A
female
age
41-50,
*ame06
writes:I'm a smart, successful, attractive woman in my 30s, and, even though I have very progressive, healthy attitudes towards dating and sex, I can't help but feel a bit like an idiot. I went out with a man I met online last weekend who was new to the area. We hit it off over wine, and I lost my inhibitions when we went back to his place and "one thing led to another". He was very enamored with me and wanted me to stay the night with him and kept calling me "Gorgeous, smart and sexy," saying I had "everything". He even offered to take care of me and drive me to a surgery I was having in a couple of months. I went home anyway, and felt kind of guilty about having sex so soon, but he texted me the next morning, so I thought, "Hey, maybe he really does like me."He asked me to come over the next night, but I was busy, so I suggested the following evening. He said that he might have to work very late, and asked if I could come over after 10 p.m. I said that I couldn't (mostly because I kind of wanted to keep getting to know him, instead of going over there and having things get physical again). Then, he asked me to lunch instead, and I was thrilled, but, then he quickly added that he had made stew at his place and asked if I might want to meet him there.I was a little bit disappointed that he invited me over again (because I knew what would probably happen), but he still seemed to be really into me, so I figured, even if it did happen, if he liked me, he liked me, sex or no sex. I got to his place and (of course) we did it again, then ate lunch, then had sex one last time. I've never felt powerless around a guy, but he makes me feel this way when it comes to resisting sex. He is very complimentary. He said "Wow" a lot, and that I was " so beautiful". While we were eating lunch, he said that he'd like to do things with me with our clothes on too. He felt like we really had a connection back in the restaurant. When I asked, he said he had originally planned to take me out to lunch, but liked the idea of staying in and things getting physical (it sounded honest enough, I supposed).After our encounter, I sent a flirty text, saying, "I hope that holds you over for a little while, at least." (I was going out of town for work the next day).He said, "Wow. I can't even THINK of anything sexy for at least a week (unless you are here)." Later on that evening, I was just curious, and went online and saw that he'd logged into the dating site an hour after our last text. The next day, I checked again, and saw that he had logged in again a few hours after that. Not that I expected us to be exclusive right away, but it seems really shady that he would have sex with me and then possibly be trolling for other women later that same day. It really left me with an "ick" feeling. It's now been almost two days since I've heard from him, although he did mention doing things in the future. I just feel like, if he really likes me, he will want to connect with me and make sure I know he's interested (every guy who has been genuinely interested in a relationship has done so).Maybe it's too early to judge, and I'm probably overreacting, but I have that intuitive "sinking feeling" that this guy may not the guy I thought he was.Here are my possible scenarios:1) He is a jerk and was just telling me good things to get me into bed, or he thought I "gave it up too soon" which is totally "the pot calling the kettle black IMHO" (grr and grr)2) He knows I'm out of town, and just needs a little "breathing room" after the whole sex thing, maybe to do the whole "rubber band" thing because it was really intense, really quickly3) He wants to keep things casual (as he is new to the city), and likes me, but doesn't want to get serious too soon4) He's a player and wants to keep me on the hook but will lie to me and go out with other womenThe bottom line is that, if this guy is who he says he is, I like him so far and want to continue to see him. He seemed to like me, but I'm worried that he will turn out to be yet another disappointment and I am annoyed at myself for being so vulnerable and naive, and thinking he was so "wowed" by me, he couldn't help himself.I'm not going to contact him until I hear from him again, but, if I do, I would appreciate advice from guys on how to proceed (and don't say, "don't give it up again" -- that just seems like game playing, withholding the "cookie" to punish him in some way). Has anyone had sex with a woman he really liked and then taken a few days to get in contact again? What about women--has anyone had a similar experience with a guy, and how did it turn out?
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female
reader, Mame06 +, writes (11 November 2013):
Mame06 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks everyone for helping out. I came to the conclusion that sex doesn't fast forward the "getting to know you" bit of the relationship, in that, you should expect anything from anyone, just because you've had sex. This guy continues to pursue me, and I'm insisting on respect, and things seem to be working out a lot better. I'm just slowing things down and taking my time with it.
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy  +, writes (25 October 2013):
 OP, I completely agree with your frustrations of the pot calling the kettle black thing, but that is the sad fact of it. Men DO judge women who have sex on a first date, while forgetting to think about, or judge, their own behaviour. It's not fair but it's true.
You have great advice from aunts and uncles and I hope you take in on board. I was a stubborn person who wouldn't budge on the sexual equality stuff, but I realised that it is more about ones own self respect. That's the key issue.
From my own experience I'd like to add that people will say (future fake) almost anything when hormones/ libido are raging - e.g. Driving you to a surgery a few months down the line. I don't even put that down to playing necessarily, I think people get caught up in fantasies that go cold the next day.
