A
male
age
30-35,
*ntPain
writes:I'm not sure what to do, I'm in a boat I've never been before.I've been getting close to a friend of mine all summer, we both knew she was moving away to university 200 miles away and I gave her the option of either making things a proper relationship and going long distance or to end things early on so neither of us would feel torn.We never decided on either, I've helped her a lot over the summer with money, emotional support and being a boyfriend figure and she wanted to leave it til it was long distance until deciding what to do.She's now left for university and I'm stuck about whether to try and make it work or let things fizzle out/end it.The biggest problem is there's another girl who is, if anything, a better match for me, she's local, kind, beautiful, we have more in common etc and I do really like her.The problem is basically, I'm now not torn by the distance but by two girls...one who is local and one who isn't, I feel like an a-hole to be honest as I'm not the type of guy to lead anyone on or cheat.The local girl has said that I should just sort out what I want to do but that she wouldn't resent me if I chose the other.I guess I have the option of picking one or neither as I don't fully feel I deserve any form of affection after being a penis. If I went with the uni girl I think I'd feel guilty as I have slept with the local girl since she moved away and we've become distant. Even though we're not together formally...i still feel its a betrayal of trust.I'm not sure what to do, I'd like to try and make things work with the local girl, I think maybe me and the girl I've been seeing were more infatuated than in love whereas things feel different with the girl still here. I don't want to hurt the girl who's gone to university and I'm not sure how to tell her I don't feel we're right for each other.I know I've been an idiot.Any advice would be great, thanks
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long distance, money, university Reply to this Question
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male
reader, AntPain +, writes (20 September 2013):
AntPain is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn the end, I chose to be honest with both girls. She came back due to some stuff at home and we decided to be serious about our LDR. The local girl and I are now just friends instead as we both agreed that although we get on, we wouldn't work as a couple.Me and my girlfriend are now doing awesome and are happy with one another.Massive thanks for the advice guys, really helped to sort my head and realize I wasn't a bad guy, just a confused one :)
A
female
reader, Brokenv  +, writes (3 September 2013):
You are a pretty young to be making any commitment with anyone. I think you need to be honest with the Univ gal. I think you need to be a friend to her...you can't go wrong with that. She will also meet someone there and it will "click" for her.
Just because someone is local doesn't mean she is "the one". Enjoy your youth. Get your life together. Be honest with all your involved. Take your time. You deserve that.
I think you are a great guy with a lot to offer!
Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, YouWish  +, writes (2 September 2013):
 You have only one choice here. If you are any kind of man, you'll break it off with the long distance girl because you've already destroyed your relationship with her by sleeping with the local girl behind her back.
Put yourself in the uni girl's shoes. What happens if you decide to keep the relationship with her, and she finds out you slept around while she was away? What if it were you who were away and you found out she slept with another guy?
Do the right thing and end things with the long distance girl, because you ended it when you slept with the local girl.
As far as the local girl is concerned, she better not already think you're into her, because if you've said things to her that suggest you're into her and want to be in a relationship with her, then own up to it. You don't sleep with people while there's someone else in your life, or you're just using them.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (2 September 2013):
 I'm struggling to see how you've been an idiot.You're over thinking things.You liked a girl she liked you, she moved 200 miles away to go to school. You told her you had feelings for her and said she could be your g/f properly now or have a LDR.She chose neither but was still your friend and borrowed money from you.You met a new local girl, you "clicked". You were honest with her about the first girl and she said the choice was yours.You're not a "penis" or an idiot, you're obviously a nice guy or wouldn't have female friends at all.You're not and never have been in a relationship with girl one despite wanting this.She had choices and she's turned you down.Girl two, likes you and wants a relationship with you.You haven't cheated on girl one because you were never in a relationship with her. If she'd wanted you she would have let you know by now.So you're only choices are real a relationship locally or LDR which isn't in fact anything more than fantasy and friendship!Stop beating yourself up, you're a nice guy.Now go out and have a great date with girl two! :)AB x
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 September 2013):
 Look, you've already moved on from uni girl. You aren't in love with either girl, which is why you're torn. Neither is special enough. You already cheated on uni girl, sorry to inform you. No, you weren't formally going out, but you had a thing going on and it wasn't formally ended either. Still you carried on with the local girl. So, that was your action and it was an action towards ending things with uni girl. Or to say it more effectively: you went sleeping with someone else, and there is no way uni girl will think that's okay. Sleeping with someone else put an end to whatever you had with uni girl. So there is nothing really to be torn about, you already made your choice back when you got hot and heavy with someone else.
Now, the thing is you don't really sound that interested in the local girl either. She was good enough to fool around with, but you're not sure you want her. At this point, having seen her naked and all, you should be sure whether you like-like her or just "kinda-sorta-like" her. When you're not sure, it means you either need more time to get o know her (without the sex, or else this is just a fuck buddy-relationship), or she's just not that interesting to you. Which is fair enough, but don't confuse you wanting to bonk her with you having feelings for her. If you had feelings for her your choice would be easy.
You don't care much for either of these girls, and really, it's not meant as a negative thing, more like a matter of fact. If you cared about one or the other you'd know, and your choice would be easy. Your choice isn't easy, because neither is the right girl for you. You are torn between someone who's nice, and someone who's nice, neither is special and amazing.
Just because they've offered themselves up doesn't mean they are your only two choices. I say end things with both and stay single until you find someone who turns your head and gives you butterflies and you can't stop thinking about her and want to shout her name out from the top of a mountain. Wait until that girl comes around.
If you were to continue with the local girl (which is your only choice to staying single, uni girl is out of the question by now), then I stress the importance of NOT being sexual. You have started on the wrong foot with her, using her sexually without being formally her boyfriend. You've used her to cheat on uni-girl, and effectively made her the "other woman". If you want a good relationship to come of this you MUST start on a clean slate. No more humping about. Date. Get to know her. Hands off until you're officially in a relationship, and have been in an official relationship for at least two weeks. Or else I smell disaster and insecurities on her part. She'll be unsure if you still want her, she'll worry you will dump her for someone els etc. You absolutely have to start on a clean slate with her if you want something solid and lasting.
Always end one relationship BEFORE you start another. So end things officially with uni girl. THEN go on to properly DATE local girl, if that is your choice. Don't just jump into a hanky panky relationship with local girl. Properly date her. Or else it'll end poorly and will have a small chance of actually becoming something good.
But I still say you should not be with either, since neither girl is special enough for you to leave no doubt in your heart and mind.
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A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity +, writes (2 September 2013):
 It appears as if your body has already answered the question for you. You already slept with the local girl, right? The act of betrayal (whether the feeling legitimate or not) has already been done. The trust has already been broken, and you have already done the 'worst' you could do. To me, if you two aren't in a formal committed relationship, you can sleep with you you want.
My point is, you are putting way too much weight on something that isn't there. Yes you and the uni girl are close, but you aren't in a monogamous relationship. It sounds like you are only in it anymore because of the guilt factor, which means you are already leading her on. Its time to 'end' whatever is going on between you and the uni girl and move on. You guys had a great summer together, but there is someone else who fits you better. The quicker you are honest about the entire situation, the faster you can move on and find someone that makes you happy. Best of luck.
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