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female
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30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hypothetical situation, curious what everyone's tolerance level is. If in a relationship, 20% of the time, you and your partner were either fighting, not speaking to each other, or "sad" with each other and the rest of the time, 80%, is perfectly happy, loving, and your ideal relationship, would you stay in the relationship? Do you think those are good odds? Why or why not? So, to put it in perspective, out of 2 months, 12 days are sad/mad/argument days. Anyone know what the normal ratio should be? Reply to this Question
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reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (6 May 2013):
 I think what we are struggling with here is trying to apply Math to relationships. While I think that there may be a way to do that it will be much more complex than straight probability.
I like the Rutgers study because at my stage of life it makes sense. At your stage (age) I didn't feel that way. I accepted more arguments then. I expected them. I worried when one didn't come when I thought it should have. Now after 25 years arguments are very rare. We don't agree on everything, but we can accept the other persons point of view without feeling that we are losing part of our self.
I think the intensity is the thing. There are things that should not be tolerated, there are things you will not tolerate even 20% of the time. In fiddler on the roof there is a joke. Yenta the matchmaker says, "you've heard he has a temper. He'll beat you every night, but only when he's sober, so you're all right". Nobody is going to accept that deal. Similarly if a person in a 80 / 20 relationship is being hurt so badly either emotionally or physically or mentally for 205 of the time,that they fear for their safety then that relationship is not going to work.
In short abuse is abuse it has no place in a relationship. Disagreements are another story. You don't have to agree about which way to fold the socks or hang the toilet paper. You will want to agree about how to raise the kids.
So back to Rutgers for the wrap up. Does a low level of conflict lead to a long relationship? Most likely it will. Does a long committed relationship lead to a low level of conflict? I believe it can and should. One thing is certain there is a correlation. They show up a lot together. Happy fighting couples are out there, like Cerberus, I know one. They are the exception, not the norm.
FA
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 May 2013):
 I was trying to figure out how to explain this… Cerberus has a good post on this. My husband and I are VERY volatile. We fight, we are loud and almost daily there are loud words in our home. But we were both raised in screaming, door slamming households. It’s what we know.
Now I would like to add that we can “fight” and 15 minutes later be necking in the kitchen… so it’s not like we hold grudges or PUNISH the other one… it’s just OUR way. We NEVER have bad DAYS. WE may have bad MOMENTS but it does NOT drag out.
There is NO “normal ratio”. Rather it’s what you are comfortable with. My husband is very high strung and yet most folks who know him casually don’t see that, he hides it and lets it out at home with me. NONE of my friends would put up with my husband and his style of relationship. And until he and I got serious none of them knew he was the way he is. His public face is very different from his private face. And yet every one of then knows how madly in love with each other we are.
The concern is that YOU are questioning if this is a good relationship. If you are questioning then in my opinion it’s NOT acceptable.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2013): In a two month period of time, I'm not so sure. Typically (but one size does not fit all) in the beginning of a relationship couples who find that chemistry and are head over heals for each other are learning about one another and there is rarely any conflict about much of anything...seems like is just a bed of roses and everyone is blissfully happy. This is why we fall in love, right? So, eventually down the road, you learn more and more and some conflict may arrise. Some you can live with or iron out, other things, maybe not so much. Each person decides what they can compromise on, what is not acceptable and what you can move forward with. After about three months you can really tell if this is the person you are with is truly right for you or not....how you handle conflict, communicate/working things out, behavior, etc. So, I just don't know in this situation. If this small percentage of time is standing out for you and you are questioning what you are having conflict about, or the same issues keep resurfacing and the same things happen every month, perhaps that needs to be addressed. Now, if you both seem to get on each other's nerves, oh, thereabout a week or two before her period, that's pretty normal and something to learn and deal with because I can speak only for myself, but there is something about that time that everything I've felt prior towards my boyfriend and the good and bad we share, I have a very low tolerance for BS around that time lol.
