A
male
age
30-35,
*he badluck clover
writes:hello. ive been here a coulpe of times. asked my questions. got great answers. i need just one more. as much as i turn to this site i hope this to be the last time. it is a bit long but please bear with me. i need help. my first real relationship. we were in love. or atleast was a teen love. yet still we had the same taste's, we clicked so to say. one night, i asked to come over. she didnt wanna drive. i forced her. she was killed in a car accident at 16. i was 17. i felt so many emotions it was overwhelming. her parents read her texts messages and blamed me. her mother cried to me and told me how much she wishes we never met. all i could feel was anger. the day i was to testifie i met the man who did this. i lost control. everything happnd too fast to fully recolect the entire scene. but i broke his jaw and injured his neck further than it was, then broke his right rib. i was arrested and put in a holding cell. the man got off with probation. i was put on house arrest, probation, and court ordered therapy. i was stuck in my house until i was 18. a year after my 18th bday i met another. she fullfilled a hole inside me. made me feel ways i never thought i could feel again. she moved away from me. to a different country. i couldnt even go back to work. i quit my job in order to get a change in scenery. at my new job i met a girl. i dont quite know what she would be considered. we did have sex. i was intoxicated and so was she. we regretted it after and agreed to never say anything. at this point i became something. i cant feel, or if i do i dont know i am. i cant think straight. i think i am in a state of deppression because i feel 200lbs heavier. after yet another year goes by, i met a girl online. i wasnt looking. she looked past all my masks so to say. she saw the real me. told me she loved me. something happnd then. i was happy. we unofficially dated for bout 4 months. she lives in a different country. she flew in for a heavy metal concert at the same time i was visiting family in the same area. we met in person and spent a week together. i kinda blew off my family for her. soon after we got back to our own homes. she changed. she told me she couldnt be with me and just wanted to be friends.... i dont feel a thing this time. please help. im numbed. is there something seriously wrong with me? i cant afford any kind of help so this is the only way i can get some kind of peace.
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reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (6 September 2009):
 That is a massive, gracious plenty of personal tragedy right there.
First of all with your teenage girlfriend. I am so sorry she got killed. There was no way you could've ever known that she would die as a result of you making her drive over to you.
The tragedy was compounded by the fact that you went crazy and beat the man who killed your girlfriend and severely injured him.
Now two people were hurt, besides yourself.
That's got to weigh heavily on your heart.
So starting with this issue, you need to learn to forgive yourself for your teen girlfriend's death. This was something you never intended. Ever.
As far as beating and severely injuring the man who killed her, I can only empathize. You loved this girl and all of the emotions of the loss, her mom crying and her parents reading your texts to her, coupled with your desire to protect her by attacking the man who killed her, obviously blew up in an instant. You had the weight of the world on you because, I think you're ashamed of what happened.
Shame is a powerful emotion. You punish yourself because you think you failed somehow. Eventually, though if you let go of that pain and the shame, you can lift 150 lbs of that pain right off your body, right there. Its hard and it takes some soul searching, but like I said, you were in a series of unfortunate events the results of which were never intended but tragic nonetheless.
Second. You can't get into any relationship with someone without first loving yourself. It seems to me you don't have a lot of self-love and your self-esteem seems a bit low because of all of this. You need to work on building yourself up a bit. The more self-esteem and self-respect you can build into your life, the easier it is to get back into a normal relationship with another woman.
Third. Internet "dating" is kind of nutty. You need to focus on meeting women in your area, where you live. Dating is personal and you can't do that with people who live in a foreign country. Its not realistic. You need someone who is going to be there for you, and you need to take special care to be there for her. There are real needs there and they have to be met on both sides.
Fourth. Try doing something to rebuild your character. I know this sounds kind of weird coming across like this. But you need to have strength of character. I am going to recommend that you find some kind of group or fraternal organization in your area to do this. The Masonic Blue Lodge is a starting point and there's one everywhere. The basic premise of their organization is to build character, and judging by all of the tragedy you've laid out here, you need to find a way to deal with all of these issues. The Masons are pretty much an easy group to join. If not, try looking for the IOOF or the Knights of Pythias or whoever.
If you're a churhgoer, then volunteer with one that has some sort of mens' group to help you do this. Character building requires being with some group of people that can guide you and give you the basics about being strong mentally and emotionally.
I know you don't have money to deal with this, so that's why I suggested a fraternal group or a church.
Finally, I think if you abuse substances like booze or drugs, you need to stop. No one can be happy while they're under the influence, but they will always be unhappy if they're abusing. Substances take away your natural ability to be happy and you need to be happy inside to attract and keep a good woman in your life and maintain love between you.
That's about the best advice anyone can give you. I hope it works.
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