A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I am 46,divorced with grown up kids. I have been single for 6 years and I live on my own.4 years ago I met a man online who was 6 years younger than me. We talked almost every night and he told me he was leaving his wife. The years rolled by, we continued to talk online (about everything and anything) and eventually he did leave his wife and initiated a divorce. He now lives at his mums house.We met for the first time about a 18 months ago (after he had left his wife). We first met for a drink a few times and then eventually he came and stayed over. We had sex and again we were getting on really well. We remained in touch online and arranged other meetings but sometimes those arrangements fell through on both sides so, in fact we havent seen eachother regularly.He then began to see another woman. He was open and honest with me. I wasnt sure about my feelings for him so I backed off. He then finished with the other woman and started to speak to me again online.Again it got to the point where he came to stay and we had a good time. He talked continually about the other woman and I could see he was hurt that he finished with her.We have kept in touch since (online, texts and phoning). I have been quite ill rcently and he was concerned and offered help (picking me up from hospital on one occasion). I came to rely on him for support and then I realised I was having real feelings for him. I bit the bullet and told him how deeply I felt for him and I was surprised when he said he had feelings for me and cared about me.He said if he spent more time with me those feelings would grow but it was hard as we are both busy with work (we also live about 30 miles apart).The problem I have is that since we exchanged feelings, he has withdrawn. He doesnt speak to me online as much and when I text him, sometimes he doesnt answer. He doesnt pick up the phone when I call him but when I hide my number...suddenly he answers.A few weeks ago I decided to just leave it,I noticed he had deleted me from his friends list so I deleted his number and just got on with my life...then out of the blue he called me. I was glad (almost relieved)to hear from him, he made some lame excuse why he hadn't been in touch and he told me to stay in touch and call him. I asked why he had deleted me from his online account and he said he had computer problems.(he told me to re add myself to his friends list)I called him yesterday and text him also...and no reply.This has been going on now for years and I wonder why he bothers to keep touch. I sometimes want to just lose it with him and tell him to 'get lost'...but I cannot get over my feelings.I know he is definitely not with his wife. I also know he isnt dating anyone else, but I wonder why he won't go any further with me if he has feelings?? Also why does he not just let me go?It is affecting my life so much so that I push other potential dates away. I compare everyone to him and I know it's ridiculous.I hate being so emotionally dependant on someone who keeps me at armslength.Should I just walk away? I know if I delete him from my life I can get over him but he keeps coming back???...why???
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female
reader, SMARTERthaniappear  +, writes (19 June 2011):
 DON'T ALLOW A MAN TO RUN YOUR LIFE! I would't keep trying to contact him if he seems as if he's avoiding you. He could just be toying with your head. Some men aren't looking for a serious relationship, but instead someone to comfort them and be their for them when they want a play toy. In otherwords, he's lonely and you're their to fill the empty gape. 2nd answer is he may still be emotionaly hurt by the relaitonship he's just ended and is scared to fall for someone and get hurt again but he keeps in contact because he doesn't want to lose you. 3rd answer is he could be seeing other women. He lives 30 miles away from you, so unless you're stalking him, you wouldn't know if he was seeing someone else. This could be why he's staying distant. Either way, I wouldn't bother waiting for him!!! DON'T PUSH POSSIBLE HUSBANDS AWAY!!! You've waited for him so now it's time to MOVE ON. Maybe he'll even make a move once he notices you've moved on to other guys. He'll then start chasing you and treating you with some respect =)
HOPE I HELPED ^.^
A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou to all who responded. I think you are right, it's time to take action and walk away. I don't want to continue to feel so unstable over this. I text him again yesterday (out of grim curiosity)...again, no reply, so I guess it's confirmed that he is just picking me up when he feels like it.
I am not going to say anything because there is no point, I am just going to delete him and move on. I can't believe this has been going on for so long and I have allowed him to treat me like shit! I am actually changing my phone number in a weeks time so he wont be able to call anymore.
Thankyou again for taking time and effort to help me in my predicament, I truly appreciate it and it has given me a clearer view of the situation.
Thankyou all again x
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (18 June 2011):
 I am going to have to second what CindyCares says. It definitely sounds like he tried to be with you romantically, but the connection wasn't there, so he found someone else.He is keeping you in the loop because you are a good plan B -- a friend (and a woman). Perhaps you've still had sex from time to time and that is supplying a nice outlet for him until he finds someone that he wants to be with. I think there is a little bit of you in the picture too -- you keep trying to get in touch with him after all these years in hopes he's changed his mind about you, despite him being with other woman and "defriending" you.From the sounds of it, you've invested too much time into following this guy and even caring what he does at this point. Why not explore other, more available opportunities and allow yourself to be loved by someone who wants to be with you and only you? It won't be easy and it'll be a leap of faith, but the rewards are fantastic. I think, ultimately, that is what you desire: someone to be 100% in love with you.Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 June 2011): You are wasting your time on a loser guy who really doesn't care about you. Move on. If you don't want to then you have no-one else to blame for your misery. He really couldn't care less about you so why give him an ounce more of your energy.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (18 June 2011):
 why do you have to wait for him to let you go.
he's not meeting your needs
he's hurting you
his actions tell you he's not that interested and yet you persist.
I'm 90 miles from my BF and we manage to see each other pretty much every week.... 30 miles? we'd be living together already... just saying that 30 miles is not a huge distance...
I think that this man with his actions tells you that you are not that important to him.
I think you know what to do.... he won't cut you loose..you feed his ego.
stop feeding his ego and see what happens.... let him row the relationship boat... if no movement occurs that's your answer...
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 June 2011):
 I wonder why YOU bother keeping in touch with him !
Since he has been so evidently feeding you bullshit, and you feel that too since you mention "lame excuses". Come on- 30 miles ?! That does not even qualify as LDR ! If you lived in LA or NY -places where MILLIONS of people live -, that could be the average distance where your friends live and that would not stop you from meeting them often.
He keeps you around because you are handy, reliable and convenient. You make the perfect B plan. If he's got other fish to fry, he forgets about you and distances himself- when he does not, he knows he just needs to come up with some lame excuse and you'll be at his disposal. Totally convenient, why ever should he forfeit this cozy arrangement ?
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