All in all, I'd suggest you get off online dating - you're attractive, confident and so on, better to meet someone in real life. There are so many creeps and players online (been there, have a hundred t-shirts), and keeping tabs on when someone was last online is exhausting, and soul destroying if you've been intimate.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2013): There's nothing wrong with sex on a first date. I did it with my significant other and 3 years later we are still madly in love and happy together. In theory, there's nothing wrong with sleeping with every guy you find attractive if you're both single.In practice, it doesn't sound like you want casual sex. Or in other words, I'm not sure if you're happy to have sex with someone regardless of longterm compatibility.In my mind, if you want a longterm relationship you would do well to not have sex so quickly because you might cloud your judgements about how well you get along.I have had many friends with benefits and I resented how people assumed I was playing with fire and risking getting involved.But it was not at all complicated for me because I knew I did not want a relationship and I knew these guys were not what I wanted. It really was a case of wham bam thank you sir, you can go now... No regrets on my part.I am telling you this so that you realize that I'm not upholding some traditional notion of what women should be like. What I am saying is that since you are already looking for a serious relationship, sex will predispose you to overlooking things about him that make you incompatible. It would be practical to get to know him with a clear head.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (24 October 2013):
 When a woman makes herself available for s*x too quickly, after meeting a guy.... she, basically, gives him the clear picture that she is prepared to let him use her for s*x, only,.... and THAT is what we guys know as "Nirvana."
The only way to break away from this is to break away from this guy..... for a LOooooooong time... maybe forever... because you have let him take advantage of you... and - as long as you concur - he will continue to do so (take advantage of you) FOREVER!!!!!
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 October 2013):
 I too don't think NOT having sex is playing games or punishment (punishment for what?). But I think NOT having sex the first few dates is smart and safer.
You met this guy online and got drunk on the first date, went home with him and had sex. You don't even KNOW this dude. Having a few conversations through the dating site and then dinner doesn't equate to KNOWING him. KNOWING that he is safe.
NOT having sex when you start getting to know a potential mate is twofold.
(- because I assume you are looking for a mate/partner/significant other, not just a roll in the hay.)
1. You get to have a sense of the person from several dates, though he will of course be on his best behavior in order to woo you. However, you might get a better idea of him as a person. His career, goals, dreams, values and morals. That in turn gives you some input to see/feel if he is compatible, not just if he is physically attractive.
2. By NOT having sex from the get go there is a bit of a build of of sexual tension, IF you are both mentally and physically attracted to each other. Which in turn can mean that WHEN you DO have sex, YOU (mostly the women) are not left feeling stupid or used. And you SURELY wouldn't feel the ICK! so strongly either.
The thing is, you are getting attached BECAUSE you had sex. You are writing that you don't expect exclusivity just because you had sex... BUT you DO. Otherwise you wouldn't have been upset over him browsing the dating site.
The fact that he keeps suggesting "dates" at HIS house seems to me because that way he doesn't HAVE to put forth much of an effort to bed you. And so far, he's been right.
I know it's old-fashioned but people need to learn what courtship is all about. It's NOT about holding out on the other person. It's about building common ground BEFORE taking the plunge to a relationship & sex.
Now you are left doubting if he was really serious. HOW do you think he feels? I would doubt if he thought YOU weren't really serious either. Men DEFINITELY look at dating different then women. If he can bed you from the get go, you might not be a keeper, because to some it shows a lack of restraint and morals (not saying that sex is immoral, but it is still the common view in society that women aren't as sexual as men, and when they ARE they are viewed differently.) Basically judged.
You might need to decide WHAT you want out of a relationship and go from there. Find out how you go about achieving that.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (24 October 2013):
 You most definitely should not have had sex so early on...but I'm not telling you something you don't already know.
What you really don't know in fact, is much about this guy, except that he's a charming person whom you met online, who loves having sex with you (no surprises here) and he keeps showering you with compliments. You know how this sounds, right? It has PLAYER written all over it!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2013): A man who gets on acting site just an hour after he left your bed is a player. Not all men players who try to sleep with you, but the one who's bed is still warm from your body and he is already in a search mode for another body is deffinitely a player. I did what you did: fast sex, so many times in my life and felt afterwards the same way you felt, icky. Then as I was growing older, I started to put off instant gratification and started saying no to almost every guy I met. Do you know how many asked me after my no on a date? not even 1 out of 10. I met guys in clubs, and in my old days I would go and have sex with them sometimes same night, or may be after next day coffe break. And after couple times I never heard from them. When I desided not to do it anymore and acted in a manner that they understood its not to going to happen right now, they would ask for my phone number, then text me same night at 2 am, telling how gorgeous I am and how much they want to hold me in their hands. And how many of them called me the next day or week ask me on date? The percentage was almost non existant. Sometimes I would meet someone really cute and seemingly nice and attraction was immediate, but I tought myself how to hold on to my instincts, and how much better I felt after there was no sex in a beginning stages. It's not only for them to understand what kind of person you are, but mainly for your benefit to understand who YOU are dealing with. May be you won't even like him at all, may he is not worthy to become your lover, how can you determine it ona first or second date. When I met my husband, he didn't even try to get me in bed. It happened a month later, was mutual and by that time we both were in love. It doesn't mean that success stories will happen every time you wait a little, but this method is deffinitely works as a good filtrating mechanism and let's you avoid many players in your life. Good luck!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2013): Just don't play any game. If you are looking for someone to have an honest to goodness relationship, then DON'T give yourself up so easily when you first meet someone. You set yourself up for this. Take the time to get to know someone first. At your age, you should know this already. Of course this guy was going to say all those things to you to get you in bed. Now, he might very well be a great guy, but because you gave it up so quickly, this guy has nothing to work for anymore. So, he'll possibly hang around for what you are giving him (small talk and sex) or, he's on to the next one.
