A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I've known my male friend for 3 years. During these 3 years we've been hanging out alone together, going to eat, cinema etc. I know that he used to like me (more than a friend) but I was never interested in having a relationship with him (as i'm not physically attracted to him). A few months ago, he got involved with a girl so he got a bit distant with me (since I assume he was busy with the other girl) but they broke up just a few months later (as she went back to her ex). He was hurt and now we've started to meet from time to time again (like we used to do before he met this girl). Yesterday we met and his phone started ringing. He didn't answer the call though (he hung up on whoever was calling him) and I think it's because he didn't want to speak to whoever was calling him in my presence.I feel that I'm getting too close to him now and I often miss his company. I told him that we should hang out more often but he seems he wants to keep me at arm's length kind of. He replies to my msgs and we do meet but he's also a bit distant. When we meet, we spend like 3 hours together and then he tells me that he has plans to meet his friends afterwards. I'm now asking myself why I'm getting irritated because of this. If I really like this guy as just a friend, then I shouldn't worry about this, right? On the one hand, I fear that I've started to fall for him, but on the other hand I'm not really physically attracted to him (he's just ok) so I can't see myself getting intimate with him, having his kids and so on.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 September 2009): Don't worry, i have these feelings all the time. Once therewas this boy who liked me, and i didn't like him back at all, and he would flirt with me and i would be acting like whatever, but then i found out that he got a girlfriend, and i got super jealous but i didn't like him one bit. I think the main reason why i got jealous is because he found someone, and i was lonely looking for the right guy to come. Maybe that's what your feeling too. maybe all you need is a boyfriend or love, and once you have that, i guarantee you that you would completely forget about this guy. Good Luck [=
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2009): I agree with all of your postings. however it is just ironic that when two people feel this way with each other and one of the parties is married, it is considered ouright wrong and unthinkable.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all your answers. The idea of having a talk about our 'friendship' with him is a good one. But then again, I need to be sure of my feelings before I let him know that I want to date him. I'm so confused and I'm not sure whether I should go ahead and start dating him. Therefore, I need to see what I want before talking to him.I care about him and enjoy his company but I'm not sure whether I'd be happy to be his girlfriend. I'm still young (I"m 23 years old (he's 30) and I feel that I don't want to settle for anything less than I want...I'm not looking for some hot supermodel guy as a boyfriend but I want a guy that I'm physically attracted to too (besides the good personality)..is that too much to ask for?
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male
reader, Heartbroken in love  +, writes (6 September 2009):
I always tell my friends and people I am close to that the chance to meet, fall in love, and possibly marry your "Best friend" is one of the best things in the world in the romance department. If I was dating a girl that the person she considered her over all best friend was a man I would be hesitant to date her. The love you feel for him may be different than what you are used to. The best advice I can give you is if what you feel for him feels as though it could be ever lasting and he has feelings for you back. Why not give him a chance. Ok so the hurdle of not being physically attracted to him. Unless you simply find him atrocious looks simply aren't everything. If your going to let something as small as looks get in your way of being with this man you care about and cares about you I feel a little sorry for you. If you start dating and things don't really seem to be happening for you then you will know. If you do take this route my advice is do not compare him to the feelings you had for other men before him that you were instantly attracted to. This is different and it will always be diffferent from other men you have dated. This is your friend and he will always be your friend only it could turn romantic. Hope this helps
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (6 September 2009):
 I had a very similar thing happen to me. I have a friend who I used to hang out with alot. I thought I liked him more than a friend but he told me he wasn't attracted to me "like that". He got a girlfriend and I was a little jealous not because he was happy but because I was history. I was hurt. That was two months ago. Now he and the girl have cooled things down and he has been calling me to do things.
But during the haitus I have realized that I am not attracted to him and I only want him as a friend. I will not make the mistake of letting him in my life as much as he was in the past because it hurt too much to be abandoned. I know it sounds silly but I think you are just going through those kind of "left in the dust" feelings. I am sure you miss the companionship and he probably does too. If he had stronger feelings for you he is keeping his distance so he doesn't fall for you again and you not at all for him.
I used to joke with my friend about being a placeholder...in his life until the right one comes along. Looking back, I wasn't too far off. I will not allow myself to be wrapped up in his life to the extent I was.
Platonic friendships are very hard because when you spend time together and get along, it is inevitable that one or the other develops stronger feelings.
Treasure your friendship and I believe eventually you will both find your place with each other.
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A
female
reader, Duckyhelp  +, writes (6 September 2009):
 I think you just see this guy as your best friend, and you maybe expect him to feel the same way, so when he says hes meeting other people after you feel your more important or whatever, but dont take it personally.
Guy friends tend not do be as interested in their female friends as much as theyre male friends or girlfriends.
The feeling you feel towards your friend is that of just friendly, you enjoy his company and when you are apart from him, you miss the fun you guys have, this is perfectly normal, and not something to think to hard into.
I hope i helped you
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A
male
reader, urbanking99 +, writes (6 September 2009):
I think you like him more than you care to admit because of the previous time you spent together. Even though it was only on a platonic level.I know from experience that it is not easy to maintain a platonic relationship especially if one of the two of you have greater feelings toward the other person and that it is not shown in return. However if you are both open and honest with each other you will respect each other and do what you have to do in your life to satisfy yourself.With reference to your meetings for 3 hours and then him going to meet friends maybe this is his way of gently letting you go, but still maintaining a friendship that you will both find rewarding and one that can be maintained for a long period of time.You and he need to sit down and talk openly and frankly about where you both are with each other and what your expectations are from your friendship.Let us know how things turn out.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2009): I used to have a similar relationship. We were really good friends through school and used to spend a lot of time alone together, just hanging out. I knew he liked me and lots of people assumed we were dating. However, I just saw him as my best mate - I didn't find him attractive physically. When we got a bit older he started having girlfriends and we grew apart - this was a combination of us going to different colleges and because his girlfriends took up more of his time.I went to Uni and didn't see him for about 4 years now I'm home and I see him a lot as we still have the same friends. We are both living with our partners and are very happy. I do think though that he was the first person I ever loved. I just didn't see it at the time. I hope this helps
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