Look, communication is HUGE. Without it any couple is doomed. Maturity is quite helpful as well. If you both handle conflict like immature, dig your heals in the sand and not budge, I am right and you are wrong like a child, you are going to have trouble working issues out. There is nothing wrong with fighting and getting something that's bothering each other off your chest, but learning to talk it through and using the "not speaking" time for cooling off purposes only, it's alright. When each shuts down for days and finally someone breaks the ice, you need to work on it.
Relationships/marriage are work. They are work every single day. There is always something someone can do to make it better to make it grow.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2013): No, I wouldn't stay in a relationship like that because when I have it hasn't worked out, I like an easy going drama free relationship with the odd blow out.
But that's just how things work for me.
I know a couple who are together for 10 years and they fight all the time. That's how they work though. They never call each other names, they're never abusive and they never stop talking to each other. But they will argue about everything from leaving the top off the milk to not buying the right dinner etc. That works for them though OP. They're like siblings, they can argue a fiery death one minute but once it ends it's all rosy for them immediately.
They certainly don't have "sad" times like you describe. They both just like a good fiery argument to relieve stress and keep things ticking.
Not speaking to each other, sad, are not things I consider to be good in a relationship. Even the people I know who like to argue don't have that often, indeed it's very rare for them.
When I have fights with my fiancée again it's like siblings, we may be pissed at each other but I'll still offer her coffee or tell her when dinners ready and am still able to converse with her. Arguments don't make me feel sad because they don't matter to us. Once we calm down we'll either resolve the situation but most often we don't argue about anything and are just fighting due to mood once that goes there's nothing to resolve and everything is fine again. It's been about 5 months since we've had any kind of major blow out.
This is too complex for us to call. It's all down to your own tolerance.
The real question here is: Do you think you can continue on with this kind of relationship, or do you feel you're on knife edge and that this is turning into a problem for you?
OP the kind of bickering you describe has in the past worn me down. It spoiled the relationship and I just could not deal with being sad in a relationship on a regular basis. I certainly couldn't deal with the silent treatment either because things just fester and being pissed off for days just really gets to me.
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reader, largentsgirl89 +, writes (6 May 2013):
 I think that depends on what kind of arguing the couple is doing. If it's destructive arguing and it's that often, then no, it wouldn't be worth it for me. But if it's constructive arguing then yes, it would be worth it.
It depends on the couple, how they feel about each other, do the arguments get physical, and how long do these "fights" last?
If you are with someone and you argue/fight more than you are happy or are in love, then that's not much of a relationship. My boyfriend and I argue all the time, but it usually ends up in us kissing. And when we are argue we aren't yelling or screaming at each other, it's more like a difference of opinion or a debate to get the other one to see our point.
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reader, CindyCares  +, writes (6 May 2013):
 I don't think it is possible to elaborate an one-size-fits-all formula, I think it also depends from personal expectations and preferences.
For me, 6 days of arguments a month would be waaay too much, I mean it's once every 5 days !, I guess if you had a friend and you'd knew that ,punctually, you can have no more thn 4 fun , peaceful outings, but the 5th is going to end in arguments and tears, you'd throw your hands up and say " I give up, we just can't be friends ". But I realize that other people may think instead that a certain level of conflictualy is not so important , or even that makes a relationship more passionate, exciting and interesting.
The problem is, you don't need to be compatible to be in love or feel mutual strong feelings.But you do for staying together.
There's an extensive study by Rutgers University which I always bring up, because I love how it exposes the myth that " all couples have their ups and downs " . Actually they don't. A recurring trait in the couples in a successful and long lasting marriage, as opposed to divorced couples, is a " natural " low/ minimal level of conflictuality ( if you don't argue because you are afraid the partner will punch in your face it does not count ,obviously ). It is impossible to spend all your life with somebody without ever having a conflict, of course, but conflicts have to be occasional,rare, an exception and not the rule. Now we can't weight these things with a pharmacist's scale, but... 6 days a month? it does not sound so rare to me...
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