personality play a big role? I'm very much in tune with Korean culture and dating Koreans, but I think there are deeper things I need to understand. I would love any perspective on dating a Korean, east Asian, or a more conservative culture as an American/westerner! I think understanding takes time but any tips in the meantime? Also, most of our arguments are via text or messaging. It's bad I know, but for some reason our problems always arise when we talk via typing. I think it's because we talk about deep/serious things via typing and in person we just study, hang out, watch a movie, flirt, etc. I do know that typing is easier for him to communicate. Although his English is far superior than my Korean, he is not fluent, and when typing he can occasionally use a dictionary. How can we make our relationship work?
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male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (16 April 2012):
 I believe it's not a problem of culture, but personality.
A
male
reader, corbandallas  +, writes (15 April 2012):
This sounds very similar to my last relationship. I'm a Canadian and I was dating a Korean woman here on a working visa. We had so many issues, we probably had an arguement once a week. She thought I treated her poorly, I thought she was disrespectful, and she would say that she would never fight with her boyfriend. Some of the arguement were completely ridiculous, but she could never relax, and things never got better. We ended up breaking up because we seemed to be hurting each other all the time.I think you two will either grow to understand each other and accept each other's cultural and individual differences, or you won't. I believe the key is patience, but both of you have to be patient and understand, it can't just be you. With my girlfriend I told her that we're bound to have arguments and missunderstandings, but that we should do our best to undesrtand each other and know that we're not intentionally trying to hurt one another. Didn't work!Best of luck! I hope it works out:)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2012): Ok. Take this in deep.
This is not because of a cultural barrier.
This is because of communication problems.
Placing the blame on cultural differences is often a cop out. And a really stupid one (but easy to do).
Just stop and think. How many people are having relationships in Korea now? How many of them are completely amazing and perfect, without single room for improvement?
My point is, if he were dating a korean woman, the same problems would likely rear their ugly head.
I mean, it's like basically saying there is something "right" with millions of korean women and "wrong" with you.
My advice is to try to not let either of you think of or blame cultural differences, and instead focus on nurturing a relationship between him and you, overcoming the differences you two have as --individuals--.
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A
male
reader, MikeEa1  +, writes (15 April 2012):
 I don't think its about cultural differences. I've dated women from many cultures and i'm very culturally aware. i rather fancy janniepeg but shes got a boyfriend. This is about interpersonal issues. you both have values and you must both respond to each others cultural values. he cannot ignore yours. you must be accepted as you are. his english is unimportant. people learn to understand each other. what they don't learn to do is understand that they need to accept their partners values. you don't have to compromise all your values. you both have to adjust to see if you can fit.
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