A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I are celebrating our second wedding anniversary in October. We have been together for 6 years and have two beautiful but trying daughters. This weekend we had a huge fight and when I confronted him about the fact that he doesn't try at all in our marriage he said, "I don't want to". He's a wonderful father and provider but we both plays our roles and contribute to make this family work, I just believe we should both be making the marriage work as well. I know we get tired and things get busy but it wasn't a case of, "I don't have the time". It was, "I don't want to try". Later on he came up to me and said he thinks he doesn't want to try because I am so sexual and I drain him and if he's not horny he wont want to make an effort because he wont be interested in the reward????? Our sex life has declined drastically because of his low libido and have compromised and compromised and compromised but apparently it is still too much, although that only gets brought up in fights. I just want other peoples opinion on this love vs. horniness thing.
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anniversary, horny, libido, sex life, wedding Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2013): There is a strained connection between you and your husband.
Unless he has an undiagnosed illness; he's far too young to be suffering from a drop in testosterone level.
He is telling you in no uncertain terms that he is tired of the marriage; therefore, he is tired of you. He is "drained" (mentally and physically) of his desire for intimacy with you.
You are the only one who wishes to make it work. He has literally told you he doesn't want to make it work. He verbally abuses you. Your sex-life is declining; because
he is now putting his actions behind his words,"I don't want to."
By these words, he has officially closed you out.
You can't "argue" a person back into caring. Fighting only proves that your marriage is in trouble. You're desperate.
I don't believe his libido is declining. He no longer wishes to express his physical love for you. He offers no signs of affection in or outside the bedroom; because he doesn't feel any inclination to express his love by any means.
So he will wait until you finally give up; and then you will ask for a separation, or divorce. I doubt this is a matter of uneven libido. I see signs of a failing marriage.
A husband just doesn't say such things to his wife.
It would not be fair to say he doesn't love you anymore.
I suspect he just doesn't care as much for the marriage.
I ask you to stop and think. How much will you take, before you realize this man no longer wishes to be married to you?
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female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (2 September 2013):
 Based on your last update, this sounds exactly like my first husband (I've only had 2 and am still with the 2nd :D).We were together 6 years and after the birth of our first child we never went out as a couple, had alone time together, went out to dinner etc.After baby number 2 things were worse and I put it down to lack of funds, tiredness, and stress.After talking to friends with young children I realised that it was important we make the effort to spend time together as a couple.I approached him and said I thought we needed to talk about us and make more time for each other. He made excuse after excuse not to spend time alone with me and I became very low and depressed.I eventually confronted him and told him I thought he was being evasive and why didn't he want to spend time with me. His only response was if I was unhappy he would give me a divorce!He never talked about it after that and despite months of me trying he became cruel and hurtful, making nasty comments and putting me down. After 6 months I packed his things into a case and drove them to his mother's house.When he got home I told him to follow his suitcase. He did and my life suddenly got a whole lot better. I'm not saying this will be your scenario, I hope it isn't, but you do need to talk properly and discover what you both expect from each other, what you want from each other, then work out how you can make it happen.Provided you can communicate together, I'm sure things will improve, marriage is tough with young kids.You may still benefit from couples counselling.I hope this helps AB x
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (2 September 2013):
 Reading your last follow up I see that he is all hung up on the sex issue, being insecure with his ability. He tried hard to blame it on you.
Sex is draining for both sexes. You see it as a way to connect but it is not worth it for him because he feels emasculated each time. There is no excuse to the hurtful things he said to you. If someone said I was the worst thing that happened to him there is no other choice but to give him space.
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reader, Ayan Ganguly  +, writes (2 September 2013):
 You got to get something very clear, life moves in ebb and flow. And the problem with a relationships is the harder you try to control them the more messed up it becomes. A good relationship is like holding a handful of sand, the more harder you try to close and hold it the more it slips out.The question that you seek to get answered is point less because does it really matter what it is,what matters is what you want and how you try to make it work out.Sit down and talk to your partner, there must be something thats really bothering him,sex is performed by the body but functioned by the mind, try and talk with him show him that you are the same person that he fell in love with 6 years ago and the magic would come back,all the best..
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reader, ModelCitizen +, writes (2 September 2013):
Reading your follow up, it sounds to me that your husband views making an effort with you as something to do in order to get sex. Since he is happy in that area, he obviously feels no desire to do anything to please you.That is not on at all. Spending time together should be a given between a married couple. I can understand that life sometimes gets in the way and it takes a bit more effort to make it happen, but that's not what this is. He's basically saying that because he's sexually satisfied he doesn't want to put in any time or effort to fulfil your emotional needs.That is horrendously selfish! I think it's time for a serious coversation. Try not to let it turn into a fight, keep calm and state how you feel. He needs to understand that 'I don't want to' is not an excuse for ignoring you and your marriage. Your needs are just as important as his, and as your husband he should do his best to fulfil those for you.If he refuses to listen, then I'd seriously think about what you are getting from this relationship. If he doesn't 'want to' listen when his wife is saying she is unhappy, then I would ask if he 'wants to' find a new wife.
