A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi there, I could really do with some advice...I met this guy at a club 6 or 7 weeks ago and we were "getting off" as they call it for about 45 minutes. We exchanged numbers and he started texting me every single day. We started to get more flirty and I started to really like him. He asked if I wanted to meet for a drink but we never managed to until he came back off holiday where I really missed texting him. The day he came back he asked if I wanted to go round to his house and I did. We got on really well and in fact, perhaps slightly too well as we ended up having sex =/But he still continued to text me loads after that, however with my terrible insecurities and paranoia I got it into my head that all he wanted me for was sex, even though so many people were telling me different.We were texting last night and I decided I needed to know whether we were just about sex or he wanted something more. The reason I needed to know so quick is because he's going into his 3rd year at uni in 4 weeks - it's only an hour on the train but still, he doesn't live at home. I knew that if we kept meeting up in the next 4 weeks and then he went off to uni and that was it, I couldn't cope with that.So I asked him, and firstly he said me and him weren't just about sex. I then asked if he wanted anything more as I was wondering where we stood. He said yeah possibly, it's just a problem with uni because of him being away alot. I basically explained that I couldn't keep on seeing him then forget it when he goes to uni and he asked if I would find it hard if we were together and he was away alot. I said I don't know but I'd probably manage but it depends on what he wanted as I didn't want to force him into anything. He then replied and said it was so annoying with uni getting in the way and he does like me, he'd just find it hard. I understood exactly what he meant and said we'd never know unless we tried which he agreed to. I then asked if he needed time to think about it, as I did too and he said yes. So currently it's been left that we're both thinking about it and we'll let each other know what our feelings are when we're ready.Can anyone just offer advice? Does it look like he genuinely might want to give it a try or is it not looking so good?I just think I'd rather us try and be together and fail than not try at all. Thanks for any replies in advance.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (28 August 2010):
 Could it be possible that you want this to work in order to proove that he wants you for more than sex? You need to be more assertive about who you are, and be confident that a man would like your personality and your mind as well as your body. You already said you couldn't cope with it if you got emotionally closer to him. It's not a wise idea to put yourself in a position where you have to worry about him talking to other girls. I had never been in a LDR but would rather not get involved in one. You are reluctant to form a closer bond with him but it's exactly that kind of bond you need in order for him think about you whenever he's not studying. So here I can say you want to try after he "approves" of this relationship but at the same time you don't want to try right now by falling in love with him, for fear of getting hurt later. If you get to see him soon you can see if he's a serious student. Since you met him in a club who's to say that he's not going to another one at campus? It could work if he's willing to not flirt with other women. It's hard to miss you while he's away but at least it's nice to have someone to say good night to.
A
female
reader, OhGetReal  +, writes (27 August 2010):
 Well actually Q, it's both HOW she feels is different because women are wired up differently than men for the most part, but you're right the emphasis is on the YOU as well. If you haven't noticed I appear to be a terrible speller, too, I'm really just a bad typist who thinks faster than my fingers can type and am too impatient to spell check before I click send. My apologies for my poor grammar, spelling and tyhpinnnngg skills.
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A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (26 August 2010):
You met a guy 6 weeks ago at a club
You had sexual contact of some sort for 45 minutes.
He texted you every day after that, but did not make the effort to actually call you and speak to you in person.
He then asked you if you wanted "to meet for a drink", which is not the same as being asked out on a date, it's code for are you up for a booty call.
He didn't bother to have that drink with you for and leaves for a holiday, where you really missed texting him...so I gather you did make the overature to text him when he got back and he asked you to "come round his house". Which is not the same as being asked out on a date, but is code for "let's have sex at my house, and if you accept this offer, I am expecting sex".
Then you go over to his house and in fact do have sex, on your second encounter.
Then you realize that you may actually get attached to a guy you had sex with because most women are actually biologically hard wired to bond with a man after sex, whereas Men are not. You automaticall assume that he is bonding with you after sex because that is HOW you feel, so he must be feeling the same right? So you decide to ask him. Because if you continue hooking up with him for four more weeks, he leaves for school and then you don't see him again, that might actually hurt.
