A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I wrote in originally at http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-am-a-male-and-hate-that-i.html but I'll clear up a few things for you to make it more specific:I'm emotionally and sexually attracted to women - normally, anyway, have dated women always, never men -but, as for men, it tends to be emotional attraction only, as in I can imagine going on dates etc. with them but only certain men but never anything sexual, only emotional things or romantic things like buying gifts/couples stuff etc., but it's all non-sexual.I don't watch or read any porn at all (well, unless you count looking at pictures of women in sportswear/smart clothing on Next/Debenhams websites as pornographic, it's a bit tame by some people's standards).I HATE having these feelings because they feel a little unnatural to me, a bit weird, it creeps me out, and it's nothing to do with the fact my area's homophobic.I'm on a public computer right now, so I'm having to rush this, so sorry.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 September 2013): I am going to once again offer the gay perspective on your issue.
Your upbringing, possibly religious convictions, and other moral influences; force you very deep into denial of any attraction outside of the safety of admitting "emotional" attraction to men.
Your mind is carefully blocked not to allow thoughts of physical attraction to manifest. The emotional attraction is so strong, that you can't repress it. You can't deny what the eye sees, so to speak. You can deny what you feel.
You can objectively block-out sexual arousal toward men.
Like most bisexual men who elect to live totally heterosexual life-styles in order to marry women, and have a family. Eventually, it surfaces.
Any guy can kill sexual thoughts by thinking of your "grannies panties;" when you don't want to get an erection at an inappropriate time. For example, making the repeated affirmation over and over, until you convince the subconscious mind "you're not afraid of ghosts."
You are in the deepest form of denial there is. It would probably make you physically ill to allow yourself to admit to sexual arousal; because you have repressed the feelings so deeply. As a criminal who represses his guilt for a heinous crime; until he actually believes he didn't do it.
There is a deep-seated self-loathing that you have for that part of you. What I suspect to be covert homosexual feelings; or latent tendencies. You fear your repressed sexual-attraction is forcing its way to the surface; and that is what motivated you to write your post. You are losing the battle; but the conflict rages on.
You can claim you have one and not the other; but I find that very hard to believe. Others may have differing opinions.
You may deny it until the cows come home to rest.
However; being on this side of it. I've seen it dozens upon dozens of times. You are who you are. You don't have to have sex with men, if you don't want to. Who gives a rat's ass anyway?
You and many others, may think it is sick or perverted to be homosexual. If that's how you feel, it's the last thing you'd want to be.
A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 September 2013):
 Thank you for coming back with more information on what you feel. I think it is normal to not want to jump into anything sexual with men you don't know. Maybe I can offer a point of view that will enlighten you.. but you will have to come to terms with this being part of who you are. Or else my advice will just be a waste. I'm bisexual. I'm sexually attracted to women. I am not sexually attracted to men. Same as you. I am only attracted to men based on their personality, same as your "emotional" attraction. I am rarely attracted to women on the emotional/personal level. When it comes to women, I see a nice body that I would like to get to bed. Not much more. I couldn't imagine being in a relationship with one, but I probably just haven't met the right woman. With men, I have never been physically attracted to them at first. I always end up falling in love with who they are. And then, once I am in love, I start to find them physically attractive. Some people have tried to convince me that I am a lesbian because of this. I never got a turn on by seeing a naked man for example, whereas I will get very turned on by a naked woman. But, I do fall in love with men too, and bisexuality isn't simply "who do you want to take to bed". It is also "Who can you have a romantic relationship with". The sexual part comes before the personal part with women, but with men I experience physical attraction only after the personal/emotional attraction. Don't get me wrong, I am not at all repulsed by the male physics. I have had plenty of one night stands and desire for men in bed too. But it's still different in the way that simply looking at a man will not make me want him. Im thinking you might be like me in this aspect. And if so, the sexual attraction will naturally follow when you fall in love with a man, provided that he's the right kind of man for you. Being gay, or bisexual, doesn't mean you have to be turned on by ALL men. You get to have your specific taste there too. Some will not do the trick for you. Others will not. There needs to be both aspects in a relationship, both physical and personal attraction. If you only experience physical attraction to a woman it wouldn't be right to be with her, same as if you only feel personal attraction to a man it wouldn't be right to be with him. You need to find that one person, whatever gender, that you are attracted to in both areas. But with men, you might be like me, needing some time to get to know them before you can judge if they are physically attractive to you.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (2 September 2013):
 Do you have any close male friends?
I don't really see anything wrong in how you feel. As for the porn - WOW you are one in a million and THAT is a compliment.
I have women friends whom I have been closer to then most of my friends and it was nothing sexual.
I think MEN get MEN in a way women just don't - same goes for women. Doesn't mean because you GET men that you automatically MUST be gay. It's NOT about sexuality. It just means you are COMFORTABLE around some men. Not a big deal.
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A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity +, writes (2 September 2013):
 I think we can all say that we in some way or another are capable of being attracted to the same sex. It may be like you are saying, just emotionally. That doesn't mean that you are bisexual/gay. One of the leading factors of being gay is that you want to have sex with men. You stated you don't want to do that, so the issue kind of solves itself.
You are putting too much weight on the fact that you are emotionally comfortable with men. You shouldn't be concerned with it, because it is irrelevant. You are happy dating women, and you know that you are emotionally attracted to men. So what? Stop worrying about it and accept it, because its really not a big deal. :) The human mind is a crazy thing!
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (2 September 2013):
Well, it's not at all unnatural, in fact it's actually a lot more common than you would think. You just don't hear about it because there's no reason for people like you to expose themselves. But many of my closest friends have admitted that they aren't at all sexually attracted to men but are able to feel more than just friendship.
I find myself strangely attracted to certain actors, such as George Clooney and Brad Pitt. I don't want anything from them, but I feel drawn towards them.
So, you're not weird, unnatural, creepy, etc. There's nothing wrong with you so don't punish yourself for being who you are. If you don't want to act on these feelings then don't, there's no reason you have to.
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