A
male
age
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*ickLC
writes:I have been dating a woman for about 7 months. We seem to mesh in most ways but I could use a little more affirmation from her. Not long after we started dating she made the statement about how "sexy" the lead singer of a band was. Just recently she made the same statement about another well know singer. I asked her if she thought I was good looking or sexy and she said yes. I told her she never had told me that she thought I was but had no problem telling me how sexy these celebrities were.... Now I do feel somewhat childish and admittedly insecure but was I wrong??I would like to be more confident in myself and am working on that.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2014): I guess it's just me, but I judge a lot by the way that I am "treated" by the people I date. Who doesn't like to be told he's handsome? Don't get me wrong.
I appreciate compliments, but being the same age as you are, I've learned not to sweat the small stuff. I workout and take very good care of myself. So I don't require a lot of reference to my appearance. Not that I'm over-confident; but I don't have low self-esteem either. People tell you what you want to hear, and that negates their sincerity; and voids the justification to continue being with them.
If someone stands close to me, reaches for my hand, puts their head on my shoulder, and always wants to spend their time with me. That speaks a lot louder than words. I am in such a situation at the moment, and it's only a little over three months we've been dating. Mature people tend not to be as verbal about our feelings as we are demonstrative. No more playing games or beating around the bush. Flattery has its place, but isn't taken too seriously. Maybe you're just not sensing any attraction between you at all.
She reserves being complimentary to you; because women assume men don't need "affirmations" like they do. It's a small over-sight. She may not really feel romantically affectionate toward you; but she is very fond of you, and appreciates your company.
Women don't usually pile compliments on men, they expect to receive them. If you sense no romantic connection between you; perhaps you should ask her where your relationship is heading. Establish if your relationship is in the "friend-zone," or if it is romantic in nature. That might clear-up a few things.
A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (18 September 2014):
 OP: Under some - maybe MOST - circumstances, I'd say that it's harmless for a woman to make a comment about a public figure.... such as you described.
HOWEVER, if that (comment) is about the only time she makes note of a man (any man)..... AND if she doesn't ever seem to give you verbal "strokes"... then THAT is your "real" problem. I've "BTDT" (been there; done that).. and, somehow, I've had the misfortune of dating more than one woman who did just about nothing to indicate that she liked me any more than she liked anybody/everybody else..... THAT is the "intimacy desert" that I've commented on, before, on these pages...
Forgetting the "sexy guy" comments, ask yourself if your girl really, actually, gives you any reason to believe that SHE LIKES - or, LOVES - you. IF not (she doesn't indicate so) then take up THAT discussion with her. Don't live in the intimacy desert too long... 'cuz it will have you questioning yourself, and it will eat up your feelings of self-worth.
Good luck.....
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A
female
reader, Vianneeey  +, writes (18 September 2014):
Men can be insecure too? Well, this is new..
Completely agree with CindyCares, just tell her that sometime a little affirmation would be nice.
But seriously, I never compliment any of my bf with physical affirmation, because I don't want him to get over himself. But I wouldn't be with him if I don't find him sexy. You see what I mean?
Let her compliment all those actors, she will never get them anyway. Also, maybe that's a hint for you to exercise
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 September 2014):
 That's because you are automatically comparing yourself even when there's no rivality, - and you are comparing just in the area you feel insecure about.
Why, if she has said " how good Mother Teresa was ", you'd take offence : " hey, I am a good person too ! "
If she said she bought her car from (for once ) a honest car dealer, you'd have said " you never tell me I am honest too ? ".
.. But she DID notice anyway that the singer was sexy, and she noticed it to the pount of bringing it up , you say ?
Well, not exactly. It's like a cliche', lead singers are supposed to be sexy, it's in their job description. When you talk about somebody, particularly a famous person, you inevitably bring up always the same stuff, the traits which most define him / her.
Mother Theresa = good, humble and industrious.
Mick Jagger or Steve Tyler = talented, transgressive and SEXY ( I realize that my choice of sexy singers betrays my age, in fact makes me older than I am , since I was a child when they were at their hottest ... then again what can I say, I don't find the One Direction guys sexy at all, lol ! )
Conclusion, it's all in your head. Said which, I don't think there's anything wrong if you admit to her that you like compliments and they make you feel good... so not to hold back if she has any. But realize that she too may be a bit shy or just not that into verbal appreciation, and that women generally are not trained to express their verbal admiration to men and they may feel a bit awkward in doing it.
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