I think the two of you did not talk about what you were both looking for, or what you said in your profile is not what either of you put forward.
If this guy is for real, if he does contact you again. You can tell him you would like to have a do-over. You like him and would like to get to know him as a person and see where it goes. If that's not working for him, he was only out for sex with you. Learn your lesson here. If you keep doing the same thing with these guys, you will continue to get the same results.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (24 October 2013):
 Im not sure why men always get branded as 'players' when this sort of thing happens.
He probably is looking for a genuine regular woman to date but, for guys, sexual desires are pretty high up on the list when they meet someone and to be honest, with most blokes, for the first few dates, all that 'Wow' stuff is basically their penis talking...
Think I am wrong?
Look how cold they go once they have had sex!!
If they haven't been given enough time to pursue you or get to know if they REALLY like you by dating you for a few months, then the flame is going to die quickly if you have sex too soon.
Women, for some reason, think they can ignore this process. They believe too much in their own publicity and think they are irresistable and they can play the sex game just as much as guys do (and some do, and get away with it) and when the sheets are cold, they get the guilt and doubt creeping in and then start massively over thinking the why's and where's of what a guy is doing.
You have obviously fallen into this trap before!
You probably are gorgeous and sexy and beautiful and charming...but it still does not mean that you have to let your 'passions' get the better of you and have sex with strangers.
The modern thing seems to be to eradicate courtship and go straight for the sex...and look where this is getting us??
Men have been penis led since time began. They are evolutionally designed to have sex, need sex, seek out sex...and women who give it up too soon need to realise that once that has happened too early in a relationship...it's basically game over!!
The game is never going to change so you have to learn to have more respect for yourself, hold back and get to really know someone first...If you are that gorgeous and interesting, then you got a lot to give and a decent guy will give you a real chance even if you don't have sex with him immediately.
This guy has met you, had sex with you and now you are on the 'booty call list'...and to be honest...You put yourself there!!
Sorry to be tough but it's true and it's why you keep failing.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2013): I don't get why in your 30's you still have not learned the lesson that its NOT about withholding the cookie, but about governing yourself with respect. He can get sex so easily from a prostitute. The potential for romance is gone, he's a man, the chase is done. It was way too easy and now there really is no reason to get to know you... So off he is looking for someone else. Obviously this scenario hasn't worked for you in the past, why not try doing something alittle different to get a different result?
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (24 October 2013):
Withholding sex isn't game playing, it allows a relationship based on OTHER things to develop. When you have sex with a guy right away, you have given him the ultimate goal without having to get to know you.
When you withhold sex for a little bit, the guy has to get to know you in order to get his treat. By then he has some feelings for you.
Let's face it. This guy told you everything he needed to get you in bed. That doesn't mean he's not into you. But if you don't fix things you'll probably be stuck with a fwb.
For the record, I prefer to wait for a little while before sleeping with someone that I'm into. This shows me she has some self control (for whatever reason that's important to me).
That being said, my wife and I slept together a week after we met. I didn't hold it against her.
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (24 October 2013):
Don't worry about "playing games" because they are a little necessary. It's not like you're playing to be a jerk, but because you want him to get to know you for you, not just because he likes the physical aspect.
In my experience, the majority of guys will dump you if you have sex too soon. I've had a couple end up being boyfriends, but that was only two out of quite a few. But hey, I've been dumped when I waited to have sex for nearly 6-months! But that's a whole different story.
I think you should keep your options open. You sound like you're a fun chick with sex appeal. Don't let one guy get you down and just take this as a learning experience if you don't hear from him. If he does want to get together again, I liked NikoleLunet's suggestion of what you should say to him...it's the truth, you're not playing a game when you want to get to know each other better.
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A
female
reader, Eyespy17 +, writes (24 October 2013):
I've learned over the years and sadly - you set the stage early with guys. You either fall into a category - friend, sex or GF. Of course there are exceptions but sex on a first date usually deadens the relationship to just sex. Sorry. He probably thinks you do it all the time and has little respect for you. (yes NOT fair since he did the same ). But it's a guy thing.
I used to jump into bed too early too - thinking its "my choice" and I'm
Having fun. But those guys never had staying power and definitely weren't into monogamy with me.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2013): He does sound like a regular player. The fact that he went online again just an hour after he had sex with you is an indication that he is a thrill chaser and womanizer.
He ll tell whatever you need to hear to get you in bed. At your age you need to be able to recognize people like that. There is never long term for them, it's a lays a thrill of chasing, charming, getting what the want and move on.
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