A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm having some issues with my boyfriend and the decisions he makes. We've been together for three years. Last year I finished my undergraduate degree and moved to the city my boyfriend lived in to do postgraduate study while he finished his undergraduate degree. Now he is about to finish and has taken a job in yet another different city. I'm a bit upset that I moved cities to be with him then he moved away again when I have another year of study to complete. He even thought to ask me to just stop my study now, but I don't want to, it's very important to me and I really enjoy it. It's important to me to get a good education and I've worked hard to do so, so I can get a job I like.I've been applying for summer jobs recently and there was one I desperately wanted that was perfect for me. I didn't get it in the end; I was only their second choice. But what upset me was that my boyfriend didn't want me to take the job if it was offered because it was in the city we currently live in as opposed to the city he's moving to work. He wanted me to take a far less enjoyable and less specialised job in the city he's moving to.Another thing that upset me is the fact that the city he had got a job in does not have much need of anyone working in the area I have trained in. I will probably be able to get a job there but it won't be one in the area that I've been working towards for five years. I'd have to take a different job which I worry I won't enjoy and would feel I'd wasted a huge amount of time and money at University.I don't expect him to center his decisions around me but I feel like he hasn't given me any thought at all and that it's all about what he wants. I also feel like he doesn't respect how much time and effort I've put into my study; he's always saying his study is so much harder and more worthwhile. Are my feelings justified? How should I react to this attitude? What can I do? I feel like I'm looking at a life-time of 'what he thinks is best' which isn't necessarily what I want.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (18 September 2014):
 This is so typical. The feminist in me shivers when I hear stories like this. It is soooo gender typical that the woman follows the man wherever he wants to go, and on whatever he wants to do career wise, and soooo typical that the womans career is seen as less important, and something that should be an easy sacrifice. You know: "because when you have children, you wont need that fancy degree, or a career, your job is to be a mom". Ever heard that one? I've heard it, numerous times. Oh, and when my ex moved cities it was an automatic question: Aren't you going to follow him? I said "Heck no, HE was the one who moved away, if he wants me close he can MOVE BACK."It's a matter of principle, and as a woman you need to stand your ground firm on this one. Because society pressures us to give up and just follow our men blindly. It's so annoying. No, you shouldn't move to be with him. You already sacrificed this once, you moved to be with him. It is his time to sacrifice now, and move back. Sad thing is, most men will NOT move to be with their women, or sacrifice their career, or education, to be with their women. Actually, scratch that. It's not sad at all. It's logical. People SHOULD NOT sacrifice their education, job/career for ANYONE. That means women should STOP doing it!!! Stop following him around like you're his pet! Damn it you're a grown up, independent woman! If your boyfriend doesn't think the relationship is important enough to STAY for, then you know what, he's made his choice: end it or be long distance. I can promise you, there are more fish in the sea and plenty of men in the city you ARE IN, who would SUPPORT your career-choices rather than selfishly focus on themselves only and expect you to drop everything each time they get a whimsical idea into their heads about moving. Without even making you a participant in the discussion, haha! I can't believe this is how things are still being played out in 2014. You weren't even part of the decision making process here, were you? Of course not.... You know, I recently talked to a young man at 24 years of age about his career path and where he would live the next years. He said it depended on whether he was in a committed relationship then or or. I almost choked, it's seriously the first time I ever heard a man say he would prioritize a relationship over career. Stand your ground woman. If he goes, then let him go and wave goodbye. Absolutely do not be stupid and uproot yourself again/sacrifice your education/career. Do not be a stupid woman, be a smart woman.
A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (18 September 2014):
 You might be right, he probably was raaised in a family that taught the 'old fashioned' "duty" of the male was to direct the family in the direction he thought was best for the future. Might want to investigate his upbringing or you could be locked into a really bad thing here!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 September 2014): I think you're looking at this the wrong way. It's not what he thinks is best, it's more he's going about getting himself the career that he wants, where he wants and you can come along for the ride.
As Cindy stated these are your choices, he's not making you do anything, he's sorting himself and his life out and frankly, OP I think you should do the same.
My youngest sister had a similar situation but reversed. She went to college to work hard and build a career, she didn't do that not to take the best job afterwards, a job that meant she'd have to move somewhere her boyfriend didn't necessarily want to go. He was pissed that she didn't consider him in her plans and alter them for him to get a shittier job to compromise, so they could be together. But at 22 she had her whole life ahead of her and starting her career in a job that would give her the best chance of success was a no-brainer so that's what she did.
She just wasn't willing to sacrifice that for a relationship that could be forever or could end next month. Her career is her future, it's her life and she decided to make the best of it. Are you going to make the best of yours or are you going to sacrifice it just to stay in this relationship in the way you want?
OP at your age, you're quite literally at the crossroads of life where you have to choose its direction. For my sister she chose the best direction for herself. She understands that sometimes in relationships circumstances can lead you on a different path to that of your partner.
They initially broke up, but couldn't stay apart so they decided long distance was better than nothing, and after 18 months a job opportunity perfect for him came up in the city she was living in and now they couldn't be happier.
Whichever you choose, OP, it's your life and your decision. What you do in your career is nothing to do with your boyfriend or your relationship, he sees that and he's doing what's best for him in those terms. Anything you sacrifice is down to you.
OP you didn't get the job you wanted and that sucks, especially as you were so close. But he's not responsible for that. If you choose to take a shitty job that will just make you bitter, just so you can be with him then it's you that is making yourself unhappy and you will be justified in feeling hard done by but not by anything he did.
OP put your life first, put what's best for you in terms of your career and future first. If it takes you in a different path than him then so be it, that's life. But if you give up your best opportunities and sacrifice too much just to be close to him then you are looking at a life time of feeling that he's gotten his way, when all he's doing is making the most of his opportunities and going where those are for him.
Join him on that ride or not, but start thinking about your own ride and what's best for you.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (18 September 2014):
 I see what you mean, but it's reversible. He wants things for himself, that you do not necessarily think are the best solution for you. He is just more proactive in going after them.
You have conflicting plans / wishes / needs ( dreams . It's not unusual.
And, it's not that if he "wants " something, you necessarily MUST do it, is it ?
If you value your future / past effort / money spent / education, you'll pursue your dreams and be true to yourself. If this can be done by compromising
( commuting, relocating both half way, carrying on long distance, etc... ) that's great. If that's absolutely impossible or unattainable- I think that everybody should just accept philosophically that there are clashing life visions and keep pursuing their dreams separately.
Or else ... ultimately all is a matter of choice in life, nobody MAKES you do anything unless they have a gun in their hands... you accept that your first priority is to be with your partner at any cost, and that your relationship is more important to you than your future income / career prospects. If you value love and togetherness more than self realization and a secure personal income, who are we to say you are wrong these are very ondividual matters, very individual priorities. But, understand that this would be YOUR choice, he would not be MAKING you choose . He is pursuing his dreams ( as it is logical and legitimate ) and you can CHOOSE if finding a possible compromise- if it exist / or going straight ahead on YOUR own chosen path / or giving up for the sake of love.
It would be nice if we never had to choose between conflicting alternatives in life , but, it just does not work like that. So, take your pick, and do not complain about what , ultimately, is only YOUR personal choice.
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