So you asked him something that was emotionally important you via text, where you can't actually see his facial reactions or guage his body language. But his words said, we are not just about sex. (yeah, so what does he mean, is he just telling you what he thinks you want to hear?)
So then you text him, if he wants something more, after only two meetings in person, and he texts back, "yeah, possibly." That is not a yes or a no.
Then you give him an out by saying you didn't want to force him into anything which means he sucessfully managed down your expectations, and now he is keyed into the fact that you are up for more casual sex with no strings attached because after all he has uni, and it would be hard to get together a lot, and how would you feel about that? And you said you wanted to try?
Now don't get me wrong, but how does this seem to you if you were looking from his perspective?
You are a sexually promiscuous girl, you then come on an act for some where is this going speech, and you did it by text, which is a lame way to communicate and a guy's wet dream because he isn't facing you while lying to you and telling you what you want to hear.
He get's to not take any responsibility for when and if he stops seeing you once he is at school because after all he told you he had uni, it would be hard, he would be away alot, meaning he is going to go out with other girls...but hey if you are willing to have a long distance booty call once in awhile, he's up for it.
Then you ask him if he wants to go away and think about his "feelings".
In what universe does a guy develop feelings over a couple of sexual acts with a virtual stranger?
If a man is interested in you and thinks you are girlfriend potential, someone worth "trying" with, he won't ask you to come round to his house for a blow job and some sex and he will spend some money on you and take you out on a date and try talking to you and getting to know you.
He won't text you every day, he will call you a couple of days later and ask you out.
At least that is how it has worked for centuries, I know it's a new world, but it is the same old story now isn't it?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 August 2010): I think you already know the answers to your questions, but you sound a little insecure. And it sounds to me like you DO know what you want to do...you just need to have some courage and faith in yourself!
I do think this guy likes you, and not just because you had sex. I think he genuinely likes you, and that he does want to give things a try. But I think he does not want to put any pressure onto you, which is why he agreed to have some time and space to think about it. I think that was more for your benefit than for his.
If you would rather try and risk it not working out than not try at all, then go for it. Try! Yes, there are going to be some obstacles in the way which might make things a bit difficult, but then the same could be said for any relationship. You could meet someone who is not going to university and it might not work out. So I wouldn't let that worry put you off from trying, as it sounds like you really like him and would like to take a chance.
What I will suggest though is that, if you do decide to give things with him a try, it might be a good idea if you both sit down and talk about ways you could try and make it easier when he goes to university. For example, you could agree to speak on the phone every day, or stay in touch by e-mail, or whatever else works for you. If you try and put some things into place first, it might make it more bearable when he goes away. Just a suggestion. I hope things go well!
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A
female
reader, answerfromtheheart +, writes (26 August 2010):
 I'm glad that you met him now rather than later, because like you said you have insecurities and low self esteem issues. This is something that you HAVE to work on. You cannot love someone else if you don't value yourself.
The reason why I think it's good you met him now is because while he is away at uni, you guys can still keep contact and talk to each other, see each other when you have a chance. It will help you because while he is away, you need to learn to accept that you are a great girl and deserve a great guy.
Give it a chance. Long distance relationships are hard, especially when you have esteem problems, but try your best. if it doesn't work out, so be it, but it seems to me he does want more than just sex.
No matter how hard it is to be without him, going to school is the best thing for him, and you need to encourage him to go and finish it. Tell him you'll be here and when he's done you guys can give the relationship full 100% and see what happens.
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A
female
reader, Phoebe Halliwell +, writes (26 August 2010):
 It's worth trying, you'll just end up "what if"-ing if you don't, right? Just text and e-mail often, organise weekends where he trains to you or you to him, as long as it doesn't affect his school work. If you both really want this to work, you'll find a way. An hour on the train isn't a huge obstacle. Just give him some time to think, and when you're both ready, organise something you're comfortable with. But yes, definitely give it a go, what's the harm in trying? If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out, at least you tried...
Good luck!
xxx
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