A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:When do you consider someone 'gay'? And how should it change my friendship with him?I have this good friend. Sometimes he and I hang out together, and sometimes him, myself, and my wife hang out. We've even taken him with up to amusement parks, lakes and stuff with our 2 kids.I just found out that he has given 'some' handjobs to guys and gotten some also. He won't tell me if it was 'way' in the past like high school, or college years, or if he is still doing things like that. He does date women, but he never says anything about doing it with them, and I'm kind of sure he's never spent the night at a females house.1st, does this make him gay? Not that that in itself would bother me, but him and I are close and have seen each other naked. Not in a sexual setting, but like showering at the gym. Changing into swim trunks at the lake and just casual stuff like that. I don't even think about it. I have no problem with nudity, but now that I think he's gay, I'm very uncomfortable being that open with my friend.I still want to be friends with this guy, but if I start acting 'weird' around him when we do things that require getting dressed/changed I think he'll think I'm homophobic or something.Also, Do I tell my wife? I'm not sure how she will react and will probably want me to stop being friends with him.Or should I just keep being friends with him and not worry about the nudity. It's no big deal to me, but now I feel like he would be looking at me in a 'strange' way. And if I don't tell my wife and she eventually finds out, then she will be mad at me for keeping something like this from her, and I don't want her to think I was 'hiding' something. Help....
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male
reader, unknown2u +, writes (14 February 2012):
If you've known him for that long and never picked up a vibe, then even if he's gay you're not his type. You'd have been able to tell, particuarly when naked, if he was looking too much, or trying too hard not to look. I don't see a problem here.
Ya, you should probably mention it to your wife for exactly the reason you mentioned -- that you don't want her to think you're hiding things from her.
A
male
reader, Pingu22  +, writes (14 February 2012):
I guess it's up to you how you allow it to change your relationship.
As I see it, you made a false assumption about him; you saw him as a straight male, a peer, and know you know otherwise you feel like it has to change the boundaries of your relationship. But it really doesn't. He probably doesn't find you attractive anyway. And if he does, that doesn't mean he wants to act on it. The fact is eroticism sometimes exists in all sorts of relationships where both parties know it would be inappropriate to act upon and neither wants to in the slightest - between a father and daughter, for instance.
So no, I don't think anything necessarily has to change, unless you really are uncomfortable in which it inevitably will. Which is understandable, and I think most straight men would feel like this. But it is unnecessary, I think.
As for your wife, just tell her honestly, you didn't know and now you're finding out. If she wants you to stop being friends with him then that's pretty insecure of her to be frank - though of course, you're gonna side with her even if she is being unreasonable because she's your wife and presumably means a lot more to you than this friend.
I can totally understand how this is putting you in an awkward situation and how it would make sense if you chose to end the friendship, but there's really no need, and if you enjoy hanging out with him then it's kind of a shame.
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