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reader, janniepeg +, writes (2 September 2013):
You want to feel chased again. You knew each other for 6 years, it is hard to duplicate the feelings you've once had that now you take them for granted. When you spend quality time together you enjoy each other for the moment, not because there is sex as a reward. I get a feeling that even dating as a couple is draining for him.
I gave it this title because you said your sex life has declined dramatically.
My opinion is that even when you don't feel like trying you still do the things, to make the other person happy. That's true love. But not everyone is able to do that. On your side maybe you can show love to him by giving him space. It is a hard concept but this is maybe what he needs right now to feel happy.
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reader, hijacked_dignity  +, writes (2 September 2013):
 And I'm sorry, I meant to state in the first sentence that it isn't the case. :)
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female
reader, hijacked_dignity +, writes (2 September 2013):
As much as society would like us to think men are just sex machines who are ready at a drop of a dime to sex us up, its the case. Love and sex go hand in hand, so I can understand why it is so frustrating when the partner you love isn't willing to preform as much as you would like. But you two are totally different people apparently when it comes to sex. Stress plays a big part in libido, and seeing as you two have kids and I'm assuming he works, he is probably pretty stressed.
Are there signs that there is something else going on? I'm assuming this issue has nothing to do with trust, just his lack of sex drive. How long has it been since he had sex with you? If it has been an insane amount of time (like months) then maybe its time to sit him down and calmly talk about your sex life. No fighting. No yelling. He might give you clues to how you can help get his libido back. There might be something deeper going on that you don't know about, and as his wife you might be able to help.
I know it can be really frustrating when a couple's sex life goes a little cold, but you can work on it. Let him recharge for a little bit and see what happens.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI’m sorry, this question wasn’t really worded entirely correctly.
My issue is not with the amount of sex we have, or don’t have. My issue is with other things that I think are important within a relationship. For example, my husband and I have not gone out for a meal or spent a single night just the two of us since our wedding. Before, he would say that we don’t have the time or the money. However, if other people invite us out we go and we pay for ourselves. It’s all the other little efforts that we used to make for each other and the effort he used to make to fix fights as well.
Now when we fight, he pushes and pushes and says the most hurtful things like yesterday I got told I was the worst thing that ever happened to him. Before he would feel bad when he pushed me to tears and now he just mocks me.
Yesterday, I was told he simply does not want to make the effort (to do the above things) and then he said it’s because I drain him sexually. That is why I said if he is not horny he will not make the effort (to keep me happy in none physical ways) because he is not interested in the reward.
This sounds ludicrous to me and I would like to know if anyone else can see his point?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm sorry, I didn't post this question correctly and the title the administrators gave doesn't really give it the correct question either.
My problem is not that he does not try and have sex with me. It is that he doesn't try in other area's of our life. We have not had a night alone since our wedding and he has told me he does not want to. We do not go out to dinner together because he says he does not have the time or money, however if we are invited out by other people we always go and always pay for ourselves.
He does not want to build on our relationship emotionally and what he said was that because his drive is low and because I drain him, he does not want to make any effort with me (other than the sex)
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reader, janniepeg +, writes (2 September 2013):
I think he is telling the truth that a lot of men would rather hide it with "I am tired and stressed out." His love is shown in other areas, mainly because he has to and his kids are reliant on him. You have a higher libido and want more sex, and you want more children. It seems he wants neither at this time of his life. He does hope he has a higher drive. The love vs horniness thing can be two separate things. Love can be a conscious act. You can make yourself hug another person, you can but flowers and spend quality time together but you can't make your penis go hard on demand. It has a mind of its own. There are horny men but that doesn't mean they are loving to their wives outside the bedroom. If you are able to get both love and frequent sex, and family man too, then you hit the jackpot.
Just hope that your frustration won't end up it fights, as they don't really solve anything. You can't change his body chemistry unless you make him take Viagra. He can only initiate sex if you pull back completely.
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reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (2 September 2013):
Has he lost his libido or has it always been low?If he's lost it he should maybe see a GP, lose weight (if he's gained it) and stop smoking (if he does). If it's always been low then his GP may be able to give him something to help.The problem is he doesn't want to do anything about it and that's where I actually think the problem is.He shouldn't blame you for having a higher libido than his (most men would be thrilled). I also think his attitude to sex is very selfish "if he's not horny then he won't be interested in the reward" What about you? Your needs?Although intimacy and sex are not the be all and end all in a marriage, it is important that both partners are happy with the balance.Not having sex should not prevent him showing you affection and if you had a good sex life I can't see why he wouldn't want to rediscover that unless he's using it as an excuse to hide behind.I think you need to have some time, just the two of you, to really talk about your marriage and how things are. You may decide you need couples counselling.Whatever happens, don't blame yourself or sweep this under the carpet, it needs to be dealt with.I hope this helps a bit AB x
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to clarify, the administrators have not understood my question and have not really given it an appropriate title.
The problem is not how often my husband and I are intimate, the problem is that he says he does not have the desire to try with me (going out, spending time together, holding hands, sending text, etc) because we have sex too often and if I allowed him the time to "build" his drive he would want to try.
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