A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I noticed my boyfriend of over 3 years was really touchy about me using his phone yesterday. He didn't seem to want me around it. I decided to take a look at his messages while he gave me the phone to use to look up something. I discovered text messages from him to his guy buddy that made me sick. Last week I was away for a full week on business and the very night I left he went to have dinner at a local restaurant. His text to his buddy said, " that little hot bitch is a waste" his friends response was "week of freedom, oh yeah". My boyfriends response to that was #lessonslearned #sluts. The conversation ended for that day. The next day my boyfriend texted the same friend "no sluts to pound".I am devastated!!!!! I accused him of cheating and his response is that he didn't cheat and that he was insecure and was just talking to a girl and exaggerating to his friend. His friend is fat and nasty and never gets girls while my bf is quite attractive (I don't know if that makes a difference) . He said it was just guy talk and he knows he messed up and was disrespectful and he feel terrible for it.When I ask him about it or get upset he doesn't say much except he didn't cheat. I have been really cold to him and cry and ask him how he could do this to me. I am trying to make him feel guilty to see if that changes the response. It's always the same. He says he could tell me sorry until he is blue in the face but he knows he has broken my trust.We live together and recently got a dog together. We haven't been having much sex which is unusual for us. I have to go out of town again and he is still living with me and I still love him. When I asked what would of happened if the girl had let things progress his answer was "I don't know but I stopped it and went home"He has lied to me occasionally in the past and has a history of cheating with other women. He has always sworn that he will marry me and that he loves me and that he was immature in his past relationships and that he wants to keep me happy.I am the one with everything going right for me and he is just getting started. He told me he wished I was more involved in his life. He claims we can still go on as before and he will do anything I ask.What am I supposed to do? I love him, we have a life together and I don't know what to think.Is he telling me lies to sweet talk me into staying to is he truly sorry and won't do this again?I know at times I have looked at other men and flirted a tiny bit but I have never taken it past that or messaged my friends about it.Thoughts?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (26 October 2013):
 Thank you for your response :)
I don't think that once a cheater always a cheater. It is possible that this was just a blip and a silly mistake. It is possible that he is SO VERY sorry that he never strays again.
It will take a long time for you trust him again, but it CAN happen.
If you feel that the relationship is worth saving then there is absolutely no shame in giving him a second chance.
If he ever gives you cause for concern again then you rethink. But it's not wrong to try and make this work, it's brave, not stupid, because you've thought about it, weighed up the pros and cons and believe the relationship's worth fighting for.
It would be different if he kept repeating this behaviour, hurting you, and you kept taking him back, but it isn't!
You are right though, you will feel this for some time and it will make you sad and worry you BUT you can't keep making him pay for it.
Despite what he did wrong YOU'RE the one who decides his fate. You can't choose to stay with him and then keep punishing him because, as you say, he won't (and shouldn't have to) put up with it.
Forgiveness is NOT for his benefit, it's for yours, you will never forget what's happened, either of you, all you can do is learn from it and move forward. Forgiveness allows YOU to let the some of the negativity go.
To forgive does not mean you excuse the behaviour, accept it or approve of it, it just means that you're prepared to draw a line under it.
If you're still struggling and it starts to affect the relationship, then it might be worth considering counselling, either single or couples.
I hope you two work this out and this advice helps AB x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is all great feedback. I expected all of the comments to tell me to run as fast as I can. I do feel his actions are serious and he did not deny that things could have escalated. Over the past several days we have been very loving toward each other. I have small outbursts of anger that turn to sadness infront of my bf quite a bit. He tells me that it's okay and he deserve it and that he will be by my side until I choose differently. I know I have really beat him down over the issue and continue to do so. I have put him on the biggest guilt trip imaginable. I know I need to stop soon because I'm sure there is only so much he will be able to take and I know I need to either forgive entirely or move on. We have both agreed to use our phones, television and reading time sparingly when around each other and to make more time for cuddling and sex. He seemed excited about all of those ideas. (He isn't the excitable type and he was thrilled about the phone part before we discussed the sex part) I guess I'm in a holding pattern for now. It's so hard to stop my imagination from going crazy with what might of happened or if this happened before. I am truly in a sad spot and hope that this event ultimately makes us stronger. I just don't know if that is the way things work. I always have been told that.... Once a cheater, always a cheater.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (24 October 2013):
Thank you for taking the time to reply :)
It sounds like he's made a mistake but has been honest about it.
His fears concerning his body image are understandable and he's right, he does need to choose his friends more carefully.
Is there pressure to get married?
However, what I fail to understand is that if he's scared of losing you to another man, why is he then scared of commitment to you!
He says he loves you but is scared of growing up!
I'm 42, have been married twice and have absolutely no intention whatsoever of growing up!
What I think your boyfriend is struggling with is the concept of having to be monogamous.
I don't think he cheated on you with this girl he was hitting on but I think that that's probably because she knocked him back! (hence the body image issues)
If she had given him the green light, how far would he have gone?
I think his remorse is genuine and that he does love you but I don't think he likes the idea of being exclusive. He's worried that the grass is greener on the other side and that he's missing out.
You have trust issues now and they will be very hard to overcome and nothing he says is going to make you feel better or reassure you, plus he has already admitted to having issues of his own.
I can't help thinking that you might both benefit from couples counselling if you are to survive this.
Whatever you do, please make sure it's what makes YOU happy.
I hope things work out and this advice helps AB x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 October 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThis is so tough. I think he messed up and I know he knows better. He isn't making excuses which is the only reason I haven't broken it off. He said either way if we are together or not he needs to back off being friends with his buddy I question be he knows that lifestyle isn't the one he wants. My bf did admit that he was hitting on a girl but talked it up more than it was because he was insecure. I asked him what he was insecure about and his answer was:
His body image
Losing me to another man
Commitment (pressure to get married, we are 31 and dating for over 3 years)
He insists that he loves me and doesn't want to lose me but that having to grow up scares him.
I'm just so frustrated because now I can't trust him and otherwise we have a wonderful life together. He stepped over a line that I'm having trouble getting over
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A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit +, writes (24 October 2013):
I think the question is what do YOU think?
What he said does sound like guy chat but yes it's not only disrespectful to you it's disrespectful to all women!
It doesn't actually show your boyfriend in a good light does it? And he clearly needs to look at the bloke he calls a friend, they both sound like they need to grow up a bit!
Only he knows whether he cheated, he told he hasn't. The thing is you don't trust him or believe him.
If he said he had cheated, would the relationship have survived this?
Either way he's breached your trust and you're hurting.
As I see it you're the one holding all the cards and have to decide what the future is for you two.
Can you forgive his behaviour? Can you trust him again?
If you can't forgive him or trust him then you need to rethink this guy.
I hope this helps AB x
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A
female
reader, pinktopaz +, writes (24 October 2013):
He may not have cheated yet...but it kind of sounds like he has thoughts of it. After that, I probably wouldn't trust him either. Those comments he made were pretty repulsive. He needs to show you he's sorry, not just say it!
Maybe going out of town will be a good thing for you so that you can think about things and if you really want to be with him or what he can do to earn your trust back. Also, ask him how he wants you to be more involved in his life. If he's feeling "neglected" somehow, maybe that's what's making him feel insecure (not that "looking for sluts" makes it any sort of excuse).
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